I guess it means something when a project that I've put off for so long suddenly goes missing the night I decide to revisit it.  Perhaps it's been exiled since the day that I began it.  I wouldn't put it past myself to forget whatever transgression it made that night.  In any case, it was going to be a cop out project anyway, focusing on past-Sephys instead of looking at the reality of things.  Today, I'm on the mindset that the reality of things is the here and now, although I treasure my past and put all of my hope and wonder into the future, still.  But the "reality" of things is bleak.  I've began bleeding again, after just a few days reprieve.  My nose started bleeding again, too... and for those reasons or another, I'm so fatigued that sleeping for nearly two days straight hasn't given me energy, nor has sleeping properly for a night, nor eating completely healthy foods.  But I just can't see myself finding time to see a doctor.  I'd rather waste away giving it all I've got, anyway.  For some reason, I feel like seeing a doctor would be surrendering.

Oh, yeah, and I'm out of toothpaste, but I've rationed all of my money for presents so tightly that I've got none left for things like that.  Haha...;;

Jake got a new roommate this week.  We were there to meet him on the day he got in.  He's an army head that's totally into music and plays video games with us.  He's got a really sultry voice and seems like he's a bit reserved, but I think that that's just a front.  One of his first questions was whether we liked to drink.  We had fun rockin' out some games that night, and ever since then, I've been doing this crazy 4 hours of sleep, 2 hours of work during the nights to catch up with paperwork, and attending clinicals and classes during the day.  I can't believe this semester is almost over.  It didn't even hit me that this was a regular fall semester, with normal classes happening elsewhere on the campus, until I walked into the A&H building on the way to my car for a bathroom break.  I realized that I'd gotten there between classes that lasted for 50 minutes and had a regular schedule.  It felt strange.  I don't even feel like I'm in school anymore, it's just a program to me now.  That must be why I don't enjoy it the way that I enjoyed undergrad.

I don't really know how to interpret anything else that's going on in my head.  Everything's all hiding behind a glaze of absolute fatigue right now.  No matter how hard I try, I can't remember my dreams when I wake up, and I cannot for the life of me stay awake for more than a couple of hours while I'm at home. 

I'll probably be writing from Louisiana next. Thanksgiving is almost here! :]

I spent some time looking at Reflectionist's old livejournal today.  Something about the eloquence and familiarity, and the evident feeling of those words, got me thinking.  I jotted down the skeletal thoughts in a notebook and then went on with classes, but the ideas kept pervading, so before I get back to my frustratingly failing study routine, I want to take this idea and really look at it.  I've always considered myself to be a Romantic, an emotional thinker rather than a logic driven one, and I've always been inspired by the Sturm und Drang movement, which valued the freedom of the extreme emotions rather than the constraining rationalism.  So, then, it's odd to me that I've come to this resounding feeling.

Is it okay if I give up on love?  I am in no way saying that I do not believe in love, nor do I believe, for a second, that Rephe does not love me.  I also love him immensely, and I couldn't imagine wanting to abandon my life with him at this point.  He's the backbone in the meaning that I've assigned nearly everything, at this point.  But. I've got to admit that the love that I've always believed in and fought to discover doesn't seem to be a very possible type of love.  I've always believed in passionate love, a deep, driving feeling that forces things to change and remains tumultuous and moving through time.  I've always thought that strong emotions and defying logic should always be a part of it, that fighting for expression and trying to win over the person that you love never really ends.  I always wanted something that would remain fresh, and never get comfortable and routine.  But I'm finding that simply being human seems to knock that possibility out to start with.  When we're exposed to anything for so long, we get comfortable with it, and then it's only the outlying bits of it that seem fresh and new.  And there's also the idea that everything, eventually, moves toward a state of putrefaction.  Nothing can really stay in such a tense, unpredictable pattern forever.. it just takes too much energy and heartbreak.

But as for myself, I like the storms and the effort and the extremes.  I love to feel the uncertainty and the heart racing and the crying just to have the satisfaction of feeling, for a fleeting moment, the effect of somebody telling me that they love me.  I feel like if something's going to end, it must end when it's still climbing, before you reach the top and start coasting, otherwise, you'll remember the coasting and not the exhilaration of the effect of the feeling that you tried so hard to capture.  Perhaps it isn't that way for everybody, but for me, it's not enough to be comfortable.  I want the feeling of falling in love to last forever, not the feeling of loving somebody that I'm comfortable with.  I want to be driven to know them, and fight to show them who I am, because that is when I'm giving it everything I've got.  And besides, that's usually before they've had the chance to see all of my flaws and realize how mundane I can really be.  How insecure and ciritical, overanalyzing, judgmental, mean.. that's when they still see only the parts of me that twist things in a strange way, and breathe in the tiny beautiful things around me. And that's before they get used to the good times, and start taking it for granted.  I hate the part of love that takes things for granted, and gets stale.

