Lately, I've been writing on wordpress.  It hasn't enchanted me, but it's a common medium these days.  This place feels much more comfortable.  The real reason that I'm here, though, is that lately I've been working on moving all of my blog posts from here and from wordpress onto printed pages, smashed into paper journals to flip through.  It feels more organic and real to see them there.  And easier, somehow.  I think that journals are meant to be touched and flipped across and I even prefer them handwritten, but my hands can't survive writing all of the years that I've recorded.  Nor would I be able to abide the embarrassment.  Reading over past entries, I've been absolutely astounded at how much I've grown.  I was... naive, judgmental, angry, and so obsessed with appearances.  I pretended not to be.  I thought that I wasn't.  So many things, I've stayed true to.  So many things, old me would have been disappointed in.  But there are so many ways that I've grown that I'm proud of, too.  More than anything, reading this has made me wish that I could live forever so that I could truly accomplish all of the things that old me wanted for her life.  It feels like I've become slower as I've gotten older.

I like writing here.  It feels more organic.  Both because of the setup of this particular site, and how familiar writing still feels here as compared to the new, traitorous journal... but also because this is my space.  My safe space.  Where I can just let me head spill out and not worry about how eloquent, offensive, upsetting I sound.  This is where I can make my mistakes and just be a growing human.  After all, it's where I was these things before, and even though there were so many people here to see and so many people that I offended, we all stuck together and came up okay.

I miss feeling the fire, for sure, but I wonder if it's an era long gone.  After all, people just don't have time anymore.

Well, journal.. so long, for now.

What an eventful week!  o_o  Sometime around last weekend, I got a call from the main office of the apartment complex.  He asked if my boyfriend's name was "Jake", and I said "yes, is something wrong?"  He let me know that some mail for Jake had come to the resident downstairs, so we went to see what it was...  his family had sent him two Christmas cards (one for this past Christmas, and one for the one before), each containing a Wal*Mart gift card for $200!  I was very surprised and baffled.  Of course, we immediately ran to Wal*Mart and bought, among other things, a GPS so that Rephe can finally do his work without Anthony, Portal 2 for fun and love, and Scrabble.  That was the best surprise I've had.

Then I had the most stressful test of my life to this point.  Since I'd only made a 92% on the last exam, and we have to have a 95% to pass (we get an incomplete for the program and don't get to continue with our classes or career if we don't make the 95%), I had to retake the test.  This three hour, 180 question pure analysis and synthesis test.  I hated every single minute of it, and my heart was pounding out of my chest because of the memory of failing the first time.  But I made it... just barely.  Annnnnd Sameil helped me finish the last assignment that I needed to pull an A out of my butt in Older Adult, which means that I am off of probation and officially ready to sit for NCLEX and continue my courses.  And that was the end of hell year.  From now on, it's nothing but online master's courses, working when I find myself a job, and having a life again.  It still hasn't hit me, that my life isn't going to have to be 100% nursing school anymore.  I wonder how I'll feel when it does.

We completed an entire bachelor's degree in one year, and I've got a shiny certificate to prove it.  It was the biggest accomplishment of my life.

After that test was finished, Rephe, Sameil, Katie and I walked over to the student health building and had a TB test party.  I've got to get the test read later today, but there's no reaction, so I'm still clear.  That's a huge relief... one of our students had a positive test, and that's.... scary.  When we're not even working yet and we've already had health effects from the profession.... well, it's what I got myself into.  I'm excited to find out what the CNL classes end up being like.  After I got the test done, Rephe and Katie and I went out and played frisbee on the green in the midst of huge gusts of wind and glaring sunlight.  It was awesome, though.  I'm somewhat tempted to get myself a frisbee, now.

And then of course there was the Osama's death speech.  I was almost sad that people wanted to celebrate a death at all, even though it was a victory for us.  I wonder what they've got planned next, though.  It wasn't an end to the war, so I think I'm going to take it with a grain of salt.

