April 3, 2010

  • three.

    Dear diary,

    Hello.
    My name is Helen, but today, that's the last thing I want to hear myself be called.  I'd rather just be Sephy, for a while.  I woke up feeling optimistic and playful, ready to accomplish something, but today felt like a beatdown.  By now, I feel like a completely different person.  I can't recount the steps that brought me here, I just know that the me that sits, frustrated and erasing countless sentences because she can't seem to say a single satisfying word, is not the me that got out of bed giggling.  The me that sits here now is a bit frustrated by this insatiable urge to write, even when she really doesn't want to, and by the way that her parents' indecision is crippling her, and by the way that immovable circumstances always throw her far, far off track.  I could swear that time has been slowly quickening, and I'm sitting back and watching it race by helplessly, now.

    Today, I'm the girl that sits alone outside, on a flight of stairs, frustrated and seething over small things that break apart effortlessly and the thoughtless words of a pretentious prince.  It was a slow descent: I woke up and bounced about on the bed for a bit, then took Rephe to walk with me across the entire length of southside to reach a clinic to get some vaccinations done.  They could only give me one of two.  ._.  We trekked all the way back to my car, all the while I was fighting dizzy spells because heat is my mortal enemy, and then drove to the summit, where we were eyeballed and pretentioussed at.  I spoiled myself, since I only have money once a month and I needed to feel cool.  While were were being judged at haughty central, my parents called and broke apart plans that they had settled with me ages ago, and now I'm not only backtracking, the floor is sliding out from beneath me.  And this is an unrelated point, but I'm concerned that their concern for my future life (which extends to the point that they want me to miss a friend's wedding entirely) is hindering my life now.  In all honesty, they have a huge influence on what I do... but things like being a part of my friends' weddings and being able to take mini road-trips with my friends while I'm still young, reckless, and less burdened by responsibility were all that I wanted from my life.  To me, this is what I wanted my life to be-- great adventures, my biggest mistakes, my regrets, burning everything down and I go and enjoying it all anyway... I didn't want to waste it all away to have and old, comfortable life.  I want to have a passionate, tumultuous time.  At least, a huge part of me does.  But today, that wasn't an issue.  Today, their indecision is.  Rephe and I came back to his place, where I raged and grumbled for a while, and he called me in to the dining room.  I scuffled out there, scowling and grumbling and asked what he wanted, and stopped, frozen with shock.

    & for a while, I was breathless and tremulous, a girl with a crush on a prince.  & I was aware that I was luckier than I deserved.  Before me was a smiling, fluffy boy setting out a beautiful (and yummy) dinner, with a small candle flickering and music playing.  I couldn't stop looking at him and smiling like an idiot.  It didn't end there.  He sang to me, and danced with me, and I snuggled into his shoulder and kicked him and ran away, bubbly and optimistic again.

    But then it was time to do homework, and shortly after, I found myself pacing around outside, fuming over thoughtless words tossed out by a pretentious prince.

    You're always blowing things out of proportion or taking them out of context.

    Today, I guess that's true.
    I am a girl that cries at surprise candlelit dinners-- but only when your back is turned.  I buy Christmas presents for my friends in early April.  I notice that I finally smile when I see the word "bliss" used on products.  I bought myself some "butterscotch bliss" scented shampoo bubble gel today, with some cherry lipgloss.  The warm colour of the gel reminds me of happy childhood days.  Today, I'm not sure what my favorite colour is, but I'm inclined to think that it's something neutral and stormy.  It'll be red as soon as I wake up.  I'm not a fan of the weather, nor do I care whether it's raining.  Not today.  Today, I just want to be in bed, raising pokemon and struggling to think of cool names.  I'm volatile, and completely unsure why.  Today, I feel like a new person, and although I have to admit that today me is completely happy right now, I miss the old bouncing me-- it's discomforting to be a stranger to myself, but I know that days like this are bound to happen.  Right now, I'm a girl that smiles when your back is turned, because I'm really and truly content, but I don't want for you to realize... it's still a secret.  Even though some things go wrong... I still know that this is the happiest time of my life.  It is.  :3.  I can tell by the way there's still a candle flickering on the dresser and I can still hear Chasing Cars in my memory.

    PS- I got a surprise present in the mail the other day completely out of the blue and it made me so happy.  Like the size of elephants happy.  ^_^ Thank you.