Dear diary: I've been a bit blue lately.  It happens to everyone; some, a little bit more than most.  I feel like I bring the very worst out of myself quite often, and AMNP brings it out the rest of the time.  I had held out the hope that I was going to feel super special and cheer up a bit, during my birthday.  Despite my parents being here (I really love feeling secure, the way that I do around them), I managed to spend the entire time wishing with bated breath for something more.  A little bit of disappointment; I guess every birthday can't be filled with balloons and wonder.  And every week can't be happy, or stormy.  I love chasing storms and being emotional.  What I can't stand is days like those, when it's not upsetting or elating, but just grey.  Those days are a waste.  It seems like the older I am, the more grey times happen. And it seems harder to keep myself together, when they hit.  I miss the days when a lollipop could cheer me up, and when I made a pastime of poking people.

I decided to make two lists:  8 things about 22-transitioning-to-23-year-old-me, and 8 birthday occurrences, not previously mentioned.  Since it was my birthday, I want to write all about me... and I remember having a lot of fun doing a "10 things" list in the past; it's just that I can't think of more than 8, and I don't want to push myself to the point that this isn't fun anymore,  ^_^;   So here goes.

1.  I miss the feeling of falling in love.  Where I am is great, I love having somebody dependable and sweet and charming, and I adore Rephe.  But sometimes, I miss the excitement and the tremulous feeling of falling and not knowing whether I'll be caught.  I miss the newness and the shyness and the thumping hearts (they still come back sometimes), and I miss clinging with all I've got because I didn't know if it would be mine to hold onto tomorrow.
1. My parents took me to this lost-baggage store on Monday.  They buy out baggage that people have left, and re-sell everything inside.  It was filled with clothes and clowns, free dippin' dots, tons of DVDs and laptops, cameras... but the one thing that I was hoping to find wasn't there: souvenirs, memoirs, quirky items, like little wooden elephants or old sentimental blankies.  Things that make luggage personal, and tell a story, things that smell of different countries and adventures travelling.  I had a lot of fun, but I was pretty disappointed.
2. I hate being older.  I'm always saying this, and I've written about why a million times, but it never leaves my head.  Let me put it this way: when I was 18, walking up and poking people and sitting alone on top of a wall, thinking, for hours were things that people found quirky and full of personality in me in the past.  Now, people shake their heads, wonder why I haven't grown up, or glare at me.  Plus, my body sucks now and I'm sure I've grown dumber over time.  All the things that seem important to me are supposed to be folded up and put behind me, now, and I hate it.  I want to be reckless and always carry around my favorite stuffy on a bad day.
2. Monday, on the way home from the baggage store, my parents and I stopped at this mysterious waterfall... we got out of the car to look, and found ourselves on a dry riverbed.  It was one giant rock, with patches of water on it.  We followed the rock to a tall, thin waterfall with a cavern carved out beneath it, and people walking around and jumping into the deep-looking water below.  We followed the trail and paid to take a train around the park, showing us some old buildings and animals, a trail through some ridges, and the waterfall itself.  The park was almost closing by this time, so we made plans to come back and hike the trails later... my mother and I share a passion for hiking and waterfalls.
3.  You probably already know this, but waterfalls are literally my favorite place to be.  They're beautiful and elegant, serene and violent, full of life and wonder and they take my breath away.  Those, and snow, are some of the most beautiful things I know.
3. My parents and I managed to get lost in Birmingham on the way home from eating, on Tuesday.  We kept making turns and catching glimpses of highway, but having no way to get to it.  We wandered by some mountains, rich residential areas, and made some random-last minute decisions before finding ourselves right where we needed to be, out of the blue.  We saw some really beautiful parts of the city on the way... that's why I love being lost.
4. I think that there's no excuse for cheating on people.  It's unforgivable and weak.  I also think that people that cheat don't deserve a second glance, or a second chance.  And yet I've cheated on a person, with several weak excuses.  They don't deserve to be named, even though I always rush to defend myself with them, because whether they're in the air or not, there's still no excuse.  I do hate myself for it sometimes.  I don't know if I believe in redemption, but somebody did enough to give me a second chance, and I think that it's the most beautiful thing..
4. My parents and I had Olive Garden as my birthday dinner. I had something wonderful and fresh... and the Olive Garden people sang happy birthday and brought me a delicious cake.  The dinner was kind of quiet, though.  I think it was my fault.  I never know the right thing to say...:
5.  I wish that i were funny or interesting.  There are millions of times a day when I find myself avoiding eye contact or avoiding a phone call because I just freeze up and feel lame.  I don't even give myself a chance.
5. Dally played Mabinogi with me on Tuesday, and bought me some keys to open chests with.  I got this adorable panda bear robe to wear, so I guess that was a great present.  ^_^;
6.  I make things sound worse than they are.  Actually, I make them sound they way that they really seem to me, but how upset I am about them/ how immediately it needs to be dealt with is probably exaggerated, because I makes me feel infinitely better if I blow everything off in one giant storm.  ...I probably don't want "help" unless I'm asking for help, and when I do, it'll tremulous and shy, or loud and demanding. 
6. Wednesday, my parents and I went to Atlanta.  We had Korean barbeque BUFFET, at a place that let us gather our raw meat and sit at a table with a grill in the middle, and we watched it all cook right in front of us, just like the restaurants in Korea.  There were so many happy memories, while I was eating in that place... it felt much more like a birthday celebration than Olive Garden did, and it was much better. And much cheaper.
7.  I get very demanding and easily upset with people that I expect a lot from.  And I'm selfish, and mean, and spoiled, and I like to be the one breaking hearts or making people laugh.  Because I'm insecure.  And I feel like I don't matter at all if I don't matter the most.  But... I like that about myself, so I don't think that I want to change.  I guess that makes me prideful, too.  But... I really think that I'm worth the pain it takes to know me. :
7. Korean stores.  We tracked down all of the major ones in Atlanta and visited them all, buying things like plum candies, pocky, fish cakes, red-bean walnut pastries, vanilla pastries, teumsae ramen, and all of the childhood snacks and things that made me reminisce about Korea.  I could tell that my mother was caught up in it the same way that I was, since we both become more lively than either of us were for the rest of the week.
8. Everlong is still my favorite song.  How many years has it been now?  I feel like my life just falls in line with it, though.  But if you want my "playlist", I can write it out for you, and guarantee that it won't be changing soon: Everlong, Suspension, Spin, Give me a Sign, Hurricane, 1000 Oceans, Chasing Cars (live), Tongue Tied, Secret Crowds, Black Balloon.  I'm pretty sure that, as of right now, those songs tell a pretty good story of me.
8. I started talking to Jonachi again this weekend, randomly.  And he's even playing a game with me again.  Friendship is a gift, and once upon a time, we were really close...  I know that I randomly try to rekindle friends often, so I won't say that I've got high hopes, but I'm glad for this pocket of our lives crossing again.  He was a good friend.  ^_^;  And he's still a good friend.

