March 22, 2017

  • Echo Chamber

    Lately, I've been writing on wordpress.  It hasn't enchanted me, but it's a common medium these days.  This place feels much more comfortable.  The real reason that I'm here, though, is that lately I've been working on moving all of my blog posts from here and from wordpress onto printed pages, smashed into paper journals to flip through.  It feels more organic and real to see them there.  And easier, somehow.  I think that journals are meant to be touched and flipped across and I even prefer them handwritten, but my hands can't survive writing all of the years that I've recorded.  Nor would I be able to abide the embarrassment.  Reading over past entries, I've been absolutely astounded at how much I've grown.  I was... naive, judgmental, angry, and so obsessed with appearances.  I pretended not to be.  I thought that I wasn't.  So many things, I've stayed true to.  So many things, old me would have been disappointed in.  But there are so many ways that I've grown that I'm proud of, too.  More than anything, reading this has made me wish that I could live forever so that I could truly accomplish all of the things that old me wanted for her life.  It feels like I've become slower as I've gotten older.

    I like writing here.  It feels more organic.  Both because of the setup of this particular site, and how familiar writing still feels here as compared to the new, traitorous journal... but also because this is my space.  My safe space.  Where I can just let me head spill out and not worry about how eloquent, offensive, upsetting I sound.  This is where I can make my mistakes and just be a growing human.  After all, it's where I was these things before, and even though there were so many people here to see and so many people that I offended, we all stuck together and came up okay.

    I miss feeling the fire, for sure, but I wonder if it's an era long gone.  After all, people just don't have time anymore.

    Well, journal.. so long, for now.