February 14, 2011

• 2.14.2011

  I'm awake every night, and you're cutting through my head just like a knife.

  I woke up this morning and idly skimmed through some facebook statuses before heading out to my dreaded meeting, they read a little something like "I hate Valentine's day, it's too commercialized", to "Well, here's to my 2x Valentine's day alone", to "This guy is the best Valentine ever!".  That's about when I quit and decided to do some studying.  Valentine's day has a way of making me both incredibly sappy and incredibly melancholy at the same time.  If I really consider it, I've been really lucky.  I've had some of the best and most romantic Valentine's days that I've heard of... and I've had my share of lonely ones, although those happened long enough ago that I've forgotten the edge of it by now.  I'm lucky.  But of course, these days make me think about what might have been, or what might be, and what I've missed. A day to celebrate love... surely, that's something a girl can attach expectations to?  But... this year, all of my expectations and melancholy dreams are attached to things that I'd like to pull off for somebody, one day, and so they'll remain a secret until I've a chance to give them life.

  My meeting was not as horrendous as I was expecting, if only because I marched right in there and laid out to Mrs. Langston that I knew what kind of situation I was in and that I was pretty doomed.  Right now, my fate lies on ATI, which has never been kind to me. 

  Since it's Valentine's day, I wanted to put some of that out of my mind.  Rephe helped me get various things done so that we could get into our new jammies, nom on his chocolate, and watch Rom-Coms all day.  We picked up some horribly cheesy films and we're about halfway through them now.  XD I expect we'll end up being up all night watching cheesy movies, but you know... I'm glad.  Everybody needs a good snuggle every once in a while.  It's really simple, but it's sweet... a whole day dedicated to laughter, lighthearted themes, and snuggles.  I think I'm going to make some cocoa, too, even though it's getting a bit warm out.

  Next year, I'm going for something big, though. 

  I've been sending messages back and forth with Steven lately.  I don't know why I feel like mentioning it, just having that kind of back and forth is a big catharsis for me.  If you happen to see this, thank you for that. :3  Although, a warning: I tend to fall of the face of the Earth when things get stressed, and never remember to pop back in.  I think I just get to feeling like my place is filled.  I'd say my confidence in myself is pretty low, which still surprises me.  I think pretty highly of myself.  Does anybody have a quick fix for feeling insignificant occasionally?

  That's all that's going on with me.  Happy Valentine's Day. 

  PS- Rephe, you've been my wings.  I love you for your tendency to get songs stuck in my head for days and getting me to laugh at the helplessness of my life, when it is helpless.  Thank you.
  

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