There are just some days when I've absolutely got to beat myself up.  I guess I was feeling too comfortable with myself.  On days like this, I look at the facebook pages of everybody that I've hurt, everybody that's hurt me.  I look at how happy or upset they are, and think about what in the world they must think of me when I cross their minds, however briefly.  There are very few people who I still feel... angry at, when I remember them, but thinking back at the way that I've treated some people, and the things that I've heard from some of them, I know that they must really think that I'm a  bitch.  Which really hurts me, more than any other word could.  Sometimes, I convince myself that that's just what I am and always will be, because people can't just walk away from the decisions they've made, even though I know that I've been trying to walk away from that me.  And I never wanted anybody to be hurt anyway.

So on days like this, it would go to follow that I also tell myself that I don't have the right to really say that I love Rephe.  I don't deserve to, certainly, but what we get in life is hardly ever about what we deserve.  I do love him as much as I can, whether I should have the ability or right to or not, but there's a lot that holds me back.  Such as mistakes I've made in the past-- once you've done certain things, I feel like you forfeit the right to just hand your heart over to somebody new, and the fact that some part of me is always going to be reserved... despite that, every ounce of romantic love that I've got to give goes to him.  But today, I've just been telling myself that I don't even deserve the chance.

Last night, he took me to The Cheesecake Factory and we had a beautiful dinner.  I had some spicy jambalaya pasta, and it was fantastic-- except I don't like long noodles.  But flavour-wise, it was tops.  And we sat in the low light, talking about absolutely nothing and snuggling in public like young, bratty kids do.  I felt pretty pampered, since I don't really get to go out much anymore, and certainly never to places like that.  Sigh.  So thanks, Rephe, for making me feel like a princess.  It was wonderful.

Sincerely,
One Melancholic Sephadon

Postnote: I can't express how disappointed I am in society.  When the thing that people actually value the most is what's the most gossip-inducing, and when what's supposedly fun is, in reality, pretty mindless and mundane, I can't help but feel like I belong somewhere more aspiring.  I wish I were born in a different era, when romantics or chivalry or enlightenment was actually a common interest.   Or any number of other movements which were actually moving and not stagnant.  And when professions weren't built upon politics and hypocrisy, but instead upon what a person could do and what was needed within society.  Everything today seems like a superfluous of raging idiocy and meniality... but simple things like interpreting the art in museums and turning on your brain cells every once in a great blue moon are so overlooked by the people that I've been observing that I feel like it's all entropy.

I feel a wee bit depressed today.  Cheers.

Happy Martin Luther King day.

I'll be spending the day napping through this mysterious headache, and then studying this stupidly difficult exam material until it's time to pass back out.  I'm mad that they're making me learn such complicated material-- they don't have the time to teach it, and we haven't been given enough time to teach ourselves... and even if I do want to be this kind of nurse, this information will be way beyond my scope of practice.  It's interesting, but definitely not something that I could learn, even if I had a month.  I'm just praying for a pass.

I dreamt last night that I was an elf.  And in my insanely long elven lifetime, I had just one goal.  It didn't involve falling in love.  Or making friends.  Or having a family.  So with my goal-oriented mind, I neglected all of these and went on to accomplish something that I thought was noble and great.  I had a party of people who were out to accomplish the same goal, which involved raising a whelp to save the world or somesuch.  I had a kind of emotionless relationship with one of them.  We'd snuggle, and always had each others backs, ate lunch with each other.  It was convenient and safe.  But eventually, when I noticed one of our other members falling in love with the whelp, something broke inside of me and I realized how very not worth it safe is.  So I started letting myself fall in love for the first time, and trying to win him over little by little, and he's just not seeing it.  It's okay, though, because now I'm awake, and I won't let go.

Awake.  That's when I woke up.  Relentless.  I've been having a lot of dreams about unrequited love or "marriages of convenience", so to speak.  Is it something that's on my mind, or something that I fear?  Or maybe some morbid part of me thinks that it's beautiful.  I could see that, in myself.  I don't talk with myself often enough to know for sure, though. 