And then last night.  For some reason, Toan and Trish are amazing friends and decided to come even though they had extremely short notice and it's cinco de mayo and they could have been partying.  I'm glad they came, because that made it much more possible for Rephe to join along... I wanted him to be there.  And my parents came, of course.  We went to the outlet mall in Leeds earlier in the day to get myself a golden vintage dress to wear, some stupidly painful shoes, and a shiny new purse.  I think Toan did a great job getting those pictures. :3  And the ceremony itself made me cry.  I hadn't realized how many inside jokes we had (warm fuzzys, "The Climb", be gumby, "guys, just relax.  Just trust me."), or that this was really the last time we would all be together.  ;_;  Lindsey was our Nightengale... her speech was beautiful.  And then our slideshow really told our story.  It was beautiful.

And then we all went out to the Cheesecake factory to sit and talk about South Carolina and how people are doing.  I'd like to do that again sometime.  I need a slow introduction back into society.  ^_^;; I'm going to be pestering them (Toan and Trish) about having free time.  If I haven't said it enough yet, I love you guys.  I'm so proud of how far you've come, and I'm proud to know you.  And, Toan, you've always been the most amazing friend.  And then I've also got the summer trip with Dal to look forward to.  We're going to rock it this year.  I'm so ready.

Now I'm going to go be busy having free time. ^___^

Today was the first time in a long time that I stood outside in the face of a real storm.  I watched thick trees twisting in the wind and debris raining from the sky as this mile-wide tornado passed through my city, just ten minutes from where I was.  It was the first time in a much, much longer time that I actually took shelter from a storm.  I was actually so concerned that I left my apartment and came to Rephe & Anthony's to hide until the storm decided to settle down, as they live on the first floor, which is just safer all around.  Watching the storm cameras and everything, I really realized what my parents must go through every single time a potential disaster begins.  I remember one time, when I lived in Michigan, knowing that there was a very big tornado on its way and being completely unable to eat a thing.  I hid in the basement with my parents, some pillows, and some very thick blankets.  I remember feeling nauseous and so scared that I could hardly think at all.

I bought my dad a birthday present, even though his birthday isn't until late July.  I wanted to make sure I got something elegant for him before it was too late... I got him a pretty durable chronograph watch and it is sexy.  ^_^  I started on Rephe's presents, too.. you know, Rephe really is the hardest guy I've ever known to shop for. 

Speaking of him... he really upset me while he was gone.  I was hurt by what I perceived to be complete inconsideration, and then his refusal to admit that he was wrong.  A counterattack, if you will, that I felt I didn't earn.  It really made me realize that where we're really hurting is communication-- shocking.  We used to be the couple that told each other everything, with too much gruesome detail.  If we didn't have something to say to each other, we found something.  We were always saying that we would tell each other anything and that honesty was going to be the cornerstone of our relationship... but it's hard to hold on to that kind of stuff.  When I can tell what Rephe is going to say miles before he gets there and it's not something I want to hear, it's easy to try to zone him out.... and it's easy to just stop talking when I feel like we've exhausted so much already.  It's easy to take all of that communication for granted.  Since that night, we've caught ourselves bottling things up and tried to break that habit down occasionally, but I think we're still not really healing, in that respect.  It takes time.  I'm almost sorry for exploding like that... it takes so much to make me so angry that I say more cuss words than every other type of word combined.  But through all of it, I haven't forgotten that Rephe is still the one that fills in all of my shortcomings and keeps me standing when my knees are trembling.  There aren't many people in the world that actually share your worldviews and cherish similar things to you, or that even share the same passions as you.  I'm not stupid enough to forget how lucky I am.

I'm rambling now.  :  I think the only other thing that I really wanted to mention was that I'm glad we've been talking more, Teshie.  All of that music you shared was really awesome, and I had fun getting gift ideas from you.

