I haven't been able to sleep lately.  I've been staying up late and getting up early... I no longer look forward to my dreams.  I'm always tense and looking for an escape, in them.  And then I wake up feeling anxious.  For now, my days go better without the sleep.  At least last night accomplished something.  I stayed up, talking to Teshie~.  It was good for me, since lately I've been wondering if I still have friends at all or whether it's all just in my head, a ceremonial title with no substance.  We talked about things that I've been really wanting to talk about.  Even though it didn't get us too far, I feel a lot more pieced together now.  This is why I need my friends.  Everybody else is somehow a poor substitute.  Everybody else somehow gets a poor substitute for me.  Unfortunately, I'm really picky about who gets close. I can't remember whether I chose to be that way, at some point, or whether it was just me.  It doesn't matter now, I'm old and stubborn and set in my ways.  Harhar.

We got a lot of plans laid out.  Rephe is going to call today about some tickets, and one way or another, I'm going to go see Breaking Benjamin in Atlanta during April.  It's expensive and I can't afford the tickets-- I had a huge fight with my mother about spending money unnecessarily, mooching, and choosing my priorities, and eventually she decided to help me a little.  So did Rephe's mom.  The timing of this concert is great, since it's right at the end of classes and right before exams, so I won't be missing too much. I'm much more excited than I can begin to tell, because Breaking Benjamin has been my favorite band since Phobia, and I finally get to see them in action.  Ancient Jeffey used to babble about how great they were live.  I've been so jealous of all the no-name faces that probably don't even adore their music that have been able to see them.  And even more jealous of the people that do appreciate them.  :3.

This semester is going exactly the way that I need it to.  My grades aren't going great, but they're precisely what I need for them to be to move forward, whether it's the way that I wanted to go, or a roundabout way, or a completely new way.  Whatever.  I'm waiting for my letter now, it's supposed to be mailed this week.  There's so much riding on that freaking letter.  I can feel myself slowly winding up.  I've been trying to prepare myself for a letdown, but I might cry if I'm let down.  I really may.  But!  There are other things coming in the mail to cheer me up.  I got a couple of presents to finish up Dally's and Snow White's Christmas, and even though I'm going to be set back because of tickets and being poor, I decided what to get everyone else for Christmas.  I'm forgoing birthdays for a while, as I've got a few plans for Rephe's and I need to start saving up for that.  *crosses fingers*.  Anyway, I don't want to have to ask my parents for extra help anymore.  They've been pulling through like crazy and they have a lot to deal with right now.

I'm going to have to admit... everything looks bright right now because of Rephe.  After I openly admitted that I didn't feel special, he spent that day spoiling me and hasn't really stopped.  After all of the presents, he was the one that spent all day working to pull together the money and organize the concert.  Because he knows that they're my favorite.  I kind of wanted to give up right away, and he waddled around and made it come together for me.  Rephe, I am very much in love with you.  Freakin' quaker. ;3.

Dally, you're still the goal I'm rushing toward.  I miss you so much.    Hang in there until I can swoop in and rescue you.  You're still my only best friend.

Dear diary.

There it is: I couldn't begin to write until I felt those two words crawl out... dear diary.  Now it's personal.  Now, it's like I'm talking to a friend.  Now, I can disclose my problems and my secrets and my triumphs, and it doesn't feel contrived.  It doesn't have to be art, it doesn't have to be pretty.  I can be flawed here.  Nobody would hurt me for that, right?  Nobody would hate me for it.

Today was so weird.  Almost disconnected, like a dream.  I felt more put together when I was dreaming... because although I can't remember the dream itself, I remember waking up relieved that it was over.  I'd gone through an ordeal.  I was stressed and traumatized and I just wanted to be held.  I found myself resenting myself at times, today.  Was it a remnant of the dream, or was it really a dream?  Or do I have another problem altogether?

