Honestly.  If I start a sentence out with 'honestly', are you more inclined to believe me?  'Honestly', I hope you burn in the fire of a thousand suns.  'Honestly', I'm magical.  'Honestly', I'm a mess.  'Honestly', I can't do this alone.  Can you just trust me?  I only lie to save my skin.  Honestly, I hate that about myself.  If you ask me, right now, to honestly tell you, I'll tell you the truth.  Because I don't want to be made into a liar. Right now, I want to think that the world is beautiful, and that there's something great just underneath the surface. But Yester-Sephy wasn't like that.  Yesterday, I was a raging ball of resentment and masks, just trying to make it to the next sleep. 

I was listening to the radio with Rephe earlier in the car.  Some guy trying to express his political activism by cutting down the other party.  It's always the same shit.  It's always so sickening. If you care about something, isn't it better to do something?  Not... play word games.  Just be honest, goddamnit.  Wouldn't it be more prudent to say "go get tested!" or "X believes in lowering taxes, and he supports cheaper education, he's done these things to help the community, vote X!" instead of "Y was seen at this place, in his campaign he said this shit, what an incompetent fucker" or something completely unrelated?  I'm so tired of this shit.  I love politics.  I especially love the actual political part of it, the debates and the laws and the alliances.  I understand that all of it goes hand-in-hand, but if all you can do is smear some politician by cracking on insignificant shit that has nothing to do with their actions for their people, go bury yourself.  Really. It's not even worth my time to bury you myself.  You don't know politics and really don't deserve to open your mouth if you don't even have a real understanding of the politics behind the people.  So go die.

Yesterday morning greeted me with grey swirling skies and steady rain.  It was beautiful weather for a costume party.  I say this both in earnest and a bit sardonically, since it eliminated our hopes of eating outside.  I was dressed in a layered red "goddess" themed dress that Josh had bought me last year, which was lucky, as I had neither the time nor the money to buy myself a costume, but I'm glad that I was able to participate.  The entire class was dressed up for the day-- we had various ladybugs and butterflies, Uncle Sam, Gumbi (which was hilarious, in context), a murse in a dress, a pregnant nun, an alcohol prep pad... and, you know, about 25 other things.  We all looked really goofy.  As a whole, we were more talkative and cheerful than usual... We'd needed something to celebrate.  The staff provided this huge nacho bar for us, so we got to top our own heaping plates of nachos, and they'd made us cakes and cookies and halloween candies.. it all had the air of a high school holiday.  But it was a looong day.  I got there an hour early, but even so, we stayed from 8:00 until after 5:00, and it was straight lecture with a small break for lunch.  The celebration was probably the only reason that I didn't pass out from boredom. ...That, and rushing home to play a game with Rephe. My living room looks like a giant mess now, with a de-constructed Christmas tree hanging out and a small pile of presents, already wrapped and waiting for their season.  We've been spending time at the mall and collecting our presents early, while we still have money to spend on them.  Of course, those days are the most fun, for me.  Even if I don't find anything, playing with toys and looking at ornaments is enough to cheer me up by several arbitrary measurements.

..Despite all of the happy times I've been having, Rephe's been starting to seem down lately.  He's less likely to mao at me randomly and he's been getting more and more quiet.  He worries me.

We're going to have a pumpkin-themed feast for Halloween.

There's nothing like looking for Christmas presents to make you realize how poor you really are.  If I sit back and consider what I'd really and honestly like to get somebody and then go to find it, I discover that it's usually more than my entire budget.  I feel like I've always been making excuses to people about why I have to give them lame presents, because I'm poor and not creative enough to invent something sweeter or cooler, and it'll always be that way.  Especially if school doesn't stop eating me alive.

Two pretty blunt things to say here:
1. If this doesn't work out, fuck it, I'm going to apply to every crazy program I can think of, spanning from law school to geology to animal biology, and I'll settle for whatever makes me the happiest and gives me the freedom to live however I best feel alive, instead of confining Rephe and myself to stress and long, quiet nights accentuated by cursing violently at assignments and demanding that he pick up my slack because my mind is so worn out that simple words don't make sense to me anymore.
2. I've been on my period for over two weeks.  I have periods that skip around, I've gone seven months without one and I was okay with that, because it's what my mother did, too.  But this is too much.  I'll have slow days and clotty days and rough days, all strewn in randomly.  It's time to get my hormone levels checked.  I'm not even afraid, just agitated because I don't have any time.

