January 20, 2011

• 1.20.2011

  There are just some days when I've absolutely got to beat myself up.  I guess I was feeling too comfortable with myself.  On days like this, I look at the facebook pages of everybody that I've hurt, everybody that's hurt me.  I look at how happy or upset they are, and think about what in the world they must think of me when I cross their minds, however briefly.  There are very few people who I still feel... angry at, when I remember them, but thinking back at the way that I've treated some people, and the things that I've heard from some of them, I know that they must really think that I'm a  bitch.  Which really hurts me, more than any other word could.  Sometimes, I convince myself that that's just what I am and always will be, because people can't just walk away from the decisions they've made, even though I know that I've been trying to walk away from that me.  And I never wanted anybody to be hurt anyway.

  So on days like this, it would go to follow that I also tell myself that I don't have the right to really say that I love Rephe.  I don't deserve to, certainly, but what we get in life is hardly ever about what we deserve.  I do love him as much as I can, whether I should have the ability or right to or not, but there's a lot that holds me back.  Such as mistakes I've made in the past-- once you've done certain things, I feel like you forfeit the right to just hand your heart over to somebody new, and the fact that some part of me is always going to be reserved... despite that, every ounce of romantic love that I've got to give goes to him.  But today, I've just been telling myself that I don't even deserve the chance.

  Last night, he took me to The Cheesecake Factory and we had a beautiful dinner.  I had some spicy jambalaya pasta, and it was fantastic-- except I don't like long noodles.  But flavour-wise, it was tops.  And we sat in the low light, talking about absolutely nothing and snuggling in public like young, bratty kids do.  I felt pretty pampered, since I don't really get to go out much anymore, and certainly never to places like that.  Sigh.  So thanks, Rephe, for making me feel like a princess.  It was wonderful.

  Sincerely,
  One Melancholic Sephadon

  Postnote: I can't express how disappointed I am in society.  When the thing that people actually value the most is what's the most gossip-inducing, and when what's supposedly fun is, in reality, pretty mindless and mundane, I can't help but feel like I belong somewhere more aspiring.  I wish I were born in a different era, when romantics or chivalry or enlightenment was actually a common interest.   Or any number of other movements which were actually moving and not stagnant.  And when professions weren't built upon politics and hypocrisy, but instead upon what a person could do and what was needed within society.  Everything today seems like a superfluous of raging idiocy and meniality... but simple things like interpreting the art in museums and turning on your brain cells every once in a great blue moon are so overlooked by the people that I've been observing that I feel like it's all entropy.

  I feel a wee bit depressed today.  Cheers.

  • 5:16 pm
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