This weekend should have been amazing, since it's the first in a while that I haven't had a test looming over my head and several online modules to do.  Things almost never go according to plan, though.  Last night, as a "thank you" to Rephe for helping me out so immensely lately, I took him out to our favorite hibachi place.  Without warning, they'd changed all the rules on us, and we didn't quite get what we thought we were going to get.  I still have to admit, though... that fried rice tasted amazing.  We went to the bookstore afterward and perused the philosphy, sci-fi, and fantasy, before my stomach decided to go completely haywire and Rephe had to rush me home to spend the night maoin' pretty hard.  And then today, Anthony was supposed to take us out to help us find Rephe a car... but of course he called and cancelled due to extra work with his dad.  And so we stayed home all day, mostly just hanging out on our respective computers.  I really feel a bit ripped... I'd like a re-do. I had some grand plans and I certainly didn't want to spend my time off doing what I do every day.  But you know, it happens. 

But Thursday... which should have been a completely stressful day, as I had two shifts to run and came back to find Rephe going out with his roommate... was really amazing.  After I came home exhausted and moody, Rephe came back with beautiful red roses and white & raspberry hot cocoa to share.  He and Anthony sat in the living room, with their dumb computers, showing me videos that they thought were hilarious (my sense of humour is so off-kilter), and I really felt relaxed for a while.

:3  So Rephe, when you're reading this, thank you for being so sweet.  That was easily the best day I've had this week.  And despite all of my maoin', I had fun at hibachi with you, too.  I'm glad that you're always here for me.

Something unexpected happened.  Well, I can't say that I didn't ever see it coming; but I wasn't expecting it yet.  Rephe's caustic ex-girlfriend sent him a long message last night.  I thought that she wouldn't be ready to talk with him for a while, still, and yet there it was.  It left both of us speechless for a while.  I'm afraid that she may (un)intentionally drag him under again, but I can't deny that talking could be really good for both of them, too.  Honestly, I know that that's really not my news to share, but I feel like the impact, at least, happened to me, too.  So there's that.

On Friday night, having fallen behind on my work during the day, I actually rushed through a teaching plan and one-third of the material for my test.  I was surprised that I made it... but with Rephe's help, I did, and that opened the door for me to take Saturday off to ride up to Atlanta and see everyone again.  (Everyone being Dally, Kao, Teshie, Toan, & Trish).  We waited at T&T's place for DalDal to finish testing, and then we nommed at Moe's, realized it was too late to go to the aquarium, and sat in front of the coke factory waiting for Teshie and Kao to arrive until it was almost too late to go in.  :3

I've been to the coke factory a few times already, but I was still really excited to be there.  I'm childish in that way, if childishness is being able to see something so often that you've got it memorized and still think it's magical and hiding something new each time.  Plus, I'd never been there with Rephe.  This may or may not be a secret, but with the people I was with in the past, every. single. time we went on a trip with high hopes and excitement and bubbliness, they would do something that disappointed me, and I would crash down horribly.  I like to build myself up high, enjoy the view.  But as I come crashing down, I tear them down with me, and a fight ensues, and then there's a tense atmosphere until somebody makes me forget that I was ever disappointed in the first place.  So the last time I was there, in the middle of the building someone upset me with an inconsiderate comment and a well-placed insult and I spent a good portion of the trail huffing&puffing along.  The difference with Rephe is that he takes care of me.  Nothing went wrong on the trip at all, there was no crashdown.  I genuinely had fun the whole time.

Plus, he's just as childish as I am, so he gets just as excited.  We appreciate some things in ways I can't share with other people.

But really, the coca-cola bear is creepy.  It's mouth opens in this horrifyingly soulless smile-- the kind that never reaches its eyes.  And it's eyes blink periodically.  x_x We took a picture or so with it, but I think that everyone but me was extremely creeped out the whole time... and the only reason that I wasn't creeped out was because I was examining the pretty patterns on the walls intently.  He was at the beginning of the tour.  The 4-D room just made me kind of uncomfortable, because my glasses weren't working for me and it was jostling me around like a mofo.  We missed some rooms because we were hanging back an awful lot to take pictures everywhere.  And then, at the end, the drink sample room.  I didn't even remotely hit every drink this time; I just kind of wandered about watching people try their drinks, most of the time... and it was interesting.  Some of their faces really surprised me.  The freestyle drink machine was new, and it was amazing.  I made a completely rocking suicide with various flavoured cokes and fantas.  I can't wait to start seeing those hanging out.