I love you.

Seeing Kalinesti around my birthday was put to a very forceful stop by my clinical rotation, though.  And that was going to be the best part. 

Regardless, my week-early birthday was really sweet.  It was such a gloomy day with all the rain and clouds that Birmingham constantly wears these days-- which I love, usually, since storms are really beautiful, but I'd just finished a reaaaaally long weekend of clinical work and long, tedious classes, so I was feeling pretty hateful about everything... and Jake decides to take me out for my Birthday right then.  So here's what he did for me: took me to have my favorite broccoli and cheddar soup with a chipotle chicken sandwich at Panera, then took me to the mall to splurge on vanilla birthday cake scented philosophy (if you don't know what it is, it's 3-in-1 shampoo, body wash, and bubble bath, and it's one of my favorite things) and lipgloss.  And then more lipgloss, since it's practically my drug.  And we wandered the rest of the mall, acquiring some Harvest Moon (*heart*) on the way.  When we'd worn ourselves out with window shopping and holding hands, we went to Wal*Mart for one last childish conquest- Pokemon.  Loooots of Pokemon.  And then we stayed up really late playing with them.  It was a great night: intimate, sweet, pretty geeky and relaxing, and full of smiles and laughs.  It was only missing some balloons and a cake... which is all easily remedied.  I still have a week.  A trudging, school & clinical- filled week.  I'll make the best of it. 

I have a goal to reach by next summer: to have a good enough GPA to make it into even higher learning, so that what I'm dealing with at clinicals now isn't my fate forever... and so that I can make enough of a living to support more than a tiny apartment household.  Oh.  And to be planning a much more exciting, balloon-filled birthday.

Thank you, Jakey, for giving me the best that could have possibly happened under such dismal school-oriented circumstances.  You're the shining star in everything I do.

I love you, Dally!  :3.  We'll try again for winter celebrations.  And we'll make it.

The lowest points of this weekend were being kicked out of our pool game for what I've researched and found to be a completely bull reason, and getting so lost that we hit Georgia before we realized we were going the wrong way.  I was really tired last night by the time we realized where we were, which was very not where we should have been.  Our directions had failed us utterly, and my phone was completely and utterly dead.  I had a complete, raging break-down.  As for the other thing, people in Florida are generally not very nice.. I guess I've been in Alabama for too long, as I've started to expect complete strangers to treat other human beings with some shred of decency.  I'd forgotten that much of the world isn't actually like that, although I can't say I understand why.  My scope must be pretty narrow, though.  I've had a pretty sheltered and amazing life.