But it's not that way.  Love leaves us satisfied, and even though it keeps my heart racing, even though I still care about him with all of my heart, it's not extreme and terrifying anymore, and somehow, some part of me just misses that. 

Anyway, we skipped some of that.  We never had that huge uncertainty and distance, he never wrote about me with that intense longing and passion, and I've realized that we can't go back there now.  He knows too much. And I regret that; I want to be a person that inspires passion and beauty and life in somebody forever, the way that love did to me.  I just can't accept this passive love.  I want to be ignited forever.

Now I'm spinning myself in circles, because, as always, I don't have a conclusion to these things, just the questions. I feel like there's a lot left to be explained: I'm happy with everything about my life except for school, and I love Rephe.  But everything else is in the air right now.

Sometimes my life confuses and infuriates me.

When I give up everything, from books to games to friends to study because I'm hanging on by a thread and I really can't afford to make a C, I make a C anyway.  So when I get frustrated and tired of it all and throw my conscience to the curb and play video games instead of study, I make an A.  I don't know what that's telling me.  Maybe my skimming through the notes instead of burying myself in them led me to read only the really important things.  Maybe, since this was my first peds test, it was telling me that I'd be really good at pediatrics.  Maybe it was a fluke.  Maybe I needed to relax.  But it seems extremely unjust that when I'm throwing every part of me into succeeding, I can't do anything but fail, and when I let go of all of that passion, suddenly I'm at the top of the class. 

The movie industry called me out this week.  Ask IT, our technology center, called me in and tore my computer apart, looking for a movie that they tagged me for torrenting.  I don't torrent.  It wasn't my computer; at the end, they apologized profusely for putting me through all of that.  While I was there, I learned a lot about the way that they tag and how they get you.  They've got some sneaky tactics-- the way that they target hits the machine, so that it's hard to get the wrong person.  Maybe it's common knowledge, but I had no idea.  Anyway, the first offense here (which doesn't apply to me, as it wasn't my computer) is just a warning.  After that, it's a trial.  People have had to pay millions to these people for torrenting.  And some of their technology is scary.   So, if you do it, please be careful.   Or, you know, just don't do it. 

November is racing by.  It's actually cold enough to wear a coat now, sometimes.  I've been looking for Christmassy places to visit, and wrapping up the year.  I decided to lay out a list of things that I was hoping to accomplish by the end of the year.  It surprises me to realize that, when I made a list at the beginning of the year of things to accomplish, it looked nothing like this one.  Off of that list, I managed to complete a couple things: I have a plan for the future and I -was- accepted into AMNP, although I couldn't have imagined how much frustration it would be giving me.  I'm in my own place and happily going on dates with Rephe here and there.  Within the next couple of months, I really want to stop bleeding (because I haven't yet, but I haven't had time to be seen, either), start a tradition (maybe having pizza every Friday, like we did when I was little), look at Christmas lights, and see a place I haven't seen before.  None of them seem hard, but I think that every one of those would make me really happy.

I'm going to be honest, all that's on my mind right now is playing video games. X3.  I'm waiting for Rephe to wake up so that we can get some pizza, finish up this Blazersgame, and then celebrate our first long weekend of the semester.  So then, with love;
 
 [Restart] or [Continue?]

Yesterday, from the time we had dinner and watched Scott Pilgrim for the first time (it was pretty good) until about two in the morning, Rephe and I were cutting out paper snowflakes to hang from the ceiling, and making thin strips of paper to string together in a paper-link chain to hang on the walls.  We've been investigating other Christmas decorations to make with paper to be festive and make this place look like a party.  It was so much fun that I had difficulty getting to sleep. 

We've been hanging out with his roommate, Anthony, a little bit this past week.  Mostly it's just been a date to Moe's and a lot of them playing Anthony's xbox while I studied.  Watching them helped me to reach a decision or two... and I have to admit, it's been pretty fun.  I guess Anthony has a couple cool points.  Watching Rephe laugh and relax like that really made me happy. 

