Dear diary,
I now realize that I've got two major regrets in life.  One was a boy, and the other... unbelievably, has much more lasting damage.  When you can't turn the clock back on something so big, you either learn to embrace it or you become a bitter old person. Isn't that the case?  I thought I could appreciate the little things no matter what my life became as long as I had the little things to appreciate and the time to really pursue my passions, but lately... that time hasn't been there, and the little things alone aren't actually enough.

Barring Rephe, who is by no means a "little thing", but I can't pretend he's my entire salvation when he's got his own life to figure out.  Most of the time, he needs somebody to pick him up off the ground just as much as I do, and hell if I actually have the time for that.  That's probably going to be my third regret, if it goes on for too much longer.

I keep asking myself if this is all my life has to offer.  I wish that somebody could promise me that they'd rescue me, one day.  That would make me happy.  But it's just not like that, is it?  Somehow, I feel that this is related: Rephe came and picked me up from the clinic the other day with a picnic of kebabs, a blanket, and some candles.  He was going to take me out on some amazing date, but Birmingham, this belligerent city, decided to pour down on us the second he got there.  I usually love how rainy the city is... and I have to admit, it was appropriate.  We had our date anyway.  I really am rescued, in those moments... the problem is, I've always got to come back.

We are still dreamers in our dead sleep.

Well, everything was hitting the ground yesterday.  I fell asleep the night before crying about some hopeless future that's not worth the stress and frustration that I'm putting into it.  I woke up and cried again, and decided to quit if the day went horribly.  I just don't feel like my future should make me want to die every day... it's a waste of life.  So I determinedly took my exam, which went horribly.  And then immediately got my grade back from the one that I took two weeks ago, and it was an A.  That's the best I've done in this program.  And then my presentation was "excellent", and I managed to do everything I could for my clinical paperwork... and, to top it off, Kathy (my preceptor) was cancelled today, so I have today off to really catch up on work and relax.

Thank God.

I seem to get these breaks when I'm just about to crumble; it really makes me feel protected.

James leaves me notes in my lunches, reminding me that I'm strong and that he loves me.  They make me think I'm actually strong. /heart.

This little bit of my life is almost done, for better or worse. 

Inexplicably,  I've got time to write again.  I'm not sure what I'll say.  I don't want to resort to fuming about the program again, although they give me reasons to every week.  The program just works against everything that I am, ironically.  I thought it would be more humble, and more clear, but the great thing is that once this is over, there are ways out, if it's all like this.  And this semester is the last one that will be this way, so they tell us. 

I've grown very addicted to Dr. Pepper lately.  James and I sometimes walk to the nearby Chevron station and pick some up.  I like the little walks.  Being outside without a destination ultimatum is relaxing.  We also took a look at housing in this area, since  I don't plan to live in an apartment forever.  (Although, I really love this apartment.)  The houses here are unreasonably expensive for the quality.  I expected as much... but I had an awful lot of fun looking around.  I think I may take a drive soon through the really nice neighborhoods and daydream about spending more than the worth of my lifetime on one.

I almost had a stress breakdown this week, complete with uncontrollable crying right in front of everybody and possibly some irrational screaming... but I think Rephe saw it coming and took some steps: he left a really sweet note for me, called to leave an affectionate voicemail, and reinforced it with several texts throughout the day telling me that I was not a completely useless  screw-up.  It's a shame that I need to be reminded, but he's really the best at doing it.  We've spent a lot of time with each other now, and we don't fight the way that tired couple do.  I'm so grateful for that.

I had big plans for his birthday, but it really doesn't look like I'll be working by then, judging by the way they haven't released our test grades yet.  Regardless, I'm sure that it's going to be filled with balloons and homemade cake.  Somehow, I'd like to throw a big surprise in there.. I might need some collaboration to figure it out, though.  Apart from that, I've been thinking long and hard about living with Dal one day.  I'm pretty convinced that that's when things are going to start feeling real again.  I'm not sure when they stopped, or how, but I've realized that Rephe's really my only string back right now, and Dal is my end game, so to speak.  Then it's just raids and uber equips, from there.  ^_-. 

When did my conversations with my mother get so long?  I've actually begun looking forward to the little escape from life... and saying that somehow feels like some sort of healing.

Isn't that odd.

Life changes me in ways I truly would never have believed.