Everything else was awesome, except for the persisting feeling that I had: things were moving forward at an alarming pace and I had absolutely no power to affect it.  I was watching the days go by and feeling like a spectator, at times.  If I had any power at all, it would still be Saturday.  But I'm just a girl.  Normalizing, I think, since I catch myself making rationalizations that I've seen my parents make, instead of standing by firey convictions and romantic ideals.  I'm more willing to compromise and stay quiet for the sake of looking "respectable", as it were.  I should kill that part of me, but right now I kind of need it just to fit in to this program.

To hell with peoples' standards, right?  But they're stronger than they have any right to be.

Anyway, the weekend was fabulous.  Our hotel, which was somehow remarkably cheap, was absolutely beautiful and served just the right mix of breakfast foods for us to get really creative and full.  The beds were actually very comfortable and the room was spacious and clean and cute (although they never came to clean it while we were there).  The entire weekend was stormy and rainy... I loved hearing the sound of the rain and watching the lightning streak across the sky, but it did unmentionable things to the water. .  We came out of the ocean that first morning smelling like algae and covered in little gooey bits of it that had to be wrestled out of our hair.  Jakey and Kao made sand castles on the beach while Dal and I rode some pretty waves out where it was a little deeper and a little cleaner, but I pressured the guys to join us... and then Jake was sputtering and miserable because the saltwater kept accosting him.  He went back to the beach towels while Dal and Kao and I threw on goggles and peered at the fish darting between our feet and running into us.  They were all silver and cute, but that's about the time that I started feeling kind of sick, so we packed up and went back to go take some showers.

We went bowling and putt-putt golfing that night.  I lost every game of bowling, even though Jakey was giving me cheat codes and teaching me how to be awesome at it.  XD  We only broke 100 in one of the games, barely... our scores were, for the most part, in the seventies and eighties.  Hee.  :3.  I want to get my own bowling ball so that I can bond with it... maybe I'll work better with a ball that I know.  We went to Barnacle Bay afterward to play putt-putt.  I was especially adamant about choosing this place because, the night before, we had been at the hotel pool clinging to each other adamantly like barnacles, and yelling "barnacle!" and being generally clingy.  So we had this stupidly long putt-putt session with everybody making scores of twooooo! no matter how many times they hit the ball and Dally and I winning because we made more hole-in-ones than the guys.  It was a pretty cheesy place, and we kept losing golf balls.  But it was one of those nights that you remember. 

Sunday, we woke up really late and didn't leave the hotel until mid-afternoon.  We wandered the octopus-mall for a while and found some lipgloss that smells like Christmas (<3, thank you Dally!), and then we went and ate at a Mexicano restaurante since it's Jakey's favorite ever.  And then we had some pool/darts time and ice cream.  And Monday was there.  We missed breakfast and got up to go eat at pizza hut.  We had some kind of giant feast, and then went to play go-karts.  I was awesome.  :3.  I was way fast, and almost lapped Jakey, except he stayed in the middle of the lane, so I couldn't get around him... and then we went to the arcade and got completely ripped off by everything for a while.  But, that was also fun.  We played things like skee ball and slot machines. 

And a last trip to Wal*Mart was the period to this fragment-sentence weekend. 
It's just a measly three weeks until I see them again, on my birthday weekend.  Three staggering, school-filled weeks, rife with exams and clinical days.  I hope this semester kills me less than the last one did, and that this trend of being with my friends keeps up.  I think it's doing good things for me, like making me happy.

The end.  I love you, pumpkin-head & dally & kao. :3.

My head hurts.  I fell asleep on the couch because nobody wanted to hang out and had one of those long, "dreamless" sleeps.  I woke up really groggy.  Once the sleep fled my head, the pounding started.  I wonder why bodies hate getting too much sleep like that... I've rarely had the opportunity to get a full night's sleep for several months now, and when I'm trying to catch up, it's like "whoa, slow down there... I don't know how to deal with this."  ...but I need the dreams. 

