March 6, 2011

• 3.6.2011

  Dear diary,

  Do I really have a voice?  Am I still tangible?  If I'm saying things, if I even still have that ability (because I don't really know), can anybody actually hear me?  I don't think they can.  This week, more than ever, I feel like I'm slowly becoming immaterial.  A walking ghost.  I spent three days, from before 7a to well after 7p at a clinic, shadowing a nurse.  We ran back and forth through the halls, being griped at and ignored alternatively so much that my feet, then my legs, then my back, then my brain grew numb.  I spent my 8-5 day in class, letting the lectures bounce straight off of me because I was doing paperwork, even though I'm being tested Wednesday.  And my weekend- my precious, long-awaited weekend... I've spent from waking moment until sundown catching up on more paperwork.  I've got only today left to do it, as I've got clinic again starting tomorrow, and I'm only 1/4 of the way through it.  That's not to mention all of our obscene projects, which are due incredibly soon even though this quarter only just started.  Somewhere between all the lines and the medications, I've left myself sitting safely in a corner where the stress and the constant buzz of other peoples' self-importance won't reach me.  I think I'm powerless to remember where that corner is, or how to tell myself that it's okay to come back out.

  And for this whole week, I don't feel like anybody has actually interacted with me, even though I've been surrounded by people and bombarded by texts.  I feel intangible.

  Like a ghost.

  With only two exceptions, nobody has actually spoken to me to talk to me, or that's how it seems, and if I'm misconstruing anybody, to hell with it because I've got to dance around stepping on too many toes during the week to be bothered with it at home.  And even though I really love them to pieces, I'm beginning to wonder if they're only listening because they're ghosts, too. 

  With affection,

  

  • 10:42 am
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