Dear diary,

Do I really have a voice?  Am I still tangible?  If I'm saying things, if I even still have that ability (because I don't really know), can anybody actually hear me?  I don't think they can.  This week, more than ever, I feel like I'm slowly becoming immaterial.  A walking ghost.  I spent three days, from before 7a to well after 7p at a clinic, shadowing a nurse.  We ran back and forth through the halls, being griped at and ignored alternatively so much that my feet, then my legs, then my back, then my brain grew numb.  I spent my 8-5 day in class, letting the lectures bounce straight off of me because I was doing paperwork, even though I'm being tested Wednesday.  And my weekend- my precious, long-awaited weekend... I've spent from waking moment until sundown catching up on more paperwork.  I've got only today left to do it, as I've got clinic again starting tomorrow, and I'm only 1/4 of the way through it.  That's not to mention all of our obscene projects, which are due incredibly soon even though this quarter only just started.  Somewhere between all the lines and the medications, I've left myself sitting safely in a corner where the stress and the constant buzz of other peoples' self-importance won't reach me.  I think I'm powerless to remember where that corner is, or how to tell myself that it's okay to come back out.

And for this whole week, I don't feel like anybody has actually interacted with me, even though I've been surrounded by people and bombarded by texts.  I feel intangible.

Like a ghost.

With only two exceptions, nobody has actually spoken to me to talk to me, or that's how it seems, and if I'm misconstruing anybody, to hell with it because I've got to dance around stepping on too many toes during the week to be bothered with it at home.  And even though I really love them to pieces, I'm beginning to wonder if they're only listening because they're ghosts, too. 

With affection,

Without you, they're just stars.

I am exploding with feelings. 

I want to get out of here.  Not necessarily Birmingham, although I've been here for quite a long time and I wouldn't mind getting away.  But I want extremely badly to be out of here, whatever that entails.  I am emphatically lonely.  Not romantically, as I've got a very affectionate Jakey that stops at nothing for me.  But there are days when I feel so utterly insignificant that I could melt away, because sometimes, I don't just want romance.  Nothing can replace friends.  Nothing.  I am stressed and consumed, and exhausted by it. And I'm sad, because bad things happen to good people, and because I hate goodbyes.  And grateful that this weekend happened.  Bubbly, because I've got a really great snuggle-buddy/ serendader, who secretly loves little black kittens.  :3  I'm really happy about where my life is.  Looking at it seriously, it's actually put together really well.  Everything's where it should be, I'm moving forward and getting chunks of independence here and there, and if I compare my life to those of most other people, I think I've got it made.  I can be proud of myself.  Oh.  And, my snowflakes/Christmas tree are still up, and right now, that makes me extra happy.

So that's what goes through my head in an average five minutes, these days.  That, and the 'what-ifs'.  I'm not torturing myself, though.  I'm bemused and altogether content.  We spent the night on Toan's couch in Atlanta.  We'd gone up to visit with Dal, Teshie, and Kao, but since our last stop happened to be the Bone Garden (yum!) replete with alcoholic beverages for all the driving parties in our car-- and we're some serious lightweights-- combined with the fact that we really, really wanted to spend more time with them, we just kind of crashed there.  I'm sure that I did more crashing than Jake, though.  XD They stayed up to play Brutal Legend.  Although Rephe is very allergic to kitties, Ella seemed to favorite him immediately.  My theory is that she recognized that here was a man that was weak to her.  :3  She was pouncing on his face and sniffing at him all the time.. and his face was extremely puffy before long.  Ala, who I'd never really gotten to know before, was extremely sweet.  She went on a wild hunt to find antihistamines for him, picked up after our messy butts, and was really thoughtful.  Obviously, Toan and Chik were also super thoughtful and sweet.  I can't believe their lives are moving so fast, it still seems like we should all be rocking out in undergrad.    And they're already getting ready to leave.
It makes me a lot sadder than I realized.

We spent the day at the aquarium again.  I'm such a nerd, I neeever get over things like museums, planetariums, zoos, etc.  I was subjected to Toan's extreme brilliance with taking photos.  He taught me just a little bit about how to use my camera, which I was extremely grateful for.  I wanted so badly to teach myself how to use it, but I haven't really found myself with the time to just sit down and fiddle with it.  I wish I did, because I hate being so ignorant... the fish were beautiful as always.  My favorite part is always the jellyfish.    But I think I've grown a particular fondness for beluga, also.  Teshie bought me an otter plushie that I've affectionately named Dan. He's so sweet.  ^_^

I really want to start talking to my friends a lot more often... there are a lot of plans to make and secrets to be shared and catching up to do.  ...So my biggest hope for the rest of this year is that I can stay on top of my work well enough to start having stupidly long conversations again.  And I really, really hope that we can keep these visits up, because they've really been a ton of fun.
♥

I've started and restarted this entry several times now... I'm just going to throw eloquence and thoughtfulness out the window.