But I'm almost out of classes now, and I don't know what to do with myself... I have one more set of clinical paperwork to finish and mail in, and then one more exam.  By the way, every exam in this program is ridiculous.  They're either always way over our heads, or they're insults to our intelligence... and by this point, I'd rather have my intelligence insulted, because I'm still in the game, that way.  I hate that... but I have to take the good with the bad.  Several of these staff members the most unsympathetic, subjective, unyielding people I've ever met.  I think they're actually trying to be assholes, sometimes.  They're very much the opposite of what I'd expect to find in a teacher or a nurse, and it's scary that they're the ones educating me to be a nurse.  I have my fingers crossed that I don't end up like them.  Hate is a strong word; I have very strong feelings for them.  And I wish I didn't.  This program really brings out the worst in me.  But I think it's bringing out some good, too.  It's a toss of the coin.  I call tails.

Lately I've been playing Pokemon much more fervently.  ...Cards included.  I pulled out my old Flareon burn deck and just fell back in love with it.  It had been all mixed in with my spare cards (and I noticed that the vast majority of my cards aren't here.  I'll have to hunt for them again in Louisiana), so I rebuilt it using the same burn mechanic.  It's got some pretty big weaknesses, but it really suits me.  :3.  I'm probably going to start training Pokemon again in SS, now that I'm finally out of classes for a tiny bit.

I'll never grow up.

We found out that Rephe's band stuff is going to be going on during my break.  It's going to interfere with our beach trip in at least two ways: his camp ends at five Friday, so we won't be leaving until then for Panama City.. we'll get there pretty late.  I hope I don't get lost in the dark.  And he's also going to have to skip a whole day because we're driving back Monday, and he's supposed to be at camp.  I hope that they don't get too upset, but there's no way I'm letting this weekend go!  I'm going to be at the beach in less than a week!!  I love you Dally, Kao, & Jakey!!!

I don't know how to describe it; I guess I'll have to close my eyes and let it flow.

I feel amazed, astounded, blown to the ground and small.  I thought that I had it figured out, the scope of the world, how cruel it was, and how no matter what I was doing, I couldn't seem to see the light, or an escape route.  I went to bed and woke up reeling from the helplessness of it all.  I wondered if I was ever going to feel like this program was worth all of the shit that I dig through just to fail it.  Last night, I found out that I had hold on my accounts from not being medically cleared, still, although I'd cleared that up and gotten my clearance at the beginning of the semester.  And because I'm still a senior undergrad student, according to some records.    I don't even know what's going on there.  I had a test in a class that I consistently suck at today, and a giant freaking validation to do.  It's pass/fail, meaning that if I fail, I fail the class.  So today was looking pretty magnificently horrible. 

My dad got onto e-mailing everyone about my holds.  The first lady said she couldn't help me.  She was the only one that responded, before I went in to my test, which I made an 85 on.  I know that it doesn't sound great, but that is the best grade that I've made in this class so far, and that 85 was a good enough grade to pull my GPA up into the "B" range.  That leaves only one class to be worried about!  After the class, several teachers contacted me, pulled me aside, and let me know that they were going to jump in and help, if my holds weren't lifted today.  I was grateful... since I haven't seen sympathy from them before.    While I'm at it, seven people have dropped this program by now, and one more is on the fence.  That pulls us from 41 people to a potential 33.  It's a pretty big difference, when you're looking out at the remaining class.

I did forget to name the deep tendon reflexes out loud, and I might fail for that, but since I know that I missed nothing else and we get a re-do Tuesday if we failed, I feel confident that this validation won't be a problem.  I really hope that she just passes me the first time though, since I feel like I remembered an awful lot (more than a lot of the other students) and I had the process right, even if I didn't name them aloud.  I just want next Tuesday off... that would be grand.  :3 I'll be completely done with this class! I'm so happy!

So I left as soon as I was done to sneak home for some snuggle time with Jakey.  I flopped down on the bed and listened to him babble.  At this point, I'd already discovered the chocolates and other sweet snacks that he'd left in my bag to nom on during classes.  He's thoughtful, and that means so much.  <3. 