Today was about me.  Let's be realistic, here.  I'm contradictory.  Sometimes, it's literally as simple as bringing me a warm cup of cocoa, and I feel like the most special girl on the planet.  Cocoa is a really meaningful thing, to me.  Like warm pretzels and ICEEs, and sitting on a couch in the mall and realizing that this moment felt just like a date and this feeling feels just like a crush and today, it's so obvious that he cares about you that it's almost crushing.  Sometimes, it's harder.  Sometimes, I find myself comparing every victory to the ones of the people around me.  And if I don't have a guy that dotes on me with everything down to his wallet, obviously I'm not as worthwhile as the girl that does. Sometimes, I'm materialistic and I want shiny things.  Sometimes, I'm emotional and I want deep conversations.  Sometimes, I'm rebellious, and I want a night without strings.  Don't mistake me.  I never want to have some one-night stand or go out and flirt with all the guys on the town.  Some things will always be significant to me.  But sometimes, I just want to forget how heavy things really are.  Today, I was shifting rapidly between the me's, and leaving bread crumb trails so that he could find me.  But I forget that my breadcrumbs are all in my head, and he can't follow phantoms.  It's my own fault that I ended up feeling dejected and kind of lonely.  At times.

The rest of the times were amazing, though.  We went to the mall and Rephe dedicated the entire day to wandering around whatever stores I wanted to be in.  He paid attention to the things that made me pause and actually participated in finding shinies with me.  :3  I know that's really hard for some men.  But he really tried.  We found some Cherry scented bubble bath/ shampoo/ body wash.  I've been wanting to get some of this stuff forever, because i think it's really fun that you can just grab this bottle and fling it into the tub and roll around in it, and it's practically all you need.  :3  He helped me pick our really sparkly eye-shadow, and some presents for Brittany (I still haven't given her Christmas!  But there's only one part left now)... and he bought me a little candle jar!!  With a bunch of pretty small candles stuck inside.  I love love love candles.. :3  My favorite one is strawberry scented...

And now.  Now, I'm sitting in this room watching the candle light flicker... this one is vanilla lime scented, while Rephe hands me a cup of yummy hazelnut cocoa.  And I'm thinking about how I can't wait for Pokemon to come out, and how stressful this week is going to be because not only do I have a difficult and stressful exam coming up... this is the week that my answer is mailed.  Do I have to look for some alternate future, or do I win?  It makes me tense.  I'm a little bit sad because of how much I saw Rephe spend today in trying to make me feel special.  But I'm also really happy, because today, I was super special.  It was all about me.  :3 

Thank you, Jakey.  Today was absolutely wonderful.  Now I race to the next weekend.  And I cannot wait. <3

I give you my destiny, I'm giving you all of me. I want your symphony.  Singing in all that I am, at the top of my lungs, I"m giving it back. So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours, I pray to be only yours-- I know now, you're my only hope.

"Don't force it," he says. 

I doubt that I've got anything to write about.  But I'm going to write anyway.  Of course.  This weekend was spent with my nose in flashcards and papers and books, and occasionally on facebook.  Actually, largely on facebook, once I reached my self-proclaimed limit to having learned things.  I have a busy week ahead of me.  It seems that the class that I missed last week for my interview was a critical class-- the lecture on the exact thing that ruined me in physiology.  Now if I don't get this spot, I'm going to be extremely frustrated.  Har.  The notes on the slides that he gave us don't even begin to cover the topic.  But that's not all.  I have this microbiology exam, an exam in my lab, and a book presentation to do in Spanish.  I haven't gotten around to reading the book yet.  Silly me.  I kept thinking that it was more important to study for the tests.  I had a lot of busy work to finish up, anyway.

I'd be lost without Jake.  Although he doesn't actually have any responsibility academically right now, he's been tirelessly helping me with flashcards and learning the material with me.  To quiz me.  And I feel like the subjects that he's involved himself with, I know by heart.  Unfortunately, that's thus far only a portion of a chapter for one of the exams.