Anyway, there's not much else on my mind.  Rephe and I have begun reading more, and it's brought a little piece of lucidity back to me.  I look forward to storytime all day, now.  And then ice cream.  XD I'm such a child.  Right now, we're reading through Pathfinder (Orson Scott Card) together.  I have this insane goal, to get through all of The Wheel of Time afterward.  I imagine that would take decades, at this pace, haha.  But it's something to look forward to.  Maybe we'll jump to something less massive first, and work our way up.  I'm just having difficulty finding good books to pick out.  Mew.

They must have been joking when they said that this semester was easier.  The material is as ambiguous as ever, and they've given us more assignments than ever, with confusing and contradictory directions.  I think that, if I could go back, I'd choose something else.  This will forever be known as the "hermit" portion of my life.  I feel like I've been living in a cave in the wild, and they've put me here.  They... like it's a conspiracy.  They're out to sap my life away, and turn me into some drone.  Sometimes, I think I really believe it.

But when I'm home, and not reminded of their constant pressure on my life, I'm happy.  I've been finding little pockets every day to detach myself and just enjoy what I can.  I'm realizing that I'm not as lost as I thought I was, I'm just hiding, and waiting for this part to be over.  And you know, for better or worse, it will be, soon.

:3

I find it miraculous that hours after I wrote to myself about how drab everything had been lately, a full on ice storm strikes the city. Minutes after I received the e-mail that informed me that my classes and clinicals were cancelled today, I heard the clinking of ice outside.  Eventually, the ice became soft, glittering snow.  I was peering out the back window when I saw one giant, fluffy snowflake fall lazily down.. but the ground looked completely normal.  I thought nothing of it.  But minutes later, Rephe asked me to look outside the front window.  Under the streetlights, my entire apartment complex was glittering and soft.  Snow was falling heavily, being pushed this way and that by inconsistent winds..

I remember once having been asked what the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen was.  My answer, of course, changes often, since as a person, I'm inconsistent, but at the time, my answer had been something like this:  when I was little, and in Michigan, walking outside after a giant snowstorm.  The air was very still, and the sky was clear, and there was snow packed several inches tall all around, untouched.  In the light, it glittered.  Like a wonderland.  Or like a dream.  Just soft, pure, white, glittering beauty...

Of course, I had to make tracks in the snow.  By the time I went back inside, they were filling in again, ready to be made fresh in the morning.  I made a tiny, pathetic snowball, and jumped around for several minutes.  I'd run outside initially in just a dress.  XD I had to go back inside to throw a giant sweater awkwardly on top of it, and trade my sandals out for tennis shoes.  Strangely, even though I've been in the south now for over ten years, I handled the cold just as I did in Michigan- as soon as I see snow, I don't even feel it.  I didn't notice my hands going numb, or the shivering.  I just flailed around, peered up at the falling snow while it assaulted my face, made snow angels....

I hope I find the time to get outside and take proper pictures during the daylight.  This is precisely why I'm determined to live in the north.  I suspect that "snow" is my natural habitat..

I woke to see the snow melting from the rooftops, dripping into icicles, which is enchanting in its own way.  The sidewalks and pavement were shoveled off by somebody, so the complex looks extremely pristine and charming... and the snow, for the most part, looks completely untouched.   I imagine that once the children start waking up, they'll wreak their own chaos into it.  I'd better get out there and reserve my own chaos before then. 

My body's in a lot of pain right now, though, so first, some rest~

I'm sure that I won't be here tomorrow to say this, so Happy New Year, dear friends.

My plans, thus far, are to spend the holiday watching the ball drop on television with my parents, and having Seth be around to play online games with.  That seems to be the tradition.  ^_^;  Spike and Angel are going to try to do fireworks, but the most important thing for me is to be with my parents when Midnight hits.  They say, after all, that how you start the year is a strong indicator of what the year will be like.  I'd like to spend it growing closer to my family.  I have this ever-growing understanding that I won't have forever with them, and I know that I'm going to be so, so lost when they're gone.