Something else that made me pretty happy was a delicious pumpkin pie.  Jake was supposed to be making it himself, but when he opened the can of pumpkin, he just dumped it straight into the pie crust!  XD I had to go and scoop it out, hurriedly mix in all of the cinnamon, sugar, and other ingredients, and shove it into the oven myself.  It was the first time I made a pumpkin pie, and I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself.  It turned out to be extremely delicious.

To quickly get these things off of my mind: these tests aren't a good way to measure what I've learned.  They're not really application, they're brain-rape.  Stop dancing around it, teachers, you're just reveling in our pain, aren't you?  / My mother had a dream that I stayed with Rephe, we got engaged, and she cried her eyes out until I decided to break it off, and then everything was fine again.  Except Rephe and his mother were depressed, and I was depressed.  So really, she was fine.  I think that she should probably just accept my feelings, as she doesn't have to wake up face-to-face with them every day, and I'd like to be proud of the decisions that I make.  I don't want to live my life regretting the could-have-beens, even if it means that I regret the "was".  I've gone off on a tangent.  There's nothing about here and now that I regret.

I wonder what the root of every depression is, or what characteristics depression shares?  Sometimes, I see him being so lifeless that I swear I'd kill to cure him.  I just wish I knew what to do.

Happy November.  I can't wait until December.

Honestly.  If I start a sentence out with 'honestly', are you more inclined to believe me?  'Honestly', I hope you burn in the fire of a thousand suns.  'Honestly', I'm magical.  'Honestly', I'm a mess.  'Honestly', I can't do this alone.  Can you just trust me?  I only lie to save my skin.  Honestly, I hate that about myself.  If you ask me, right now, to honestly tell you, I'll tell you the truth.  Because I don't want to be made into a liar. Right now, I want to think that the world is beautiful, and that there's something great just underneath the surface. But Yester-Sephy wasn't like that.  Yesterday, I was a raging ball of resentment and masks, just trying to make it to the next sleep. 

I was listening to the radio with Rephe earlier in the car.  Some guy trying to express his political activism by cutting down the other party.  It's always the same shit.  It's always so sickening. If you care about something, isn't it better to do something?  Not... play word games.  Just be honest, goddamnit.  Wouldn't it be more prudent to say "go get tested!" or "X believes in lowering taxes, and he supports cheaper education, he's done these things to help the community, vote X!" instead of "Y was seen at this place, in his campaign he said this shit, what an incompetent fucker" or something completely unrelated?  I'm so tired of this shit.  I love politics.  I especially love the actual political part of it, the debates and the laws and the alliances.  I understand that all of it goes hand-in-hand, but if all you can do is smear some politician by cracking on insignificant shit that has nothing to do with their actions for their people, go bury yourself.  Really. It's not even worth my time to bury you myself.  You don't know politics and really don't deserve to open your mouth if you don't even have a real understanding of the politics behind the people.  So go die.

Yesterday morning greeted me with grey swirling skies and steady rain.  It was beautiful weather for a costume party.  I say this both in earnest and a bit sardonically, since it eliminated our hopes of eating outside.  I was dressed in a layered red "goddess" themed dress that Josh had bought me last year, which was lucky, as I had neither the time nor the money to buy myself a costume, but I'm glad that I was able to participate.  The entire class was dressed up for the day-- we had various ladybugs and butterflies, Uncle Sam, Gumbi (which was hilarious, in context), a murse in a dress, a pregnant nun, an alcohol prep pad... and, you know, about 25 other things.  We all looked really goofy.  As a whole, we were more talkative and cheerful than usual... We'd needed something to celebrate.  The staff provided this huge nacho bar for us, so we got to top our own heaping plates of nachos, and they'd made us cakes and cookies and halloween candies.. it all had the air of a high school holiday.  But it was a looong day.  I got there an hour early, but even so, we stayed from 8:00 until after 5:00, and it was straight lecture with a small break for lunch.  The celebration was probably the only reason that I didn't pass out from boredom. ...That, and rushing home to play a game with Rephe. My living room looks like a giant mess now, with a de-constructed Christmas tree hanging out and a small pile of presents, already wrapped and waiting for their season.  We've been spending time at the mall and collecting our presents early, while we still have money to spend on them.  Of course, those days are the most fun, for me.  Even if I don't find anything, playing with toys and looking at ornaments is enough to cheer me up by several arbitrary measurements.