Dear diary,
I don't understand this phenomenon, during which I am able to sleep soundly through an entire night, spend a few hours on having a day, and then come home and "nap" for four more hours.  And wake up tired and excited for going to sleep in a few more hours.  I thought I'd been fine in the sleep department.  I hope I'm not becoming one of those  little old ladies that gets depressed and tired at cloudy days.  At the very least, I want to be able to thoroughly enjoy my thunderstorms, too.  While I'm thinking about thunderstorms, I find it ridiculously unfortunate that I somehow failed to realize until it was far, far too late that Rephe does not share my love of stormy weather.  He actually seems really adverse to it... which makes it all the sweeter when he's willing to weather them with me.

I went with him to work today.  It was his first day on his own.  It was a really exciting day.  I can immediately recall three times during which I almost died because he was so mesmerized by the GPS or by our conversation that he didn't bother to look at the traffic lights.  We had to wildly careen into other lanes to avoid rear-ending other cars.  I still don't know how we didn't get into some kind of accident... but you know, he looked pretty pro out there actually delivering the papers.  He's got a really cool head on him when he's getting to business.  I really got a good start on my essay, too... but I'm doubtful that I'll be able to crank out a good one in time.  They're just asking for things that are way out of my league at this point, and it's too close to "graduation" to bother me anymore.  May 5th, guys.... that's going to be the most liberating day of my life.  God, I wish we could all celebrate.  If anything, it's the single day in my life most worth celebrating thus far.

Last Sunday, I went to Jake's church in the morning.  It was an extremely social experience.  I spent more time reading history in the bible than I did listening to any sermons, though.  And being mad at a Jakey for trying to look prim and proper during service instead of letting me play around with him.  XD  The lights and technology in that building were amazing.  At some later point during the week, Rephe managed to lock my keys in my car.  He let me know so casually, thinking that I had a spare key somewhere- I do, in Louisiana.  ... So we panicked and tried to figure out how to break into the car, then ended up paying quite some money to let somebody else do it the exact way we were looking at. 

Tonight, we're staying up late to help me get everything I need to write my essay put together while we have various minecraft parties.  XD  I've volunteered Rephe to make skins for people and we've been spawning pigs and saddles to have pig-riding events.  Anthony was here, too.. he wants to find a new apartment with Jake.  I'm reluctant to say that I'm okay with it, because it may take him further away.  I'm such a baby.  ... They're going to Mobile for a couple of days for work, and I'm stressing out because I don't want to be lonely.  Usually, I'm the one that's leaving.  Being at home with nothing but work and nobody to bring me surprise nommels and to distract me while I'm trying to get stuff done just sounds... boring.  So boring.

I've got more to say, but I'm just too tired for more words.  Once upon a time, somebody told me that I'd changed their life entirely... changed the way that they thought and the course of it in amazing ways.  What a breathtaking compliment.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to tell him that he did that for me, too.  I really don't think he'd get it, even now.  I'm glad that I've got somebody that complements me now.  Somebody that I can grieve with and talk to, that really knows how to help me live.  It was such a complicated road that turned me into the person that could stand to be here.  This seems unrelated, just a little, but I'm worried about Dal.  I really think that everything's going to be fine, but I don't want to watch anything explode on the way to fine.  I miss having  secret-telling sessions and super-long conversations.  I can't wait for the next sleepover.  One way or another, we're all going to be talking.

♥

Yay for staying up very late to finally play Minecraft with my best friends, waking up very early to a very annoying alarm, and still getting more work done than I've done all week.  I'm tired, but I'm on a roll.  I actually think that I may have time to take a walk later.  Not enough time to take my camera and get lost in the city, but enough to kind of bob my head to some music, probably. 

I was at this senior workshop yesterday, learning how to interview and make a knock-out resume.  It was really great information since I'm still really fresh to all of that.  I probably really needed to pay a bit more attention.  ^_^ They fed us about every two hours, which was really nice and uncomfortable at the same time.  And then the big storm rolled in, with all of its thunder and tornadoes.  They let me go home since I live nearby.  And that was when we finished getting Minecraft up and letting people try to get on slowly.  I'm really, really glad that it's working.  I miss playing games with Dal all the time.  And I miss talking to her all the time.  Even if it's just small things, being able to "o_o" at her makes me pretty happy.