Let's see... 2010 was marked by anxiety attacks.  Sometimes I was so shaken up by them that I couldn't get myself to think or do anything to distract from them, and that made me want to just die to escape it.  I'm glad those have diminished significantly since then.  I spent the beginning of the year praying that I would get into this AMNP program, and the rest of the year cursing it and watching myself be changed completely.  I like some of the changes, I feel like a more worthwhile and hardened woman, but I just feel so drained of everything but the very core of what I consider to be myself, at the same time.  I'll be glad when this program is through.  I saw Kalinesti for much longer periods of time than I'm used to, and I know that I still love them more than I love much of anything.  I got my first apartment.  I'm in love with it.  It's tiny and I don't know the first thing about how to take care of it, but I can't stand to be away from it at all.  I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree.  Walking out in that line, I felt more proud of myself than I ever have... I think that I've become more subdued and that my tastes and preferences have become more honed.  I probably come off as reaaaally judgmental, when I think that, in reality, I've been feeling more judged.  I really like how I feel when I'm waking up to a DalDal at the foot of my bed, and I think I can do anything when Jake's supporting me.  He did carry me single-handedly through the first two semesters of nursing school, and that couldn't have been easy.  I can think of several afternoons when I gave up on myself and just sat crying, and he was always ready to rescue me with an amazing dinner and a bubble bath.  That's the kind of hero a girl really needs.  I'm one lucky chica.

I think that, for 2011... my goals are to start an active activity for fun and great justice.  Justice being... not being lazy, in my case.  I can't wait to (God-willing) find a job locally in an area that'll give me stories to tell.  I want to start the next phase of my program-- I'm not asking to get through it with flying colors, I just want to get there.  XD.  I want to travel to a new place-- pick a new city, get a hotel room, and explore the heck out of it... just get out of here and be a stranger for a day.  I want to get to the ocean when it's not seaweed season and spend the night out on a blanket, looking at the stars.  I want to find a new, exciting board game.  And I want to get to know-- really get to know-- some people all over again.  With an open mind and no expectations, the way that you meet a stranger... except, I'll already know that I'm in store for someone amazing. 

Mao. ^_^;

My dream last night was so vivid that I woke up still reeling from it.  I wanted to write it in a story, but I know that I have a long way to go before I can do something like it justice.  One thing really stunned me, though.  When everything had run itself to the ground and I was face to face with unrequited love, he told me  to try again.  Everything that had led to that point of putrefaction and his icy cold demeanor was forgiven, just like that.  But it wasn't a second chance.  It was like moving on.

But time's the enemy, there.  There's no way for us to remove ourselves from time and take us back to where we can choose another fork in the road.  All the mistakes of the past have consequences, no matter how hard they try to forgive.  There's no starting over.  But if we could, maybe I'd find a place where everything doesn't end in entropy, and relationships don't become so familiar and worn that the feelings they were built upon slowly lose themselves. 

We became strangers, in the end, and he had no desire to know me because he already knew my flaws and was so weary of them.  And I was still drawn in by his passion and strength and couldn't help but break under my love for him.  Again. 

I wish I could sleep forever.

Dear diary,
Christmas was amazing.  Today is not.
Right now, we're getting snow that doesn't ever quite reach the ground.  We had a night of restless, interrupted sleep, due to some members of the family packing up and yelling directions as they got ready to leave  at 400 in the morning.  Now I'm grumpy and tired, but I've got to get ready for church and a certain Seth wants to come hang out afterward. My extended family is all getting ready to leave. All I want to do is spend some time alone, writing and playing games, maybe starting my book... or to spend more time watching marathons with the family.  But I don't have much more time here to spend with people.    There's never any rest, is there?  A lot of my moodiness comes from some news that I got last night, and I'll refrain from sharing it and casting judgment, as I do quite enough of both of those.  I want to be supportive, but I'm not sure how to help.  I just don't want to have to wait for the answer for too long.  Time won't wait for anyone.