This weekend is going to be such a treat.  No tests, no projects, and no obligations.  I've been thinking that I'm maybe going to take Rephe and  Snow White and look at apartments.  She and I sat down on Thursday to talk about things in Starbucks, and she decided that, if nothing goes horribly wrong, she's going to move in with me.  I'm so relieved that I've finally got somebody that I can stand to live with to split my rent with.  Although there are a couple things we'll have to work out-- like nobody touching my supercute dishes, because I'm still an only child and there are things that I am extremely possessive over-- things that are special to me.  Especially since I've seen what goes wrong when there aren't any restrictions and you're the one with things to lose.  I feel like she's better than anybody else that lives in Birmingham, currently.  But I worry about a lot of things.  Like what's going to happen when her best friend moves here, and what's going to happen when I'm done.  And how I'm going to get to Dal.

Rephe and I drove through the area that my favorite apartment's in.  It's right in between the seedy area and the really, really nice area.  The place looks great from the front, lackluster from the back.  I want to take a look inside before I decide anything.. and probably drive further in and grab some numbers for the nicer area.  It's just so many tiny things to do, and I don't know when I'll ever have time.  I still haven't even taken the time out to get my invitations.  Dad's been on my tail about that for months now.  Wark.

There's a lot on my mind, suddenly.  But it just isn't the time.  I'm not feeling poetic or washed out or anything that needs to be expressed.  I just... need to learn a lot more, and I want to sit in a bathtub and play with bubbles for a while.  I guess days like this are necessary, too.  At least I know I'm going somewhere. <3

Dear diary.

Yesterday was a big day for me.  I went in for an interview with a council that decides my fate.  I didn't really talk about it much before, but since I didn't get the interview e-mail until about a week after they were supposed to let us know, I thought that I simply hadn't made it.  And since I've found out that I've got a chance, I've been progressively more tense.  I think it manifested as sick, because I was starting to get incredibly ill.  And when the interview ended, I was suddenly fine, again.  I think it went well.  I was called in for an extra interview because of special interest or something, and I felt like I was eloquent and interesting enough to stand out.  But then again, everyone that was there seemed like the epitome of elegance.  ._.; And they hadn't warned me that I'd have to write an essay, as well as speak to the council and then speak again to a lady that seemed incredibly important.  The odds are only okay.  Out of hundreds that applied, about 70 got interviews, and much less make it in.    But this is really the program that I want to do.  I'm a bit worried.  Here's praying. <3

Rephe drove me there and came to pick me up afterward.  To de-stress me, and because we didn't go out on Valentine's day, he took me to eat at the Macaroni Grill afterward.  I got the same thing I had before.. and it was still the best thing ever.  He tried something else-- something lemon flavoured.  I think mine was better.    We were dressed up for the date, I think that makes it our first official date.  For some reason, that changed things.  We were giggling a lot and talking more than we usually do when we're eating.  Thinking about it now, I wonder when that became true?  We used to giggle and babble over food every time.  But last night was like waking up.  He smiled at me more often, too-- that particular smile.  The charming one that melts me. And we were doodling all over the table, while he explained smart things to me and I just sat there teasing him. 

Something about him was really sweet last night.  I felt completely helpless in the face of the crush that I found myself having for him again.  Rephe is so important to me. <3

Afterward, we drove over to the cheesecake factory to treat ourselves.  I brought a piece home for Snow White and we munched on cheesecake while I just kind of absorbed myself in a book that I [still] need to finish for a test today... harhar.  Only 70 pages left.  In Spanish.  This weekend is going to be total hell, though, since I've got two huge tests next week, a huge project next week, and several busy work assignments that are due this weekend.  The small assignments are time-consuming, but I really need to study.  I'm not sure how in the world I'm going to survive... or make it through without sacrificing my sleep.  But I guess that's the fun of being in University.

At least I've got a prince to come to my rescue, to remind me that things are really and truly beautiful. Have a great weekend, loves. :3  I miss you so much. [Come see me, too. T_T  I need you guys!]

Dear diary.