I just really want to say, Rephe, that I am really impressed with you lately.  You're doing great with your job, and you're really taking the initiative to straighten things out in your life, and you've still got time to bring me little presents and go on dates.  You may be winning me over. ^_-

And as for myself... I'm not so impressed.  You know, if I do make it to the end of this program, I might as well be Superwoman.  And invincible.  My ego is going to be bigger than the grand canyon.  I get kind of dejected every once in a while because I feel like my life has suddenly become so mundane.  Here I am, trying to be a -nurse-, which isn't a stupidly rare career, especially not here.  And especially not for women here.  And I don't do anything at all anymore, thanks for my career choice.  But it's not me that's mundane.  It's me trapped in time constraints that's mundane.  Time, my worst enemy.  That's what I'll tell myself.

I just need to bite someone.  :

I'm tired.  Last night, it was difficult to sleep.  My dreams were so vivid that they kept waking me up, and there were other complications, too.  Luckily, today was a short day in classes for me.  I haven't said this yet, but our class has been going so badly that our teacher has been fired.  Now, we don't have a teacher, our projects are still due, we have a test coming up, and the semester is about to end with 80% of our grades unaccounted for... and I feel much more optimistic about it than I did last week.  I also finished up my preceptorship.  I saw Kathy for the last time the other day to pick up paperwork, and already I've been finding myself talking more and experiencing fewer episodes of baseless anxiety.  She gave me a parting gift- a mini-massager and a lot of kind words.  I spent a whole afternoon chasing stores with Rephe to find a really meaningful gift for her.. something that really reflected some of the things we'd talked about.  She wouldn't take it, though.  I spent several minutes trying to convince her.

We were going to go to a church service at Rephe's new church as a celebration for finishing up the most stressful thing I've ever done... but there were no night services. Instead,we drove around the area, looking at the houses.  None of them had prices, which might have been a blessing, in the end.  On Monday, we went up to SEBC, a bible college that Jake's been looking into.  They've got a surprisingly lax policy for past GPA/credits, and they're an extremely small community.  It seems like the kind of place where Rephe can really thrive.  The thing is, there are still a lot of questions about what he's going to be doing, or even what he wants to do.  Regardless, I'm a big fan of him taking classes, and they were extremely informative and sweet.  The small community is something that I'm really envious of, too.  I can't wait to be hanging out with Kalinesti again.

It's been getting really hot out already.  I can't believe that the winter is so short, here.  But you know... soon, it'll be time to be swimming again, and I'll have time to go on photoshoots.  And it won't be like last summer.  I'll have time to be me again.  It's going to feel so strange.

Because I really don't have anything deep to say, I've filled out a survey for fun.  Feel free to do it, or not.  Enjoy. :3  And much love to you.
A. Age: 23.
B. Bed size: Queen.  :3
C. Chore you hate: Laundry is my least favorite.. that's why it's always a critical need before it gets done.
D. Dogs: I don't have any now... my favorite type is Jindo, and I used to have a German Shepherd mix.
E. Essential start to your day: I like to get ready and then spend a few extra minutes laying down and relaxing before I hit the ground running.
F. Favorite color: Red.  Preferably dark red. 
G. Gold or silver: White gold. 
H. Height: I am 5' 4", about.  I haven't checked in a pretty long time.
I. Instruments: I am re-learning the piano, and I play(ed) the Alto Saxophone.
J. Job title: Student... hah.
K. Kids: One day, I want to have an army of them.
L. Live: Birmingham, in my own cute little apartment.
M. Mom’s name: Myong Suk
N. Nicknames: Sephrenia, Sephy, and other variations thereof. 
O. Overnight hospital stays: When I was in the 3rd grade, for second-degree burns, and visiting Rephe while he was there last year.
P. Pet peeve: Apathy.  If you lack passion, you lack life. 
Q. Quote from a movie: "It must be a lonelier journey than anyone could imagine... Flying blindly into the abyss, believing therein lies the answers to the mysteries of the universe."
R. Right or left handed: Left.
S. Siblings: A half-brother, that I've still never met.  I consider myself an only child.
T. Time you wake up: It's been variable lately.  I've been waking up at 5:40, 7:00, or about 8:30 in this program.
U. Underwear: Bikini style... most of the time ;D.
V. Vegetables you dislike: I get kind of tired of corn on occasion.
W. What makes you run late: A Jakey... if anything.  I'm not often late.
X. X-rays you’ve had: I haven't.
Y. Yummy food you make: I think I'm most proud of my kimbop.  I can also make some pretty yummy tteokbokki.
Z. Zoo- favorite animal: Er... the large cats.  Tigers, Leopards, Mountain Lions, and others such as those.