Yesterday, I woke up before the sun so that I could watch Rephe open presents via webcam.  I wish there were more for him to open, but I was happy just to be able to see his face again.  He opened everything up and we talked for a while before he went back to sleep and I spent several long hours waiting on the couch for the family to trickle in for our Christmas.  I don't like giving people Christmas lists precisely because I enjoy watching what they'll get me... their choices say something about themselves, or what they think of me, or what our story is.  For instance, I know that Bradley doesn't actually know a thing about me, despite being the non-nuclear family that I've spent the most time with, because he got me a purple snuggie for Christmas.  He knows just as well as anybody that the only way to win my heart is red.  Jennifer, who I hadn't met until now, got me a red box of lotions in my favorite scent, and my favorite dear cousin goes for purple.  I also happen to remember having a conversation with him about how snuggies were just glorified bathrobes that you wear backwards and thus useless, as well.  Yet, since he did choose it for me, I'm a fan of my own.  I don't like any other snuggie, though.  My aunt, as usual, went with 50$ in starbucks gift cards, which is impersonal but incredibly useful.  Coffee and college students is a smart mix.  My parents, on the other hand, surprised me with how accurate they've become.  Just a couple of years ago, they were almost embarrassing with how far off their gifts were... so I started giving them lists.  Now, even though I sent the list, they selected just a couple things (Pathfinder, Kirby's Epic Yarn), and picked out the rest themselves.  Things such as Mario games (:P) and the exact flavors of lipgloss that I would have chosen.  And of course, hot cocoa.  I think that says a lot about how far we've come communication-wise in our relationship since I've moved out, and that's something that I'm really grateful for. 

After presents, we had a feast.  Looking at it, I thought it was enough food to feed a small village, but by the end of the meal, much of it was gone.  We had ham and turkey, mom's awesome stuffing, her green bean casserole, etc.  And we were all trying to crowd around the table-- 8 people in one room is awfully crowded.

But, it was fun.

It's too bad that it's already over.  I can't wait for next Christmas. ;_;
(Happy early Birthday, Dally, & Happy New Year!).

This house is almost intolerably loud right now; Merry Christmas Eve.
It doesn't feel like Christmas is happening tomorrow.  It's not cold, and none of these houses have Christmas lights up.  I haven't taken a walk through any Christmas lanes or sipped on hot cocoa while staring in awe at somebody's flashy lights display.  None of that.  But the tree is really cheery, and now the floor is spilling over with presents.

And people are calling for us to go and watch television together... a show called "Leverage".  It's a good show, I've had a lot of laughs.  But this part of the family was always the type that I could laugh with.  I've met Martin's wife for the first time.  We're both really quiet, but I like her.  She spends her time reading, and, evidently, likes to play games.  I don't feel any sort of girly flippancy or competitiveness or any ugly thing that girls tend to do from her, and that's something I can appreciate.  Good job, Martin.  She's really pretty.

The internet, as always, is something of a contention.  Someone, who I leave nameless, is always stealing the majority of it.  But it's time for cheer.  We've had some amazing desserts: cookies from my aunt (she makes the best cookies in the world, honest), cobbler from my mother, beignets and the whole show.  We're being spoiled.

But I miss home, and Rephe.  Someone to snuggle with and conspire with.  Right now I don't miss the quiet rooms and being alone, but I miss the noisiness of being with Dal and JJ and Kao all at once.  Why does the end of the year always come crashing down with the greatest velocity? 

For now, that's all I've got time to say, it's time to go lend myself to family time and growing addicted to this new television show. 

Merry Christmas.