The school week was another slap in the face.  Another absolute failure punctuating my wreckage of a life, but I've gotten so used to it by now that I automatically shut myself on and plowed on, doing the small assignments first and taking every spare second to a mall to buy presents, because walking around and looking at Christmas ornaments with a pretty boy on my arm was the closest thing I could find to happiness.  It worked; I made it through the week without crying once, although I did question my future on a daily basis, and decided that it's useless to stress.  It doesn't stop me from stressing, of course.

I'm feeling a little bit down, but this program's done nothing but change me into a generally stressed-out, angry, mopey person and there's nothing I can do about it until the responsibility wanes enough for me to take back over.  I'm holding out in 4/5 classes, and I'll just have to make the last one up next semester.  Honestly, if I had a choice, I never knew it.  Just, if you pray, please do for me.  It's not just "a future", to me, and I'm not throwing it away or not applying myself... it's what I want, and I really love it, and I'm trying with everything I've got.

I even stopped playing Harvest Moon and Pokemon to work better.  XD.

Anyway, I've got a small Christmas tree now.  I think that instead of spending money on a costume, I'm going to take Rephe on Sunday and look for some Ornaments and lights to string our tree up with.  I'm already looking at recipes and meals to make for the visit, too, since it's pretty much the best thing that I've got to look forward to, right now.  I can't wait to see Dal again.

Thank you for everything, beautiful blue-eyed boy.  Even though we're not really living the way we want, you're still keeping me alive.  I can't imagine how difficult I must be right now.  I hope I can make it up to you one day.

Sincerely,

I had an unbelievably beautiful weekend.  I didn't even realize until the end how perfect the weather was.  I never once felt cold or too hot, even though we were out really early hitting some trails and walking really hardcore through the hottest part of the day.  The weather was just amazing. We saw about five different waterfalls.  It was unintentional, at first.  We went to Tennessee to scope out some areas that we'd missed the last time we were there, such as Ruby Falls and Rock City-- the first of which was in a cave.  They had colored lights lighting the path, catching on the pools of water and the stalactites and whatnot, so it was all mystifyingly beautiful.  I've got pictures of the waterfall up on Facebook-- it was awesome.  They'd turned it into a light show, which is good in some ways, bad in many others... but they let us walk underneath and look up while the illuminated drops came at us.  That was breathtaking.

And then we visited a mountain that was fairy tale-ified, with enchanting music playing along the paths, bridges made of stone and rope bridges, waterfalls with legends posted around for us to read, and tons of cute scenes all lit up along the way.  The Snow white one was done particularly well, and I liked the rainbow tunnel.  My one complaint was that there were some areas where the path was so thin that I couldn't turn around, and I began to freak out enough that the guy in front of me had to reassure me that we were almost through.  ^_^;

We then went to see some waterfalls in northern Alabama, watched some people go diving off of mountains into streams, stood on precarious cliffs, had some picnics... my favorite part was getting out of the car halfway up the mountain in a forest... a lot of other people were stopped to play on the gigantic rocks (they were bigger than houses).  There was this one emo kid, in particular, who had climbed on top of the biggest one and was helping his siblings up.  He was having such a good time...  It made me miss being athletic enough to climb up that far without seriously injuring myself.  I might have tried anyway, if my parents weren't there.

All in all, I got a ton of studying done, too, between the car rides and the long baths after the hikes... and of course, my parents bought enough drinks and food and appliances to make it seem like Christmas; I didn't fall behind at all, but I feel entirely relaxed and happy.  I'm sure the feeling will melt away tomorrow in the face of the Pharm test.  I hate pharmacology class, even though it's my favorite subject material... but that's an issue for another time.  I'm too happy to gripe.  :3.

I got a small Christmas tree-- my very own!  I was looking for one so that I could have my own Christmas, and then while we were out, we happened to stop at an estate sale... and there it was, six dollars and perfectly good.  Now I'm on the hunt for cute decorations.  ^_^  It's been the best weekend!

I miss everyone, though.  I can't wait to see a Dally again, and to have another date with Rephe.  I love you guys.

On Thursday, I picked Rephe up from his awesome trip to Florida and we went to look at potential Christmas presents.  I'd been thinking about buying him his own laptop, so that he would have an official one instead of borrowing mine, but I wasn't going to buy one for him until November, if at all.  But things just don't like to go according to plan.  We found a giant package deal for a great price and ended up opening up an account under my name to get it for him.  I, being a complete and total airhead, wrote the wrong social security number down.    Some stranger was randomly charged.  I managed to convince the guy to call and change it, but he was altogether way too amused by my mistake..

Yesterday, I started my OB rotation.  I had my first Spanish-only patient and it went wonderfully.  I'm more confident in myself now.  Today, I worked my first evening shift.  It was a lot more boring, since I was in triage.  Nobody was coming in, so we all spent the day looking at diamond rings.  And by "we", I mean the nurses.  I spent the day glancing at various clocks, wishing that maybe one would go faster than the others and the day would miraculously end.  Eventually, it did. 