..Despite all of the happy times I've been having, Rephe's been starting to seem down lately.  He's less likely to mao at me randomly and he's been getting more and more quiet.  He worries me.

We're going to have a pumpkin-themed feast for Halloween.

There's nothing like looking for Christmas presents to make you realize how poor you really are.  If I sit back and consider what I'd really and honestly like to get somebody and then go to find it, I discover that it's usually more than my entire budget.  I feel like I've always been making excuses to people about why I have to give them lame presents, because I'm poor and not creative enough to invent something sweeter or cooler, and it'll always be that way.  Especially if school doesn't stop eating me alive.

Two pretty blunt things to say here:
1. If this doesn't work out, fuck it, I'm going to apply to every crazy program I can think of, spanning from law school to geology to animal biology, and I'll settle for whatever makes me the happiest and gives me the freedom to live however I best feel alive, instead of confining Rephe and myself to stress and long, quiet nights accentuated by cursing violently at assignments and demanding that he pick up my slack because my mind is so worn out that simple words don't make sense to me anymore.
2. I've been on my period for over two weeks.  I have periods that skip around, I've gone seven months without one and I was okay with that, because it's what my mother did, too.  But this is too much.  I'll have slow days and clotty days and rough days, all strewn in randomly.  It's time to get my hormone levels checked.  I'm not even afraid, just agitated because I don't have any time.

The school week was another slap in the face.  Another absolute failure punctuating my wreckage of a life, but I've gotten so used to it by now that I automatically shut myself on and plowed on, doing the small assignments first and taking every spare second to a mall to buy presents, because walking around and looking at Christmas ornaments with a pretty boy on my arm was the closest thing I could find to happiness.  It worked; I made it through the week without crying once, although I did question my future on a daily basis, and decided that it's useless to stress.  It doesn't stop me from stressing, of course.

I'm feeling a little bit down, but this program's done nothing but change me into a generally stressed-out, angry, mopey person and there's nothing I can do about it until the responsibility wanes enough for me to take back over.  I'm holding out in 4/5 classes, and I'll just have to make the last one up next semester.  Honestly, if I had a choice, I never knew it.  Just, if you pray, please do for me.  It's not just "a future", to me, and I'm not throwing it away or not applying myself... it's what I want, and I really love it, and I'm trying with everything I've got.

I even stopped playing Harvest Moon and Pokemon to work better.  XD.

Anyway, I've got a small Christmas tree now.  I think that instead of spending money on a costume, I'm going to take Rephe on Sunday and look for some Ornaments and lights to string our tree up with.  I'm already looking at recipes and meals to make for the visit, too, since it's pretty much the best thing that I've got to look forward to, right now.  I can't wait to see Dal again.

Thank you for everything, beautiful blue-eyed boy.  Even though we're not really living the way we want, you're still keeping me alive.  I can't imagine how difficult I must be right now.  I hope I can make it up to you one day.

Sincerely,

I had an unbelievably beautiful weekend.  I didn't even realize until the end how perfect the weather was.  I never once felt cold or too hot, even though we were out really early hitting some trails and walking really hardcore through the hottest part of the day.  The weather was just amazing. We saw about five different waterfalls.  It was unintentional, at first.  We went to Tennessee to scope out some areas that we'd missed the last time we were there, such as Ruby Falls and Rock City-- the first of which was in a cave.  They had colored lights lighting the path, catching on the pools of water and the stalactites and whatnot, so it was all mystifyingly beautiful.  I've got pictures of the waterfall up on Facebook-- it was awesome.  They'd turned it into a light show, which is good in some ways, bad in many others... but they let us walk underneath and look up while the illuminated drops came at us.  That was breathtaking.

And then we visited a mountain that was fairy tale-ified, with enchanting music playing along the paths, bridges made of stone and rope bridges, waterfalls with legends posted around for us to read, and tons of cute scenes all lit up along the way.  The Snow white one was done particularly well, and I liked the rainbow tunnel.  My one complaint was that there were some areas where the path was so thin that I couldn't turn around, and I began to freak out enough that the guy in front of me had to reassure me that we were almost through.  ^_^;

We then went to see some waterfalls in northern Alabama, watched some people go diving off of mountains into streams, stood on precarious cliffs, had some picnics... my favorite part was getting out of the car halfway up the mountain in a forest... a lot of other people were stopped to play on the gigantic rocks (they were bigger than houses).  There was this one emo kid, in particular, who had climbed on top of the biggest one and was helping his siblings up.  He was having such a good time...  It made me miss being athletic enough to climb up that far without seriously injuring myself.  I might have tried anyway, if my parents weren't there.