So I left for clinicals.  I walked in the Mrs. Robison let me know that my patient from two weeks ago had gone through the trouble to actually call her, leave a message saying that they needed to talk, and persisted in trying to contact her just to let her know that she wanted to commend me and say that I deserved recognition for the awesome job that I did with her husband... and that's going on my paperwork.  I was so happy!  It's the first time somebody has given me hope about my job!  So I was already bubbly when I went in to meet this week's patient, who was just getting back from a surgery.  As I introduced myself, I noticed that she didn't want to talk with me at all, so I asked if there was anything I could do and got ready to leave.  She asked for her glasses, so I found them, put them on for her, and then glanced at her monitor.  For those who aren't aware, regular BP is 120/80.  Mine is usually 116/74.  Hers was at 60/35.  I glanced at her chart to see if it was normal for her.  It wasn't.  So, I trekked out to find her RN.  She was nowhere to be found.  I'd run to the other end of the floor, to the supply room, to the nurses' station... I couldn't find her.  So I told my instructor, who promptly panicked, called the nearest nurse and told her, and suddenly every nurse on the floor was in the room, pulling in towels and saline and tubing to stop a giant bleed that had saturated her bedsheets.  My patient was having a medical emergency.  It was the first one that I'd seen up close, and I was told that they were extremely rare, on our floor.  o_o; And my teacher told me, as we were dismissed, that she was going to write that in my report, too, since I had been observant enough to notice her BP when my job today was just to say hi, and since she may have bled to death otherwise.  She said that not many people would have thought to check that on such a routine visit.  And then I realized that this was my first actual... meaningful action.  If her life wasn't saved, it was definitely improved by my actions today.  It's the first time that I've done something, as a nurse, that really reaffirmed me.  I was so happy I could cry, because finally, all of the hell that I've been going through just to be a part of this has meant something.

So I came home feeling elated, which was a far cry from the not wanting to feel alive that I was going through this morning.  <3  It was such an exciting day!  &&&&&! On Thursday, I get to work a shift in the ER! Woo!

Jakey's making us dinner now... and he's going to help me finish up some paperwork so that we can have a TV date tonight to unwind.  Thank you, Jakey, for giving me delicious chocolates and some time to remember to be me and smell you and mao.   And for being the best boyfriend ever.  >_> What would I have become if you weren't here for me this summer?  I may still be here, in this program.  May, although I'd probably hate my life.. but I'm sure that I would have been run to the ground and had every semblance of "me" would have been drained or forgotten and locked away from the pressure of it all. 

Dally, I miss you every day.  There's a part of me that's still locked away for you, too, and I miss her.  But I miss you more.  <3  I hope I get to see you soon...

The end. :3

I feel like I've said too much today, so now I feel like being quiet. 

That excludes writing, as always.  We were having some kind of wonderful conversation.  It began with the heaviest thunderstorm I've seen in a while, violent thunder, thundering rain.. and dissolved into a bright, cool day.  I managed to get a lot of work done.  That's a rare feeling, for me.  And then Rephe made an offhand comment about a thing that he saw, and I was intrigued.  I brought up a counterpoint without thinking.  The conversation unfolded into something beautiful, I saw sides of him that I hadn't understood until then, and I picked them apart and pushed the conversation further, seeking certain concessions.  I don't think I ever meant for it to go down the particular avenue that I did, but I changed my goals to match.  Somewhere in the process, I lost sight of something that I thought I believed particularly strongly: what I feel is true isn't necessarily true for others. But I tried my damnedest to force him to speak within the boundaries of the world that I see, forgetting that his world is much purer than mine.  And I had the nerve to tell him that he didn't realize sacrifice.  I realized that I said too much.  So, I stopped saying anything.  I spent a good deal of time thinking about the incredible depth that he'd been on the verge of showing me, during the conversation.  I'd felt so animated, excited, enchanted.  He seemed so passionate, about things that I'd assumed he had no stake in.

And me.  You'd think I'd learn to stop making assumptions.

I almost cried at several points-- I'm feeling inexplicable, mercurial, moody.  For no discernible reason, although part of me is glad, because it feels like waking up.  I feel emotional, like things matter more, as if I'm going to break over something so trivial.  When we all know that it's the trivial things that mean the most.  This is the way I want to be passionate.  The things that struck me today were: a box of strawberries.  They were dusty and did not look fresh and delicious, and I was suddenly very sad for a very selfish reason.  I don't want strawberry season to end.  I feel like I've somewhat wasted this season by not enjoying enough of them, and now it's over.  I can never go back and take full advantage of this year's strawberry season, and now I can't reasonably attain them for another year.  And who knows what'll change by then, maybe I'll suddenly hate them.  I doubt it, though.  Strawberry-love has been one of my constants for a very, very long time.  The next thing was a package of pre-made pizza crusts.  When I saw them, I thought about making a pizza with Rephe, and how unreasonably happy it makes me to do such simple things with him.  And how fragile this kind of happiness is.  I think I was afraid of losing it.  The third time was when he said "Hey there, beautiful."  I haven't encountered many men who understand just how meaningful the word "beautiful" is, as opposed to other compliments, or who mean it when they use it.  But I feel precious when he calls me that, and so grateful that it almost makes me cry.

There are some things that I need to work out.  My hypocrisy about faith, for one, because if I do want to show anybody, I need to see myself.  I'm afraid, because I want somebody to understand the battles that I fight and be able to keep me standing.  For a moment, I thought that maybe he'd never be able to see clearly enough to share that with me... but then I remembered that he's the inspiration I have to keep fighting that battle.  So I'll leave it in the air and pray for wings.