Well, the week with Dal is over now, and I'm feeling a bit shell-shocked.  I get the impression that the beginning and end were quite amazing, but the middle of it all ran together.  I was feeling just a little bit depressed periodically from the middle to the end.  I can't place my finger on why, but I'm sure it had something to do with being weary of goodbyes.  The withdrawal is a self-destructive behaviour, since in the end it meant that I was being mopey and silent throughout much of the week, burying myself in Dal's presents and being generally distant.  I think, though, that JJ won in the isolation contest... he spent much of the week taking long walks and being generally quiet.  I'm not mad, though.  When he does talk, he makes up for it... plus, he offered to clean all of our dishes (and dishes for five people all day long is nothing to scoff at) two nights in a row, and bought Rephe Dr. Pepper.  He also makes the place muuuuuuuch more lively, Jake and I were thinking that he'd be pretty cool to live with.

I didn't start really loosening up until our last dinner at Macaroni Grill, right before they left.  I doodled on a napkin and thefted it, and then I started chomping on Dally.  I should have done that sooner, but I was feeling so tremulous all week... the best that I can say for it is that it made me extremely happy to see them all in my living room playing games like Hallos together, and waking up to mao around on the computer with them sleeping near the foot of my bed.  Life kind of melted together for most of the week, though, and looking back, I wish that I'd taken them on long road trips every day just to make it unforgettable for them, the way that seeing them always does for me.  On the other hand, we kind of slept through a lot of the daylight every day, XD.  The apartment seemed much happier while they were here, and I took it for granted.

Christmas was the best.  We went to the mall to meander for a bit, and then opened our presents.  I was extremely spoiled, much more than I expected.  I won't make a list, but a few of my favorites included Dal's DS games, the hungry neko-chan piggy bank, a ring with black diamonds on it, and of course Teshie's famous box o' goodies.  Among other things.  x_x  There was just so much to be happy about.  Plus, I think Jakey felt entirely too comfortable and included, he started taking Dal's side against me by the end of the trip.  XD.  I'm really lucky to have friends that are so willing to take care of me, and my stuff, even when I'm not pulling my own weight..

I've been thinking about burning some candles to make the place look more lively, it just seems so quiet since they've left.

...I had a lot of fun making the giant Korean buffet with the mandu and the kimbop and bulgogi and tteokbokki and cucumber kimchi.  :3  I told my mom about it and I was really excited.  ^_^;; But I can't eat out for a really long time now, I've had my limit for a loooong time, thanks to sending the guys out for all those expeditions.

There's not much else to say.  I wish that I'd started chomping on Dally a lot sooner, I was much happier with them here than I showed.  I was crying when they left, and I'm still maoin' a bit.  I hope we can do it again. .  Maybe next time I'll be able to pull my own and spoil them back.  I love you guys infinitely,

She said, "show me the world that's inside your head".

I'm sitting in the living room as Rephe plays a game and maos a bit.  The Christmas tree is lit up and covered with ornaments that were graciously donated by my parents.  It's a tiny tree, but it looks like it's trying really hard to do the job.  It's charming.  And the lights make it feel just like Christmas.  Honestly, I didn't realize that it was already so close.  It's like the year crawls by, waiting for it to come, and then Thanksgiving finally arrives and you realize there's barely any time left to gather up presents and find a place to have a Christmas lights date.  ^^;

Thanksgiving was awesome.  My mother made the most amazing stuffing (seriously, everybody that tries it says so), and cajun spicy turkey.  And then we enjoyed Seth's company (and played Super Mario) until around nine, when we left to start our Black Friday rush.  I was going for something in particular, and the store opened at ten.  ...By the time we got there, we had to stand at the end of the parking lot, past about 4 giant building complexes, in line.  And then, once inside the store, I had to stand in a line that weaved through every aisle in one side and around the back of the store to get to what I wanted.  Luckily, old people are dumb and don't really realize what an awesome deal was going on, so I got exactly what I wanted.  (For someone else, of course.  I'm not about to buy myself anything this close to Christmas. )