All in all, I got a ton of studying done, too, between the car rides and the long baths after the hikes... and of course, my parents bought enough drinks and food and appliances to make it seem like Christmas; I didn't fall behind at all, but I feel entirely relaxed and happy.  I'm sure the feeling will melt away tomorrow in the face of the Pharm test.  I hate pharmacology class, even though it's my favorite subject material... but that's an issue for another time.  I'm too happy to gripe.  :3.

I got a small Christmas tree-- my very own!  I was looking for one so that I could have my own Christmas, and then while we were out, we happened to stop at an estate sale... and there it was, six dollars and perfectly good.  Now I'm on the hunt for cute decorations.  ^_^  It's been the best weekend!

I miss everyone, though.  I can't wait to see a Dally again, and to have another date with Rephe.  I love you guys.

On Thursday, I picked Rephe up from his awesome trip to Florida and we went to look at potential Christmas presents.  I'd been thinking about buying him his own laptop, so that he would have an official one instead of borrowing mine, but I wasn't going to buy one for him until November, if at all.  But things just don't like to go according to plan.  We found a giant package deal for a great price and ended up opening up an account under my name to get it for him.  I, being a complete and total airhead, wrote the wrong social security number down.    Some stranger was randomly charged.  I managed to convince the guy to call and change it, but he was altogether way too amused by my mistake..

Yesterday, I started my OB rotation.  I had my first Spanish-only patient and it went wonderfully.  I'm more confident in myself now.  Today, I worked my first evening shift.  It was a lot more boring, since I was in triage.  Nobody was coming in, so we all spent the day looking at diamond rings.  And by "we", I mean the nurses.  I spent the day glancing at various clocks, wishing that maybe one would go faster than the others and the day would miraculously end.  Eventually, it did. 

But then I saw a text from Rephe.  He'd been vomiting the other day, so I was already moderately concerned about him. Today, he was all the way down in Prattville having a performance with the band.  He took a fall from a truck, knocked his ribs up badly, and blacked out.  He immediately started bruising, one of the girls gave him a medication that he's not supposed to take, and his kidney, which is always of concern, became extremely tender.  I ran home to grab his wallet and rushed him to the E.R.  We've been sitting in his room for a couple of hours, waiting for him to have an x-ray done... and now we're waiting for the results.  It's been a while since I've been in here, so I'm really just grateful that we've evaded the E.R. for so long... but right now, I'm just tired.  I hope that whatever happened, it's simple.  This room is cold, and I'd like to get him warmed up and cozy. ._.

So that's where I'm at.  I had occasion to realize, again, that people inevitably change, and that I change... and that those changes sometimes divert from my own.  People that once were the basis of my dreams become completely different while my dreams stay the same, and it's disorienting.  It makes me realize that I need to cling much tighter to the ones that I do want to be a part of it all, because it's much easier to lose them than I realized.  People who used to believe in things become so matter of fact, and cold.  ._.  I just want to keep dancing around my words and looking at the stars, drinking hot cocoa and playing games in my spare time.  None of that growing up and growing into action, for me.  Just the dreaming, and the romantics, and the storming. 

I'd be happy to sit here, at this bedside, just the way that I am, until I'm old and gray.  He, and Dal, are the only ones that I need.

Jakey is leaving for freaking Universal Studios today, with the band.  That makes me the only person I actually know that hasn't been, again.  I'm so envious that I could vomit, but instead I'm wishing him luck and pining.  I miss having dinner and someone to yell at when this program makes me sick.  x_x.  Already, even though I just left him.  But I hope he has fun.  He deserves it.  Heart, heart.

