Heaven is here.

Talking to my mother actually gives me answers, sometimes.  It gives me peace, sometimes, and I've really learned to cherish those conversations.  Every once in a while, I think about what my life would be like if she were gone, and I catch myself on the verge of tears.  I have an amazing family, and God knows that I don't deserve them.  That's not some pity-seeking statement; I just didn't believe in myself the way that they did.  Where I am standing now is all thanks to them, and not so much a result of my own actions.  I'm grateful.

Anyway, she shows me all of the open windows and back doors that I don't notice.  It's never the end of the road.  It's probably uphill for a while, starting a year ago, but I'm on a road that's going to take me somewhere.  Somewhere good.

If things don't pan out and bring me closer to my friends again soon, I'm going to pack up and move somewhere drastic.  I've got to get away from things, you know?  And I'm just not a southern girl.  I might consider Cali... they've got room for people like me, I found out, even though most of the people that I've met from Cali weren't my cup of tea.  I might just go north.  Or, if somehow I find a reason to stay, I'll remain here.  I think that the only thing that could keep me here for too much longer is Dal.  And I'd be enthralled to stay here near her, but the way that things are now, Rephe & I might as well just drown.  After I'm done with my training wheels, I'm ready to fly out.

He and I went on a date today.  Sometimes, when things get bad and you can't afford to go on a date, you just kind of do anyway.  At least, we do.  I know we'll be okay, because things just kind of work out, in the end... at least, for me, they do.  So we went and had some Mexican food as soon as my classes were over, and we made these extravagant plans to download some software, make some videos, get famous... you know the drill.  It may not work out exactly like that, but it sounded like fun.  We might dabble.

I might have lined up a part time job for the summer, when I'm just taking online courses and twiddling my thumbs.  Have I earned my responsibility badge yet?  Because I'm trying da-- I'm trying hard. 

Alright, time to unwind with some awesome youtube videos.
With love,
A maoin' Sephrenia.

Dear diary,
I now realize that I've got two major regrets in life.  One was a boy, and the other... unbelievably, has much more lasting damage.  When you can't turn the clock back on something so big, you either learn to embrace it or you become a bitter old person. Isn't that the case?  I thought I could appreciate the little things no matter what my life became as long as I had the little things to appreciate and the time to really pursue my passions, but lately... that time hasn't been there, and the little things alone aren't actually enough.

Barring Rephe, who is by no means a "little thing", but I can't pretend he's my entire salvation when he's got his own life to figure out.  Most of the time, he needs somebody to pick him up off the ground just as much as I do, and hell if I actually have the time for that.  That's probably going to be my third regret, if it goes on for too much longer.

I keep asking myself if this is all my life has to offer.  I wish that somebody could promise me that they'd rescue me, one day.  That would make me happy.  But it's just not like that, is it?  Somehow, I feel that this is related: Rephe came and picked me up from the clinic the other day with a picnic of kebabs, a blanket, and some candles.  He was going to take me out on some amazing date, but Birmingham, this belligerent city, decided to pour down on us the second he got there.  I usually love how rainy the city is... and I have to admit, it was appropriate.  We had our date anyway.  I really am rescued, in those moments... the problem is, I've always got to come back.

We are still dreamers in our dead sleep.

Well, everything was hitting the ground yesterday.  I fell asleep the night before crying about some hopeless future that's not worth the stress and frustration that I'm putting into it.  I woke up and cried again, and decided to quit if the day went horribly.  I just don't feel like my future should make me want to die every day... it's a waste of life.  So I determinedly took my exam, which went horribly.  And then immediately got my grade back from the one that I took two weeks ago, and it was an A.  That's the best I've done in this program.  And then my presentation was "excellent", and I managed to do everything I could for my clinical paperwork... and, to top it off, Kathy (my preceptor) was cancelled today, so I have today off to really catch up on work and relax.

Thank God.

I seem to get these breaks when I'm just about to crumble; it really makes me feel protected.