And then Wal*Mart.... we went immediately to Wal*Mart to scope out a new TV for my Christmas Present.  The sale didn't open until 5, but at 11:30, people were already standing in line, so we did, too.  We were there until two, when they handed out 14 tickets... they only had 14 televisions.  Luckily, having gotten there at 11:30, we were among the very last to get a ticket.  I know that my major Christmas present is going to be a 42" TV.  I'm so excited to have one bigger than a computer screen! XDXD.  But, I don't get to bring it home until after Christmas.  Mao.  But!  While we were there, the very last TV had been sniped by somebody who realized that they weren't going to get one.  The lady who would have been last, who had wild white hair and was thin and pale, was infuriated at the people for stealing it... so she took off to find that TV.  She found it and argued with the guy, who kept calling her a ghost lady and trying to sneak off with it... eventually she called the security on him and they got it back for her.  She was pretty much a television hero. :3 

After all of that, plus about three other stores, we went home to get a two hour nap, then got up to rush out to gulfport to check out stores there.  And then, as soon as I got home with my minimal haul, Seth took me out to look at even more stores, and we played Mario again until sleepytime at about 10:00. 

Not to call anybody out or be disdainful at all, but Seth did pull some funny stuff on me during the weekend that I've got some thoughts about.  It started with a text: "someone said something funny about you last time you were here.." I asked what.  "They asked if you and I were dating."  As if that wasn't a painfully obvious feeler.. I just said "oh" and waited to see where it would go.  He started saying that even though he doesn't consider being taken "the end", because you're not married yet, he wouldn't barge in on a relationship because he's not like that, even though he's thought of it, and then started talking about how easily he seems to make me happy and how he could definitely handle my moodiness, when I said that I wasn't that easy to please.  That upset me.  How much does he really think he knows about me?  Does he know what makes me happy?  Probably not.  Does he know what life means to me?  Definitely not.  Does he even know what my favorite songs, places, movies are?  No.  He can't even tell when I'm really happy.  And he doesn't try to know me, he doesn't even try to be polite, sometimes.    If there's such a huge difference in personality that he doesn't even understand that speculating about the stars is my idea of a meaningful conversation and we can't even agree about which parts about life and love are the truly important ones, he can't possibly pretend to know or understand me.  I think it's absurd that people still refuse to understand that you cannot love a person unless you have some understanding of them-- sure, an understanding can be made with just one glance, but that's not the case here.  You can't love somebody that your soul doesn't recognize.  It's all of the tiny things that build a person, to me, and I can't love somebody without piecing those together, nor can I accept that a person's feelings for me are real unless they've seen some of those pieces of me.
/rant, I guess.  It just makes me so angry, what people try to pass off as love, these days. 

The cold weather coming in was amazing.  The water finally froze.  :3  And when I got back and hugged Rephe again, I could really feel his warmth. 

In response to you: Of course you meant more to me than that.  I loved you.  Somehow, I felt like there was some kind of fate or destiny in play, everything just seemed too coincidental and right to go any other way.  And then one small thing happened, tipped the scale, and it did change the trajectory.  I know what you mean, sir.  I had a turning point, too.  There was me, with my idea of love being such that if I had a good time with somebody and saw them often, then I knew them and we were in love.  And then there was him, [that guy] who made me smile once when I was feeling lonely by bringing me his favorite cup of cocoa.  He was unknowingly passionate with every breath he took, & it changed me.  And then he broke my heart irrevocably, and I was happy for it, because that was the moment that I realized what love really meant, that my feelings weren't going to change for anything, and that I'd always fight for him to be happy, whether it killed me or not.  He taught me to look at the subtleties of a person, whether they liked poetry and what their happy was, & why.  And he taught me passion, and wonder, and despair.  And the difference between love and in love, and I'll never, ever see things the way I used to because of him.  I'm not trying to compare our situations (I'd just gone off on a tangent.  I get lost when it comes to this.).  In the end, I meant to thank you for letting me be for you the thing that changed everything for me.  Simply that.  I'd go back in a heartbeat, to both times.  I'm not sure if you would, but just to see it again, I would.  I'm sorry that I got so far off topic.  And sorry that I didn't answer.  I was out with Seth, the first couple times, and then driving (I'd just almost gotten myself into a wreck, so was in no condition to dig for the phone).  Plus, I'm feeling triply phone-shy.  Mew..