The world seems like a much colder place lately.  The people around me don't laugh, or make jokes, or act comfortable.  It's all averted gazes and brief responses, and sometimes I wonder if it's me, but I don't think it is.  I just wish I could see a bit of the world that I lived in when I was a freshman, again.  If I went to the bowling alley tonight, would people still be there laughing and cutting jokes?  Or would it be quick glances and averted gazes, like everybody in 1006?  We went outside for lunch today, and it was the first time I'd seen them smile in a really long time.  They thanked me for suggesting it, but in my head I wondered why.  Most of the lunch was spent in silence.  This aspect of my life, for lack of a better word, sucks.  It drives me crazy.  If I could just have one night out in a parking lot, talking loudly and laughing and chasing some idiot around for saying something idiotic, I'd probably be half as emo-destructive as I've been.  But I have some damn high standards, it seems.  Nobody that I know anymore likes playing RPGs and sharing giant mugs of cocoa.  Bah.  Being responsible is the most personality-destroying decision a person could make, and I've caught myself red-handed right in the middle of it.  Hell if I'd rather talk about some vera wang accessories rather than some kickass teenie bopper movies and going to coldstone. /rant.  I'm pretty sure that I sometimes have anxiety issues.  In fact, I know that I do, but I also know that they'll all directly the fault of this program.  I'm halfway through with the hard part, though. Fingers crossed.

My parents are coming to visit for fall break.  It starts on the 14th and ends Sunday.  It's a long shot, but if anybody is free on any of those days, they (and myself), would really love to meet for lunch or something.  But I'm not expecting anything, I'm holding out for Christmas.  If those plans break, I think my soul will be completely dead.    I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take.  Rephe is literally the only break I get, and only because he takes so much of the responsibility off of my shoulders.  I don't think any sane person would put themselves through this program.  No wonder a quarter of us quit.  Most of the rest of us don't even remember what a social life is anymore... and we're all getting close to the edge.  We can all feel it, everybody is always so terse. 

Wow.  I'm glad that I've had a chance vent, but I'm not all negativity.  x_x.  I want to remember the good times, too, so happy thoughts: Halloween costume party with AMNP is coming up!  I'm looking into costume ideas, now.  The weather was so cold that I needed a real jacket today!  :3.  I'm sure all the leaves are changing now and I'm definitely going to have to take a study break at the garden soon.  I get to sleep in in the morning.  I think my future looks wide open and full of adventure.  I've got ice cream in the freezer.  I've always got my writing.  My family is super amazing.    And sympathy belly! ^_~

P.S.  Once I'm through will all of this stress and emo, <3, I'm going to save the world. :3

I had a breakdown.  A complete loss of faith in myself, in my ability, and in everything that I knew.  I saw the world as something gray and cutthroat, and everything that was beautiful as a front, so that the cruel reality of it all was better swallowed by its inhabitants.  For that time, it was all true.  I felt myself grow numb to it, and the desperation that led me there hardened, and my resolve hardened, and when I was finally ready to take the next step, all of the grey fell away and it everything seemed so stubbornly normal again.  But I feel changed.  I'm taking my steps more carefully, more determinedly, more passionately.  I'm beginning to accept the reality that I may not be here next semester.  I may not be good enough.  This will be the first time that I've ever really faced failure, and it'll be huge.  I don't know what would come after this.  Every door that I've pried open with these hands will be completely closed, and I'll have to learn to break down some walls and really struggle, for the first time ever.  But I'm learning to accept it.  I'm trying, with more ferocity than I thought that I had in me, to stay.  And I think that this is some kind of grim truth of life: my love for some aspects of this field are gone.  There's a lot of hypocrisy and closed-mindedness, a lot of laziness and self-importance that make me really and truly hate everything sometimes, but there is a lot to say for it, when I wake up every morning excited to feel the peace that I only feel when I'm at the clinic.

I haven't gotten back to the point where I'm full of wonder and giddyness, chomping at the bit to take pictures or play games.  That may be good for me, since it means that my clear focus is all-in on this program... and even though I feel like it won't be enough, I won't regret it.  I'm trying, and everything I've got can't always be enough.  The world isn't romantic.  In fact, I doubt it's grey and cruel, too.  It's a sum of everything within it, and what are we?  Every second, it's different.  Maybe, if I'm passionate enough, if I wish hard enough, it'll become softer for just long enough for me to survive.

I love some people, but they already know that.  I don't think that I need to make a tribute to them every week, when my voice lies elsewhere.  I just want them to understand that they're the reason I'm clinging on to this stuff that kills me over and over again.

This week, I tried.  The cold air rewards me.  I studied with the windows open, enjoying the whisper of the breeze and wondering if the blood was rushing to my cheeks, just yet.  As always, I'm making lists in my head: what to make, when I can start guzzling cocoa and really feel it in my belly, whether I'll have money for a tree.  :3.  And what to be for halloween.  I just can't be dead at this time of year, it means too much to me.