I'm sure that I won't be here tomorrow to say this, so Happy New Year, dear friends.

My plans, thus far, are to spend the holiday watching the ball drop on television with my parents, and having Seth be around to play online games with.  That seems to be the tradition.  ^_^;  Spike and Angel are going to try to do fireworks, but the most important thing for me is to be with my parents when Midnight hits.  They say, after all, that how you start the year is a strong indicator of what the year will be like.  I'd like to spend it growing closer to my family.  I have this ever-growing understanding that I won't have forever with them, and I know that I'm going to be so, so lost when they're gone.

Let's see... 2010 was marked by anxiety attacks.  Sometimes I was so shaken up by them that I couldn't get myself to think or do anything to distract from them, and that made me want to just die to escape it.  I'm glad those have diminished significantly since then.  I spent the beginning of the year praying that I would get into this AMNP program, and the rest of the year cursing it and watching myself be changed completely.  I like some of the changes, I feel like a more worthwhile and hardened woman, but I just feel so drained of everything but the very core of what I consider to be myself, at the same time.  I'll be glad when this program is through.  I saw Kalinesti for much longer periods of time than I'm used to, and I know that I still love them more than I love much of anything.  I got my first apartment.  I'm in love with it.  It's tiny and I don't know the first thing about how to take care of it, but I can't stand to be away from it at all.  I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree.  Walking out in that line, I felt more proud of myself than I ever have... I think that I've become more subdued and that my tastes and preferences have become more honed.  I probably come off as reaaaally judgmental, when I think that, in reality, I've been feeling more judged.  I really like how I feel when I'm waking up to a DalDal at the foot of my bed, and I think I can do anything when Jake's supporting me.  He did carry me single-handedly through the first two semesters of nursing school, and that couldn't have been easy.  I can think of several afternoons when I gave up on myself and just sat crying, and he was always ready to rescue me with an amazing dinner and a bubble bath.  That's the kind of hero a girl really needs.  I'm one lucky chica.

I think that, for 2011... my goals are to start an active activity for fun and great justice.  Justice being... not being lazy, in my case.  I can't wait to (God-willing) find a job locally in an area that'll give me stories to tell.  I want to start the next phase of my program-- I'm not asking to get through it with flying colors, I just want to get there.  XD.  I want to travel to a new place-- pick a new city, get a hotel room, and explore the heck out of it... just get out of here and be a stranger for a day.  I want to get to the ocean when it's not seaweed season and spend the night out on a blanket, looking at the stars.  I want to find a new, exciting board game.  And I want to get to know-- really get to know-- some people all over again.  With an open mind and no expectations, the way that you meet a stranger... except, I'll already know that I'm in store for someone amazing. 

Mao. ^_^;

My dream last night was so vivid that I woke up still reeling from it.  I wanted to write it in a story, but I know that I have a long way to go before I can do something like it justice.  One thing really stunned me, though.  When everything had run itself to the ground and I was face to face with unrequited love, he told me  to try again.  Everything that had led to that point of putrefaction and his icy cold demeanor was forgiven, just like that.  But it wasn't a second chance.  It was like moving on.

But time's the enemy, there.  There's no way for us to remove ourselves from time and take us back to where we can choose another fork in the road.  All the mistakes of the past have consequences, no matter how hard they try to forgive.  There's no starting over.  But if we could, maybe I'd find a place where everything doesn't end in entropy, and relationships don't become so familiar and worn that the feelings they were built upon slowly lose themselves. 

We became strangers, in the end, and he had no desire to know me because he already knew my flaws and was so weary of them.  And I was still drawn in by his passion and strength and couldn't help but break under my love for him.  Again. 

I wish I could sleep forever.

Dear diary,
Christmas was amazing.  Today is not.
Right now, we're getting snow that doesn't ever quite reach the ground.  We had a night of restless, interrupted sleep, due to some members of the family packing up and yelling directions as they got ready to leave  at 400 in the morning.  Now I'm grumpy and tired, but I've got to get ready for church and a certain Seth wants to come hang out afterward. My extended family is all getting ready to leave. All I want to do is spend some time alone, writing and playing games, maybe starting my book... or to spend more time watching marathons with the family.  But I don't have much more time here to spend with people.    There's never any rest, is there?  A lot of my moodiness comes from some news that I got last night, and I'll refrain from sharing it and casting judgment, as I do quite enough of both of those.  I want to be supportive, but I'm not sure how to help.  I just don't want to have to wait for the answer for too long.  Time won't wait for anyone.

Yesterday, I woke up before the sun so that I could watch Rephe open presents via webcam.  I wish there were more for him to open, but I was happy just to be able to see his face again.  He opened everything up and we talked for a while before he went back to sleep and I spent several long hours waiting on the couch for the family to trickle in for our Christmas.  I don't like giving people Christmas lists precisely because I enjoy watching what they'll get me... their choices say something about themselves, or what they think of me, or what our story is.  For instance, I know that Bradley doesn't actually know a thing about me, despite being the non-nuclear family that I've spent the most time with, because he got me a purple snuggie for Christmas.  He knows just as well as anybody that the only way to win my heart is red.  Jennifer, who I hadn't met until now, got me a red box of lotions in my favorite scent, and my favorite dear cousin goes for purple.  I also happen to remember having a conversation with him about how snuggies were just glorified bathrobes that you wear backwards and thus useless, as well.  Yet, since he did choose it for me, I'm a fan of my own.  I don't like any other snuggie, though.  My aunt, as usual, went with 50$ in starbucks gift cards, which is impersonal but incredibly useful.  Coffee and college students is a smart mix.  My parents, on the other hand, surprised me with how accurate they've become.  Just a couple of years ago, they were almost embarrassing with how far off their gifts were... so I started giving them lists.  Now, even though I sent the list, they selected just a couple things (Pathfinder, Kirby's Epic Yarn), and picked out the rest themselves.  Things such as Mario games (:P) and the exact flavors of lipgloss that I would have chosen.  And of course, hot cocoa.  I think that says a lot about how far we've come communication-wise in our relationship since I've moved out, and that's something that I'm really grateful for. 