James leaves me notes in my lunches, reminding me that I'm strong and that he loves me.  They make me think I'm actually strong. /heart.

This little bit of my life is almost done, for better or worse. 

Inexplicably,  I've got time to write again.  I'm not sure what I'll say.  I don't want to resort to fuming about the program again, although they give me reasons to every week.  The program just works against everything that I am, ironically.  I thought it would be more humble, and more clear, but the great thing is that once this is over, there are ways out, if it's all like this.  And this semester is the last one that will be this way, so they tell us. 

I've grown very addicted to Dr. Pepper lately.  James and I sometimes walk to the nearby Chevron station and pick some up.  I like the little walks.  Being outside without a destination ultimatum is relaxing.  We also took a look at housing in this area, since  I don't plan to live in an apartment forever.  (Although, I really love this apartment.)  The houses here are unreasonably expensive for the quality.  I expected as much... but I had an awful lot of fun looking around.  I think I may take a drive soon through the really nice neighborhoods and daydream about spending more than the worth of my lifetime on one.

I almost had a stress breakdown this week, complete with uncontrollable crying right in front of everybody and possibly some irrational screaming... but I think Rephe saw it coming and took some steps: he left a really sweet note for me, called to leave an affectionate voicemail, and reinforced it with several texts throughout the day telling me that I was not a completely useless  screw-up.  It's a shame that I need to be reminded, but he's really the best at doing it.  We've spent a lot of time with each other now, and we don't fight the way that tired couple do.  I'm so grateful for that.

I had big plans for his birthday, but it really doesn't look like I'll be working by then, judging by the way they haven't released our test grades yet.  Regardless, I'm sure that it's going to be filled with balloons and homemade cake.  Somehow, I'd like to throw a big surprise in there.. I might need some collaboration to figure it out, though.  Apart from that, I've been thinking long and hard about living with Dal one day.  I'm pretty convinced that that's when things are going to start feeling real again.  I'm not sure when they stopped, or how, but I've realized that Rephe's really my only string back right now, and Dal is my end game, so to speak.  Then it's just raids and uber equips, from there.  ^_-. 

When did my conversations with my mother get so long?  I've actually begun looking forward to the little escape from life... and saying that somehow feels like some sort of healing.

Isn't that odd.

Life changes me in ways I truly would never have believed.

Dear diary,

Do I really have a voice?  Am I still tangible?  If I'm saying things, if I even still have that ability (because I don't really know), can anybody actually hear me?  I don't think they can.  This week, more than ever, I feel like I'm slowly becoming immaterial.  A walking ghost.  I spent three days, from before 7a to well after 7p at a clinic, shadowing a nurse.  We ran back and forth through the halls, being griped at and ignored alternatively so much that my feet, then my legs, then my back, then my brain grew numb.  I spent my 8-5 day in class, letting the lectures bounce straight off of me because I was doing paperwork, even though I'm being tested Wednesday.  And my weekend- my precious, long-awaited weekend... I've spent from waking moment until sundown catching up on more paperwork.  I've got only today left to do it, as I've got clinic again starting tomorrow, and I'm only 1/4 of the way through it.  That's not to mention all of our obscene projects, which are due incredibly soon even though this quarter only just started.  Somewhere between all the lines and the medications, I've left myself sitting safely in a corner where the stress and the constant buzz of other peoples' self-importance won't reach me.  I think I'm powerless to remember where that corner is, or how to tell myself that it's okay to come back out.

And for this whole week, I don't feel like anybody has actually interacted with me, even though I've been surrounded by people and bombarded by texts.  I feel intangible.

Like a ghost.

With only two exceptions, nobody has actually spoken to me to talk to me, or that's how it seems, and if I'm misconstruing anybody, to hell with it because I've got to dance around stepping on too many toes during the week to be bothered with it at home.  And even though I really love them to pieces, I'm beginning to wonder if they're only listening because they're ghosts, too. 

With affection,