And then after that, we went back to the apartment and wound down.  That was hard.  I watched Rephe practically wither as he realized we were saying goodbye.  We're not used to seeing them and having it be over right away.  I've learned to choke my own distress back, but seeing Rephe with his heart on his sleeve like that makes it come flooding back to me.  ...But for some reason, it makes me really happy to see that it distresses him like that, too.  Those guys all mean to much to me.. I can't imagine actually having to say goodbye.  Toan's imminent move is a reality that I've just been ignoring all this time.  I don't really want to think about it.  Ever.

Thanks, all of you.  It was really, really fun.

There are just some days when I've absolutely got to beat myself up.  I guess I was feeling too comfortable with myself.  On days like this, I look at the facebook pages of everybody that I've hurt, everybody that's hurt me.  I look at how happy or upset they are, and think about what in the world they must think of me when I cross their minds, however briefly.  There are very few people who I still feel... angry at, when I remember them, but thinking back at the way that I've treated some people, and the things that I've heard from some of them, I know that they must really think that I'm a  bitch.  Which really hurts me, more than any other word could.  Sometimes, I convince myself that that's just what I am and always will be, because people can't just walk away from the decisions they've made, even though I know that I've been trying to walk away from that me.  And I never wanted anybody to be hurt anyway.

So on days like this, it would go to follow that I also tell myself that I don't have the right to really say that I love Rephe.  I don't deserve to, certainly, but what we get in life is hardly ever about what we deserve.  I do love him as much as I can, whether I should have the ability or right to or not, but there's a lot that holds me back.  Such as mistakes I've made in the past-- once you've done certain things, I feel like you forfeit the right to just hand your heart over to somebody new, and the fact that some part of me is always going to be reserved... despite that, every ounce of romantic love that I've got to give goes to him.  But today, I've just been telling myself that I don't even deserve the chance.

Last night, he took me to The Cheesecake Factory and we had a beautiful dinner.  I had some spicy jambalaya pasta, and it was fantastic-- except I don't like long noodles.  But flavour-wise, it was tops.  And we sat in the low light, talking about absolutely nothing and snuggling in public like young, bratty kids do.  I felt pretty pampered, since I don't really get to go out much anymore, and certainly never to places like that.  Sigh.  So thanks, Rephe, for making me feel like a princess.  It was wonderful.

Sincerely,
One Melancholic Sephadon

Postnote: I can't express how disappointed I am in society.  When the thing that people actually value the most is what's the most gossip-inducing, and when what's supposedly fun is, in reality, pretty mindless and mundane, I can't help but feel like I belong somewhere more aspiring.  I wish I were born in a different era, when romantics or chivalry or enlightenment was actually a common interest.   Or any number of other movements which were actually moving and not stagnant.  And when professions weren't built upon politics and hypocrisy, but instead upon what a person could do and what was needed within society.  Everything today seems like a superfluous of raging idiocy and meniality... but simple things like interpreting the art in museums and turning on your brain cells every once in a great blue moon are so overlooked by the people that I've been observing that I feel like it's all entropy.

I feel a wee bit depressed today.  Cheers.

Happy Martin Luther King day.

I'll be spending the day napping through this mysterious headache, and then studying this stupidly difficult exam material until it's time to pass back out.  I'm mad that they're making me learn such complicated material-- they don't have the time to teach it, and we haven't been given enough time to teach ourselves... and even if I do want to be this kind of nurse, this information will be way beyond my scope of practice.  It's interesting, but definitely not something that I could learn, even if I had a month.  I'm just praying for a pass.