After presents, we had a feast.  Looking at it, I thought it was enough food to feed a small village, but by the end of the meal, much of it was gone.  We had ham and turkey, mom's awesome stuffing, her green bean casserole, etc.  And we were all trying to crowd around the table-- 8 people in one room is awfully crowded.

But, it was fun.

It's too bad that it's already over.  I can't wait for next Christmas. ;_;
(Happy early Birthday, Dally, & Happy New Year!).

This house is almost intolerably loud right now; Merry Christmas Eve.
It doesn't feel like Christmas is happening tomorrow.  It's not cold, and none of these houses have Christmas lights up.  I haven't taken a walk through any Christmas lanes or sipped on hot cocoa while staring in awe at somebody's flashy lights display.  None of that.  But the tree is really cheery, and now the floor is spilling over with presents.

And people are calling for us to go and watch television together... a show called "Leverage".  It's a good show, I've had a lot of laughs.  But this part of the family was always the type that I could laugh with.  I've met Martin's wife for the first time.  We're both really quiet, but I like her.  She spends her time reading, and, evidently, likes to play games.  I don't feel any sort of girly flippancy or competitiveness or any ugly thing that girls tend to do from her, and that's something I can appreciate.  Good job, Martin.  She's really pretty.

The internet, as always, is something of a contention.  Someone, who I leave nameless, is always stealing the majority of it.  But it's time for cheer.  We've had some amazing desserts: cookies from my aunt (she makes the best cookies in the world, honest), cobbler from my mother, beignets and the whole show.  We're being spoiled.

But I miss home, and Rephe.  Someone to snuggle with and conspire with.  Right now I don't miss the quiet rooms and being alone, but I miss the noisiness of being with Dal and JJ and Kao all at once.  Why does the end of the year always come crashing down with the greatest velocity? 

For now, that's all I've got time to say, it's time to go lend myself to family time and growing addicted to this new television show. 

Merry Christmas.

Well, the week with Dal is over now, and I'm feeling a bit shell-shocked.  I get the impression that the beginning and end were quite amazing, but the middle of it all ran together.  I was feeling just a little bit depressed periodically from the middle to the end.  I can't place my finger on why, but I'm sure it had something to do with being weary of goodbyes.  The withdrawal is a self-destructive behaviour, since in the end it meant that I was being mopey and silent throughout much of the week, burying myself in Dal's presents and being generally distant.  I think, though, that JJ won in the isolation contest... he spent much of the week taking long walks and being generally quiet.  I'm not mad, though.  When he does talk, he makes up for it... plus, he offered to clean all of our dishes (and dishes for five people all day long is nothing to scoff at) two nights in a row, and bought Rephe Dr. Pepper.  He also makes the place muuuuuuuch more lively, Jake and I were thinking that he'd be pretty cool to live with.

I didn't start really loosening up until our last dinner at Macaroni Grill, right before they left.  I doodled on a napkin and thefted it, and then I started chomping on Dally.  I should have done that sooner, but I was feeling so tremulous all week... the best that I can say for it is that it made me extremely happy to see them all in my living room playing games like Hallos together, and waking up to mao around on the computer with them sleeping near the foot of my bed.  Life kind of melted together for most of the week, though, and looking back, I wish that I'd taken them on long road trips every day just to make it unforgettable for them, the way that seeing them always does for me.  On the other hand, we kind of slept through a lot of the daylight every day, XD.  The apartment seemed much happier while they were here, and I took it for granted.

Christmas was the best.  We went to the mall to meander for a bit, and then opened our presents.  I was extremely spoiled, much more than I expected.  I won't make a list, but a few of my favorites included Dal's DS games, the hungry neko-chan piggy bank, a ring with black diamonds on it, and of course Teshie's famous box o' goodies.  Among other things.  x_x  There was just so much to be happy about.  Plus, I think Jakey felt entirely too comfortable and included, he started taking Dal's side against me by the end of the trip.  XD.  I'm really lucky to have friends that are so willing to take care of me, and my stuff, even when I'm not pulling my own weight..

I've been thinking about burning some candles to make the place look more lively, it just seems so quiet since they've left.

...I had a lot of fun making the giant Korean buffet with the mandu and the kimbop and bulgogi and tteokbokki and cucumber kimchi.  :3  I told my mom about it and I was really excited.  ^_^;; But I can't eat out for a really long time now, I've had my limit for a loooong time, thanks to sending the guys out for all those expeditions.

There's not much else to say.  I wish that I'd started chomping on Dally a lot sooner, I was much happier with them here than I showed.  I was crying when they left, and I'm still maoin' a bit.  I hope we can do it again. .  Maybe next time I'll be able to pull my own and spoil them back.  I love you guys infinitely,