Sincerely,

 

This morning felt unreal: a lonely ending to a perfect weekend.  I keep swearing that one day, these goodbyes will stop, but it's wishful thinking, isn't it?  Life pulls us all in different directions.  I'm watching it happen, even as I think to myself that I'll keep fighting it until I'm dead.  It's only saying goodbye to them that hurts quite like this.

It started with Thursday.  I woke up excited and nervous, the way I always am when I know that She's coming.  I'm always somehow afraid that everything's going to go wrong and She's going to hate me, although I know it won't happen.  But if there's anybody that I'm afraid of losing, it's Her.  .  I scribbled off a badly-written e-mail in Spanish, letting my professor know that I wouldn't be there for class and asking him to let me read In the Name of Salome for my final project.  I don't know if I'm allowed; he still hasn't answered.  And then I trekked off to Statistics to learn about the frustrating science of the mathematics of making claims about groups of people.  To be honest, I have a better jive with statistics than I do with any other type of math;  this stuff makes a tiny bit of sense to me.  It's still math though, and math is frustrating.  After that, I rushed to Microbiology lab and finished some cultures and lab sheets and then Rephe and I sat down on a pavement block in front of Blount and stared keenly into every car that passed, watching for Kao's face.  Brittany came and talked to us for a while, then.  It seemed that she was planning to have her sisters come over for the weekend.  I'm not sure whether I miss hanging out with her or not, yet.  There are things about her that I'm sure I'll never miss: super girlishness, shallow taste in men, superlove for pink, the tendency to forcefully sap everybody's attention.. but she's incredibly supportive and actually a lot of fun to have around.  At this point, I'm really avoiding being in the dorm more than her.  That place feels like a prison, ever since they added stricter rules and began enforcing them.  I'm supposed to see an agent tomorrow about taking a look at some apartments, so that I can get out of there.

As I was sitting there, I asked Rephe to dance for me.  Time always seems to elongate when you're waiting for something, and the distortion was getting to my head.  I needed something to distract me.  Being a great boyfriend, he obliged, and I was quite distracted.. to the point that I missed them driving by.  x_x  Dal snuck up behind me, and said that they'd driven right by my face. 

They followed us to Rephe's place, where we'd laid out all of their Christmas/ birthday presents, and we sat down and started awkwardly opening gifts.  Dal was charged with the task of recording the eleven minute long process of unwrapping Teshie's present (he happened to be missing this trip due to his being in Disney World, lucky bastage).  I think that he could wrap things sufficiently to survive an a-bomb.  This particular present, which turned out to be Super Mario Bros [wii!], was wrapped in two different styles of wrapping paper, toilet paper, saran wrap, aluminum foil, and looooots of tape.  ...Several layers of each.  At least.  The worst part was, after nine minutes of unwrapping, finally being able to see the present through a particularly thick layer of saran wrap and being unable to rip the last layer off.  Despite the frustration, I was very happy.  I've been eyeballing that game for quite some time.  Dally and co. had also brought me an adorable mushroom pin, lip gloss, fuzzy socks [+ aloe], Luminous Arc 2-- another game that I've reaaally wanted to play, but couldn't seem to get, a giant wolfie, Kao's botan rice candy... It was an awesome Christmas.  ^_^.  That makes two of the most perfect, joy-inducing Christmases in a row.  Incidentally, I like the way that Dal opens board games-- and now that I'm reminded, I'm sad that I forgot about Cranium.  I wish we would have played... I've played Cranium with many groups of people and (I would have predicted it this way) I've never had as much fun as I do with them.

That night, Rephe made a super-delicious meal for us and we watched JJ play God of War into the night.  We also took a trip to Wal*Mart for groceries and started playing Mario.  Repe and I were hilariously bad at it.  We must have killed each other almost as much as we died on our own, and we had the absolute worst luck getting items from the mushroom houses.  But there was a lot of laughter involved, so it must have been fun. 

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I woke up the next morning to a room filled with friends.  It was a cheerful thought.  But I had something to finish; the school won't let me register for classes until I've finished getting all of my vaccines, and only a pediatrician or the Health Department could administer a Varicella vaccine.  Everybody jumped in my car and walked across campus with me and perched outside while I was drilled by a lady who was skeptical about every ounce of my medical history, and then I was subjected to needles and burning sensations.  I limped away with a sore arm about a half hour later.  We decided to go to the mall.  Of course, our first stop was bubble tea.  They were out of my usual flavor, so I tried strawberry lychee.  It's my new favorite.  We walked over to express, where Dal bought us matching dresses so that when we went to Ginza, we would look amazing together.  We actually tried on a couple, and I've firmly decided that Dally looks good in everything.  Also, I'm frustrated that they now carry size 00, just two years after I needed that size.  It's incredible how many sizes I've gone up.