I dreamt last night that I was an elf.  And in my insanely long elven lifetime, I had just one goal.  It didn't involve falling in love.  Or making friends.  Or having a family.  So with my goal-oriented mind, I neglected all of these and went on to accomplish something that I thought was noble and great.  I had a party of people who were out to accomplish the same goal, which involved raising a whelp to save the world or somesuch.  I had a kind of emotionless relationship with one of them.  We'd snuggle, and always had each others backs, ate lunch with each other.  It was convenient and safe.  But eventually, when I noticed one of our other members falling in love with the whelp, something broke inside of me and I realized how very not worth it safe is.  So I started letting myself fall in love for the first time, and trying to win him over little by little, and he's just not seeing it.  It's okay, though, because now I'm awake, and I won't let go.

Awake.  That's when I woke up.  Relentless.  I've been having a lot of dreams about unrequited love or "marriages of convenience", so to speak.  Is it something that's on my mind, or something that I fear?  Or maybe some morbid part of me thinks that it's beautiful.  I could see that, in myself.  I don't talk with myself often enough to know for sure, though. 

Anyway, there's not much else on my mind.  Rephe and I have begun reading more, and it's brought a little piece of lucidity back to me.  I look forward to storytime all day, now.  And then ice cream.  XD I'm such a child.  Right now, we're reading through Pathfinder (Orson Scott Card) together.  I have this insane goal, to get through all of The Wheel of Time afterward.  I imagine that would take decades, at this pace, haha.  But it's something to look forward to.  Maybe we'll jump to something less massive first, and work our way up.  I'm just having difficulty finding good books to pick out.  Mew.

They must have been joking when they said that this semester was easier.  The material is as ambiguous as ever, and they've given us more assignments than ever, with confusing and contradictory directions.  I think that, if I could go back, I'd choose something else.  This will forever be known as the "hermit" portion of my life.  I feel like I've been living in a cave in the wild, and they've put me here.  They... like it's a conspiracy.  They're out to sap my life away, and turn me into some drone.  Sometimes, I think I really believe it.

But when I'm home, and not reminded of their constant pressure on my life, I'm happy.  I've been finding little pockets every day to detach myself and just enjoy what I can.  I'm realizing that I'm not as lost as I thought I was, I'm just hiding, and waiting for this part to be over.  And you know, for better or worse, it will be, soon.

:3

I find it miraculous that hours after I wrote to myself about how drab everything had been lately, a full on ice storm strikes the city. Minutes after I received the e-mail that informed me that my classes and clinicals were cancelled today, I heard the clinking of ice outside.  Eventually, the ice became soft, glittering snow.  I was peering out the back window when I saw one giant, fluffy snowflake fall lazily down.. but the ground looked completely normal.  I thought nothing of it.  But minutes later, Rephe asked me to look outside the front window.  Under the streetlights, my entire apartment complex was glittering and soft.  Snow was falling heavily, being pushed this way and that by inconsistent winds..

I remember once having been asked what the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen was.  My answer, of course, changes often, since as a person, I'm inconsistent, but at the time, my answer had been something like this:  when I was little, and in Michigan, walking outside after a giant snowstorm.  The air was very still, and the sky was clear, and there was snow packed several inches tall all around, untouched.  In the light, it glittered.  Like a wonderland.  Or like a dream.  Just soft, pure, white, glittering beauty...

Of course, I had to make tracks in the snow.  By the time I went back inside, they were filling in again, ready to be made fresh in the morning.  I made a tiny, pathetic snowball, and jumped around for several minutes.  I'd run outside initially in just a dress.  XD I had to go back inside to throw a giant sweater awkwardly on top of it, and trade my sandals out for tennis shoes.  Strangely, even though I've been in the south now for over ten years, I handled the cold just as I did in Michigan- as soon as I see snow, I don't even feel it.  I didn't notice my hands going numb, or the shivering.  I just flailed around, peered up at the falling snow while it assaulted my face, made snow angels....

I hope I find the time to get outside and take proper pictures during the daylight.  This is precisely why I'm determined to live in the north.  I suspect that "snow" is my natural habitat..

I woke to see the snow melting from the rooftops, dripping into icicles, which is enchanting in its own way.  The sidewalks and pavement were shoveled off by somebody, so the complex looks extremely pristine and charming... and the snow, for the most part, looks completely untouched.   I imagine that once the children start waking up, they'll wreak their own chaos into it.  I'd better get out there and reserve my own chaos before then. 

My body's in a lot of pain right now, though, so first, some rest~