For weeks, we've been searching for a car for Rephe.  He's been hoping to find a job, start getting his life running... but our budget was only $3,000, and everything we were finding in that price range had some serious damage sustained.  One dealer even tried to get away with selling us a vehicle that "bogged out" when it started.  I know that we weren't offering much, but who would put any kind of money into a promise like that?  I'm glad Anthony was there to keep us in line.  We're so naive... and impressionable.  But he was telling us what to expect and telling them what they needed to know, minus all of the confused glances that Rephe and I answered their inquiries with.  Today, we finally found something.  It's a white 2000 Blazer.  The worst I can say for it is that it's a gas hog.  But it's big, comfortable, and seems reliable enough to get him where he needs to go.  I'm really happy for him.    And especially excited for the rides I'm going to get in it.

As for myself, I had three finals on Wednesday... and just like that, one semester is over.  If the teacher rounds up from 0.8, then I've got myself one of the two A's that I need to be out of the red zone.  If not, well, I'm still in the same boat that I started the spring in.  Being extremely stressed out and wanting to celebrate the end of those particular classes, Rephe and I went and finally watched Harry Potter after the tests.  I liked it. 

I had fun staying up absurdly late and talking to Andrew again.

I'm not in the mood to divulge a lot.  I am in the mood to write (when aren't I?), but it all seems to be fizzling out right now.  What I can say is this: by this time next year, my goal is to have taken a vacation to a big city in the north.  Chicago, probably.  I've wanted to go back since I first saw it... and I think that the trip is going to change things, somehow.  What's more, I feel like if I don't make it, something will be dead.  I have to do it.

/heart.

I'm awake every night, and you're cutting through my head just like a knife.

PS- Rephe, you've been my wings.  I love you for your tendency to get songs stuck in my head for days and getting me to laugh at the helplessness of my life, when it is helpless.  Thank you.

It snowed again yesterday.  Of course, it's all been washed away by the rain now, but it snowed nevertheless.  I was at  my clinical rotation when it started.  I happened to be looking out the window, listening to the sound of hail & sleet chunking down on the cars below, and I noticed a snowflake drift lazily down in front of me.  And just like that, almost immediately, our professor rushed us downstairs to send us home.  I thought it was a bit of an overreaction, until I went outside and saw the street covered in chunks of ice.  On the way home, I saw no less than two car wrecks.  I live less than ten minutes from there.

The most beautiful thing was driving through the sleet, which just made the road look wet and miserable, straight into the snowstorm.  Birmingham slowly transformed from miserable wet city to one that was elegant and serene, blanketed in soft snowiness.  It happened in phases.  I was astounded.  Until I saw the first wreck.  To my credit, even though I've never driven in snow, I figured out what exactly I needed to do to never lose control (God-willing). 

The snowflakes were coming in big clumps, and as I watched them hit the ground, they exploded into a tiny puff-- a quick exhalation, and then there was no trace of them.  What a mesmerizing sight.

That was all yesterday.  Today, Anthony took Rephe and I out to look at cars for him.  We stopped at one dealer that seemed pretty trustworthy, not that I'm an expert judge of car dealers.  We were excited about one car that was in his budget, until they told us they couldn't sell it to us because it had transmission problems, after all.  Anthony was being a really smooth talker for us the whole time... I was impressed and fairly grateful.  Rephe and I were struggling to answer even basic questions.  XD.  So after that disappointment, we went to a place that just shot us out of the sky based on our budget, and decided just to eat (or did we eat before the second place?  It bothers me that I can't remember).  Since Anthony had never been to the cheesecake factory, we took him there.  Shockingly, I had a hamburger there (I usually go for pasta)... and it was great, but Rephe's tacos weren't... so we left a tad bit maoin'.  And then we decided to go to the dollar theatre and watch Due Date.  :3  It's been a loooong time since I've been to the theater.  The movie had some funny parts, but I doubt I'll remember it months from now.  Regardless, we had fun.  I'm glad today happened.

^_^;  Now, back to work.  I love you, Rephe.

This weekend should have been amazing, since it's the first in a while that I haven't had a test looming over my head and several online modules to do.  Things almost never go according to plan, though.  Last night, as a "thank you" to Rephe for helping me out so immensely lately, I took him out to our favorite hibachi place.  Without warning, they'd changed all the rules on us, and we didn't quite get what we thought we were going to get.  I still have to admit, though... that fried rice tasted amazing.  We went to the bookstore afterward and perused the philosphy, sci-fi, and fantasy, before my stomach decided to go completely haywire and Rephe had to rush me home to spend the night maoin' pretty hard.  And then today, Anthony was supposed to take us out to help us find Rephe a car... but of course he called and cancelled due to extra work with his dad.  And so we stayed home all day, mostly just hanging out on our respective computers.  I really feel a bit ripped... I'd like a re-do. I had some grand plans and I certainly didn't want to spend my time off doing what I do every day.  But you know, it happens. 