We left Express toting a big bag of dress and walked through the lego store, and then stopped and deliberated for a very long time about which ring to use as our engagement rings.  It had come down to a white star ring, red hearts, or a classic engagement ring style.  It's probably obvious which one I was rooting for.  The lady that was helping us insisted that the red hearts looked the best on me, and I thought they looked the best on Dally, too.  We deliberated for so long that JJ and Rephe left to meander about, and Kao was stuck being the opinion guy.  We decided on red.  I don't have a very good record so far, as I've only worn the ring one of three days that I've had it, but I plan to wear it every day, except when I'm doing clinicals and I'm not allowed to wear jewelry.

I'm not sure that they'd believe me if I told them it was an engagement ring, as it's red and not a diamond, but I've decided to try to tell them anyway and see if they'll let me get away with it.  ^_^

We spun home so that Dal and I could get dressed for our Ginza date.  I got to help her get ready, by making her wear jewelry that matched mine, and glitter.  We looked absolutely adorable and I am not at all embarrassed about matching my best friend in public.  XD.  Also, I'm proud of the fact that even though we didn't have directions, we found the place just fine, and no soy sauce bottles were broken during this visit.  The food was amazing, as always.  The sushi took a lot longer than our gal-bi to make.. I was done with my food before I ever got to taste a volcano roll.  That place always feels like a date, whether I'm with a giant group of friends or with one person, and it always reminds me of Kalinesti.  I'm glad I got to be there with them again.

We went home after that and wound down with games. 

[ ]

...Which continued on into the next day.  We had plans to go to the gardens and take pictures, but everybody was feeling lazy at that point (and anyway, we didn't get up until well into the day).  In the end, we ended up sitting in front of the television, slaughtering each other inadvertently in Mario all day... and watching J.J. play God of War.  Kao cooked some amazing philly cheese steak, and I got to snuggle with Dally for a while.  We stayed up all night, until Dally told Kao that she was going to pack.  Shortly after that, Rephe and I were standing outside in the warm spring night, my face alternately buried in his chest and watching their car pull out, and I was wondering whether I should cry, or go sleep.  I settled for a little bit of both.

I miss them incredibly already.

It's hard to explain why they're my best friends, after all this time and distance.  They just are.  The way that I am is different around them.  They're different.  I just never seem to be able to miss anybody else the way that I miss them, or be so recklessly me around anybody else.  It's those important things that can't be put into words that mean the most to me.  They're always going to be that thing for me. 

Well, I've got a prince to keep me standing until the summer.  I love you, Rephe.

I love you guys so so much.

Dear diary.

I'm having a race against time.
I'm sitting outside, on the campus green with Rephe.   We're sitting on a hill, surrounded by a piece of artwork that looks like a half-constructed house, a bunch of trees, and the field of lights.  It's pretty from up here.  And the fountain is running tonight.  It's lit up.  It reminds me of my freshman year.  I have such nostalgia for that year.  I can't really place why, but that year felt like a test; it felt like being pushed out of the nest, and flying on my own.  I found my own places and changed into my own feathers.  I love this school.  It's always going to be the first place that I had my own home.

Anyway, I'm typing this on my laptop with the dorm's wifi, racing against the battery life.  It says that I have three hours, but I know this computer.  I probably have about thirty minutes.  XD.

I just got back from watching a percussion ensemble with Rephe.  He said that I looked bored, but I wasn't.  I shut myself down to focus on the sound.  I expected for the starry one to be my favorite, but every single one that came after it struck me harder, and in a completely different way.  The war one was especially impacting, but I think that I liked appleblossom the best.  It shot my mind into a million directions.  And I appreciated the date.  Art in any form is amazing to me.  I'll run this horse dead to the ground, I love expression and perspective and the passion of it. 

The music made me feel. <3 Thank you, darling prince.

...& a truck was just pulled over for having too much stuff in its bed.  Poor guy.

I woke up to a phone call from an agent, offering to take me to look at apartments.  I have my meeting with my physician very soon, and I'm going to be seeing Kalinesti soon, too.  As always, I'm a little bit anxious and very, very excited. One of my biggest fears now is that my future with them will never come.  I love them so freaking much more than I could love any other friends ever.  Especially Dally, even though she doesn't get how beautiful she is.  DX.  She's the one that gave me the confidence to keep walking.  <3.