I hate that it can't be me.

... I don't want to talk about school, my future, or this program anymore.  It's all tangled up in a mess that I just can't understand anymore.  I'd rather try to focus on something else.  My mother told me today that she's depressed because of how depressed I've been.  She hasn't been eating, even.  But her, and father (who called me of his own accord; he resists calling anybody, including myself, with a passion, usually) have been so supportive and reassuring and accepting that it makes me cry in a completely different way.  My parents are so outstanding.  I can't even comprehend how much they must go through for me.. and I'm sure that I still take it for granted in so many ways.  I really dread the day something (anything) happens to them.

Mom let me know that if things work out schedule-wise, we're going to go to Korea again this summer.  I can't even describe how that makes me feel.  I want to go, so badly... but I wanted to be the one to take her.  They probably can't even afford something like that right now.

And the classmates that were on my floor today were supportive... some superheroes.  They were both extremely supportive when I was down.  One of them went and swooped in for the rescue, and the other one reminded me that there's no end of the road.

I still feel pretty lost, though.

Rephe made me fried rice tonight.  It was good enough to cheer me up... I feel like it's been ages since I've had a good meal.  ^_^  At times like these, I'm extremely grateful that I've got somebody to hug.

*hug*

Heaven is here.

Talking to my mother actually gives me answers, sometimes.  It gives me peace, sometimes, and I've really learned to cherish those conversations.  Every once in a while, I think about what my life would be like if she were gone, and I catch myself on the verge of tears.  I have an amazing family, and God knows that I don't deserve them.  That's not some pity-seeking statement; I just didn't believe in myself the way that they did.  Where I am standing now is all thanks to them, and not so much a result of my own actions.  I'm grateful.

Anyway, she shows me all of the open windows and back doors that I don't notice.  It's never the end of the road.  It's probably uphill for a while, starting a year ago, but I'm on a road that's going to take me somewhere.  Somewhere good.

If things don't pan out and bring me closer to my friends again soon, I'm going to pack up and move somewhere drastic.  I've got to get away from things, you know?  And I'm just not a southern girl.  I might consider Cali... they've got room for people like me, I found out, even though most of the people that I've met from Cali weren't my cup of tea.  I might just go north.  Or, if somehow I find a reason to stay, I'll remain here.  I think that the only thing that could keep me here for too much longer is Dal.  And I'd be enthralled to stay here near her, but the way that things are now, Rephe & I might as well just drown.  After I'm done with my training wheels, I'm ready to fly out.

He and I went on a date today.  Sometimes, when things get bad and you can't afford to go on a date, you just kind of do anyway.  At least, we do.  I know we'll be okay, because things just kind of work out, in the end... at least, for me, they do.  So we went and had some Mexican food as soon as my classes were over, and we made these extravagant plans to download some software, make some videos, get famous... you know the drill.  It may not work out exactly like that, but it sounded like fun.  We might dabble.

I might have lined up a part time job for the summer, when I'm just taking online courses and twiddling my thumbs.  Have I earned my responsibility badge yet?  Because I'm trying da-- I'm trying hard. 

Alright, time to unwind with some awesome youtube videos.
With love,
A maoin' Sephrenia.