But Thursday... which should have been a completely stressful day, as I had two shifts to run and came back to find Rephe going out with his roommate... was really amazing.  After I came home exhausted and moody, Rephe came back with beautiful red roses and white & raspberry hot cocoa to share.  He and Anthony sat in the living room, with their dumb computers, showing me videos that they thought were hilarious (my sense of humour is so off-kilter), and I really felt relaxed for a while.

:3  So Rephe, when you're reading this, thank you for being so sweet.  That was easily the best day I've had this week.  And despite all of my maoin', I had fun at hibachi with you, too.  I'm glad that you're always here for me.

Something unexpected happened.  Well, I can't say that I didn't ever see it coming; but I wasn't expecting it yet.  Rephe's caustic ex-girlfriend sent him a long message last night.  I thought that she wouldn't be ready to talk with him for a while, still, and yet there it was.  It left both of us speechless for a while.  I'm afraid that she may (un)intentionally drag him under again, but I can't deny that talking could be really good for both of them, too.  Honestly, I know that that's really not my news to share, but I feel like the impact, at least, happened to me, too.  So there's that.

On Friday night, having fallen behind on my work during the day, I actually rushed through a teaching plan and one-third of the material for my test.  I was surprised that I made it... but with Rephe's help, I did, and that opened the door for me to take Saturday off to ride up to Atlanta and see everyone again.  (Everyone being Dally, Kao, Teshie, Toan, & Trish).  We waited at T&T's place for DalDal to finish testing, and then we nommed at Moe's, realized it was too late to go to the aquarium, and sat in front of the coke factory waiting for Teshie and Kao to arrive until it was almost too late to go in.  :3

I've been to the coke factory a few times already, but I was still really excited to be there.  I'm childish in that way, if childishness is being able to see something so often that you've got it memorized and still think it's magical and hiding something new each time.  Plus, I'd never been there with Rephe.  This may or may not be a secret, but with the people I was with in the past, every. single. time we went on a trip with high hopes and excitement and bubbliness, they would do something that disappointed me, and I would crash down horribly.  I like to build myself up high, enjoy the view.  But as I come crashing down, I tear them down with me, and a fight ensues, and then there's a tense atmosphere until somebody makes me forget that I was ever disappointed in the first place.  So the last time I was there, in the middle of the building someone upset me with an inconsiderate comment and a well-placed insult and I spent a good portion of the trail huffing&puffing along.  The difference with Rephe is that he takes care of me.  Nothing went wrong on the trip at all, there was no crashdown.  I genuinely had fun the whole time.

Plus, he's just as childish as I am, so he gets just as excited.  We appreciate some things in ways I can't share with other people.

But really, the coca-cola bear is creepy.  It's mouth opens in this horrifyingly soulless smile-- the kind that never reaches its eyes.  And it's eyes blink periodically.  x_x We took a picture or so with it, but I think that everyone but me was extremely creeped out the whole time... and the only reason that I wasn't creeped out was because I was examining the pretty patterns on the walls intently.  He was at the beginning of the tour.  The 4-D room just made me kind of uncomfortable, because my glasses weren't working for me and it was jostling me around like a mofo.  We missed some rooms because we were hanging back an awful lot to take pictures everywhere.  And then, at the end, the drink sample room.  I didn't even remotely hit every drink this time; I just kind of wandered about watching people try their drinks, most of the time... and it was interesting.  Some of their faces really surprised me.  The freestyle drink machine was new, and it was amazing.  I made a completely rocking suicide with various flavoured cokes and fantas.  I can't wait to start seeing those hanging out.

And then after that, we went back to the apartment and wound down.  That was hard.  I watched Rephe practically wither as he realized we were saying goodbye.  We're not used to seeing them and having it be over right away.  I've learned to choke my own distress back, but seeing Rephe with his heart on his sleeve like that makes it come flooding back to me.  ...But for some reason, it makes me really happy to see that it distresses him like that, too.  Those guys all mean to much to me.. I can't imagine actually having to say goodbye.  Toan's imminent move is a reality that I've just been ignoring all this time.  I don't really want to think about it.  Ever.

Thanks, all of you.  It was really, really fun.