I don't want to play with fate.  My prince is looking melancholy and my battery life is rapidly failing (it hasn't even been ten minutes :3)... and I've got grassy snuggly plans in mind.  It's a shame that the stars aren't brighter tonight, but at least we've got a warm spring night and yummy cafeteria food to have deep discussions over.  This is my favorite kind of night. <3

Dear diary,

Hello.
My name is Helen, but today, that's the last thing I want to hear myself be called.  I'd rather just be Sephy, for a while.  I woke up feeling optimistic and playful, ready to accomplish something, but today felt like a beatdown.  By now, I feel like a completely different person.  I can't recount the steps that brought me here, I just know that the me that sits, frustrated and erasing countless sentences because she can't seem to say a single satisfying word, is not the me that got out of bed giggling.  The me that sits here now is a bit frustrated by this insatiable urge to write, even when she really doesn't want to, and by the way that her parents' indecision is crippling her, and by the way that immovable circumstances always throw her far, far off track.  I could swear that time has been slowly quickening, and I'm sitting back and watching it race by helplessly, now.

Today, I'm the girl that sits alone outside, on a flight of stairs, frustrated and seething over small things that break apart effortlessly and the thoughtless words of a pretentious prince.  It was a slow descent: I woke up and bounced about on the bed for a bit, then took Rephe to walk with me across the entire length of southside to reach a clinic to get some vaccinations done.  They could only give me one of two.  ._.  We trekked all the way back to my car, all the while I was fighting dizzy spells because heat is my mortal enemy, and then drove to the summit, where we were eyeballed and pretentioussed at.  I spoiled myself, since I only have money once a month and I needed to feel cool.  While were were being judged at haughty central, my parents called and broke apart plans that they had settled with me ages ago, and now I'm not only backtracking, the floor is sliding out from beneath me.  And this is an unrelated point, but I'm concerned that their concern for my future life (which extends to the point that they want me to miss a friend's wedding entirely) is hindering my life now.  In all honesty, they have a huge influence on what I do... but things like being a part of my friends' weddings and being able to take mini road-trips with my friends while I'm still young, reckless, and less burdened by responsibility were all that I wanted from my life.  To me, this is what I wanted my life to be-- great adventures, my biggest mistakes, my regrets, burning everything down and I go and enjoying it all anyway... I didn't want to waste it all away to have and old, comfortable life.  I want to have a passionate, tumultuous time.  At least, a huge part of me does.  But today, that wasn't an issue.  Today, their indecision is.  Rephe and I came back to his place, where I raged and grumbled for a while, and he called me in to the dining room.  I scuffled out there, scowling and grumbling and asked what he wanted, and stopped, frozen with shock.

& for a while, I was breathless and tremulous, a girl with a crush on a prince.  & I was aware that I was luckier than I deserved.  Before me was a smiling, fluffy boy setting out a beautiful (and yummy) dinner, with a small candle flickering and music playing.  I couldn't stop looking at him and smiling like an idiot.  It didn't end there.  He sang to me, and danced with me, and I snuggled into his shoulder and kicked him and ran away, bubbly and optimistic again.

But then it was time to do homework, and shortly after, I found myself pacing around outside, fuming over thoughtless words tossed out by a pretentious prince.

You're always blowing things out of proportion or taking them out of context.

Today, I guess that's true.
I am a girl that cries at surprise candlelit dinners-- but only when your back is turned.  I buy Christmas presents for my friends in early April.  I notice that I finally smile when I see the word "bliss" used on products.  I bought myself some "butterscotch bliss" scented shampoo bubble gel today, with some cherry lipgloss.  The warm colour of the gel reminds me of happy childhood days.  Today, I'm not sure what my favorite colour is, but I'm inclined to think that it's something neutral and stormy.  It'll be red as soon as I wake up.  I'm not a fan of the weather, nor do I care whether it's raining.  Not today.  Today, I just want to be in bed, raising pokemon and struggling to think of cool names.  I'm volatile, and completely unsure why.  Today, I feel like a new person, and although I have to admit that today me is completely happy right now, I miss the old bouncing me-- it's discomforting to be a stranger to myself, but I know that days like this are bound to happen.  Right now, I'm a girl that smiles when your back is turned, because I'm really and truly content, but I don't want for you to realize... it's still a secret.  Even though some things go wrong... I still know that this is the happiest time of my life.  It is.  :3.  I can tell by the way there's still a candle flickering on the dresser and I can still hear Chasing Cars in my memory.

PS- I got a surprise present in the mail the other day completely out of the blue and it made me so happy.  Like the size of elephants happy.  ^_^ Thank you.