So then, two weeks.  Two hellish weeks until absolute happy.  ^__^

Dear diary,
I'm glad that I keep a journal.  I went back through my Spain one and relived with great acuity every amazing building, every letdown of a day, the rise and fall of a girlcrush, the end of a soul-crushing relationship..  I read how every talk with Andrew made me feel inspired and full of life, and how I met Reflectionist.  I don't think it would hurt him too much if I mentioned that my very first entry about him described how I wondered what it would be like to love somebody that I thought was unattractive.  My opinion about him is completely changed now, of course.  Now, I know that his eyes are the most vivid shade of blue that I've ever known, at times, and that his smile, especially the one that shows his fangs, is charming and warms me, and he's got the cutest hair and he's really, really cute.  I read out loud how, over time, as he was telling me about his downfalls and his regrets, and about his happiest times and the simple things that he enjoyed, I fell in love with him rapidly and recklessly.  And how I really fought against it, because it would complicate things and I just didn't want that then.  I just wanted to be able to love people simply.  At the time, I was really sick of people wanting more from me, when I just wanted to be able to enjoy my feelings, and enjoy them without any expectations.  But I couldn't really help myself; Reflectionist really affected me.  And while I was reading, I fell in love with him again, for his enduring patience and the way that his words speak to me, and for the way that his happiest things are the simplest, and how all he wants to do is make phat beats and mao all the time. :
But reliving the past is also my downfall, because I also relived the miserable days, when I was still struggling with the reconciliation of the break up, when I was hurting and Jake, who I was just beginning to try to trust, wasn't there for me at all, when Andrew, who I was beginning to be extremely close to, unintentionally said something that completely shocked and hurt me.  And of course, rereading the things that I'm missing now: Reflectionist telling me that my feelings meant more than the world to him, that he'd give up the entire world to be mine, panicking when I didn't return a text for a few hours and contacting Toan to try to figure out what was wrong... when I didn't respond for fifteen minutes, he became enraged with worry and ragequit'd.  I miss that innocent passion.  I don't even know what got in the way of that.  I'd hate to think that it's a more "matured" love, because what could be more mature than a passion that outshines everything else?

I also read through all of the facebook conversations he had before we ever spoke, just to try to get to know him better.  He didn't mind.  I don't know what I learned.  I was shocked at a Reflectionist that seemed so brash and crude, who seemed to want to pursue the extremes of people.  That was when I decided to lay myself out and open up the journal, with all of it's shallow and flippant decisions, the impulsive decisions, and the way that I'd judged him from the very beginning.  I wanted to relive some dark part of me, too.  And we talked for a while.  It was a beginning.  I hope there's more to come.

On Sunday, I had the day off.  He & I decided to go to the mall to finish up some lists and spend the day without obligations.  I had another agenda, he'd been really quiet and depressed lately.  His house in Missouri has recently burned down entirely, and I'm pretty sure that he just wants to see his family right now.  I'm horrible at conversations and every situation in general, so all I could think to do was try to distract him.  It wasn't working.  I'd offered him drinks and snacks with no response, so eventually I just asked what was on his mind.  I said that I thought that he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't figure it out.  He told me that he simply hated himself that day.  And I, with my dumb self, couldn't think to do anything but take his arm and point out cool things in various stores until he, exhausted, asked to leave.  I couldn't help it: I'd failed on my objective to finish my list and the one to cheer him up.  My face fell, and I stopped moving.  He stopped, looked at me seriously, and suggested that I pick another store to look around in.  And we did.  He made some serious effort to cheer up during the rest of the day.  I shamelessly had a lot of fun and enjoyed being on his arm, watching his expressions change and being somewhat moody with him.
But it made me sad to know that even when I do have time to, I can't save him.

I love you, Rephe.

I won't be writing again beforehand, so Happy Thanksgiving, guys!