But then I saw a text from Rephe.  He'd been vomiting the other day, so I was already moderately concerned about him. Today, he was all the way down in Prattville having a performance with the band.  He took a fall from a truck, knocked his ribs up badly, and blacked out.  He immediately started bruising, one of the girls gave him a medication that he's not supposed to take, and his kidney, which is always of concern, became extremely tender.  I ran home to grab his wallet and rushed him to the E.R.  We've been sitting in his room for a couple of hours, waiting for him to have an x-ray done... and now we're waiting for the results.  It's been a while since I've been in here, so I'm really just grateful that we've evaded the E.R. for so long... but right now, I'm just tired.  I hope that whatever happened, it's simple.  This room is cold, and I'd like to get him warmed up and cozy. ._.

So that's where I'm at.  I had occasion to realize, again, that people inevitably change, and that I change... and that those changes sometimes divert from my own.  People that once were the basis of my dreams become completely different while my dreams stay the same, and it's disorienting.  It makes me realize that I need to cling much tighter to the ones that I do want to be a part of it all, because it's much easier to lose them than I realized.  People who used to believe in things become so matter of fact, and cold.  ._.  I just want to keep dancing around my words and looking at the stars, drinking hot cocoa and playing games in my spare time.  None of that growing up and growing into action, for me.  Just the dreaming, and the romantics, and the storming. 

I'd be happy to sit here, at this bedside, just the way that I am, until I'm old and gray.  He, and Dal, are the only ones that I need.

Jakey is leaving for freaking Universal Studios today, with the band.  That makes me the only person I actually know that hasn't been, again.  I'm so envious that I could vomit, but instead I'm wishing him luck and pining.  I miss having dinner and someone to yell at when this program makes me sick.  x_x.  Already, even though I just left him.  But I hope he has fun.  He deserves it.  Heart, heart.

The world seems like a much colder place lately.  The people around me don't laugh, or make jokes, or act comfortable.  It's all averted gazes and brief responses, and sometimes I wonder if it's me, but I don't think it is.  I just wish I could see a bit of the world that I lived in when I was a freshman, again.  If I went to the bowling alley tonight, would people still be there laughing and cutting jokes?  Or would it be quick glances and averted gazes, like everybody in 1006?  We went outside for lunch today, and it was the first time I'd seen them smile in a really long time.  They thanked me for suggesting it, but in my head I wondered why.  Most of the lunch was spent in silence.  This aspect of my life, for lack of a better word, sucks.  It drives me crazy.  If I could just have one night out in a parking lot, talking loudly and laughing and chasing some idiot around for saying something idiotic, I'd probably be half as emo-destructive as I've been.  But I have some damn high standards, it seems.  Nobody that I know anymore likes playing RPGs and sharing giant mugs of cocoa.  Bah.  Being responsible is the most personality-destroying decision a person could make, and I've caught myself red-handed right in the middle of it.  Hell if I'd rather talk about some vera wang accessories rather than some kickass teenie bopper movies and going to coldstone. /rant.  I'm pretty sure that I sometimes have anxiety issues.  In fact, I know that I do, but I also know that they'll all directly the fault of this program.  I'm halfway through with the hard part, though. Fingers crossed.

My parents are coming to visit for fall break.  It starts on the 14th and ends Sunday.  It's a long shot, but if anybody is free on any of those days, they (and myself), would really love to meet for lunch or something.  But I'm not expecting anything, I'm holding out for Christmas.  If those plans break, I think my soul will be completely dead.    I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take.  Rephe is literally the only break I get, and only because he takes so much of the responsibility off of my shoulders.  I don't think any sane person would put themselves through this program.  No wonder a quarter of us quit.  Most of the rest of us don't even remember what a social life is anymore... and we're all getting close to the edge.  We can all feel it, everybody is always so terse. 

Wow.  I'm glad that I've had a chance vent, but I'm not all negativity.  x_x.  I want to remember the good times, too, so happy thoughts: Halloween costume party with AMNP is coming up!  I'm looking into costume ideas, now.  The weather was so cold that I needed a real jacket today!  :3.  I'm sure all the leaves are changing now and I'm definitely going to have to take a study break at the garden soon.  I get to sleep in in the morning.  I think my future looks wide open and full of adventure.  I've got ice cream in the freezer.  I've always got my writing.  My family is super amazing.    And sympathy belly! ^_~

P.S.  Once I'm through will all of this stress and emo, <3, I'm going to save the world. :3