For some reason, I've become addicted to starting my entries with "dear diary".  I have some impenetrable writer's block until I watch those letters resolve onto the page, screen, whatever I've decided to take my rage out on.  And then suddenly, I feel like I can open up.  It was Valentine's weekend.  Since my phone can't seem to remember the word "Valentine" and I get tired of typing it, I've started referring to it as "love day".  It's actually more direct and probably a much cuter way to say it anyway.  My love day was unromantic, in the traditional sense of the word.  It was, instead, filled with adventure. 

There's no one, it's just you still... and I'm always in love with you.

It's a good thing that I'm so in love with adventure.  I'm going to be honest, I don't remember much about last week.  For that reason, I'm going to tell this story backwards, with yesterday.  The day ended with us arriving, safely, at Rephe's place to get a parcel from his mother, which contained a supercute froggy plushie for me, from his mother.  This would be the only real Loveday present that I ended up getting.  But it smells like my prince now, and I'm going to kiss it a thousand times tonight to see if maybe it'll turn into my prince.  Step back.  We're riding home in a completely unfamiliar car.  Begrudgingly, I must admit that the steering is tighter than mine.  Acceleration is smoother.  Breaks are much more responsive-- especially compared to that halting, jerky, screaming stop that my car issued the last time I tried to stop it.  But there's not really any music to listen to.  The silent car rides are always so awkward, when it's not just prince in the car with me.

Step back. 
I'm tired, but all things considered, I feel great.  I'm blasting some kind of upbeat music-- but not too loud, because everybody's tired.  There aren't many people on the road with me.  Just a car to my side, a little bit ahead.  Everything seems fine.  And then--  Thump.  An innocuous sound, except it was really loud, and it made the car jerk and jump violently.  A few seconds of panic, and then I pull over.  But when I got to finish the stop and put us into park, a loud crash and violent shuddering.  My throat is in my stomach.  I don't even know where my stomach is now... we're in trouble.  How far out did we go?  Survey the damage.  "Jake.. go see how bad it is."  Well, the car didn't look horrible.  Something was torn off the front, and-- oh.  There.  A profuse leak.  Josh sticks his finger in the puddle.  "It's oil."  That's all I needed to know.  I called my parents, told them roughly where we were, and they tell me not to worry.  They'll be here soon.  Now all there is to do is wait.  I sit as Josh runs back to get whatever demonic thing might be in the road out, so that nobody else's car dies screaming.  He returns, minutes later, to tell us that is was a wheel flap, the colour of the pavement, which had been concealing a large metal prong.  The wind from the car must have pulled up the flap and sent the metal shooting straight into the belly of my vehicle.  ...I hadn't even seen it.  I was frustrated.  Somewhere along the ling,  Bradley finds us and sits with us, offering to help in whatever ways he can.  A cop also finds us, offers to call a towtruck.  We decide to wait for my parents.  Now my car is leaking in three places-- one of the liquids is a very strange and beautiful shade of red, and the other is another oil spill.  Turns out that I bused my oil pan, broke the transmission fluid, and destroyed various clips and pipes.  It's some pretty expensive damage.  I'm not sure what to do with myself, really.

Step back to five in the morning, Valentine's day.  I've sent Rephe downstairs to sleep in his own bed, and Josh is the only one that's still awake with me.  But I'm determined to get as many CDs re-ripped as I can, since my entire music collection had been destroyed.  But God.  I'd been working at it all day and the pile seems enormous, still.  It was starting to slow down a lot, too, and I had to be awake at eight thirty in the morning.  To drive.  I knew that I wasn't going to get a lot of presents today.  I kind of expected more texts or something.  I guess growing up means that you've got to let go of your centric universe and accept snuggles and affection for the gifts that they are.  I don't know why I ever stay up this late.  It always depresses me.  Anyway, I do appreciate every single snuggle.  And going out on dates is one of the best presents ever. I know that.  I feel that.  I just like presents.
...I guess it's time for sleep.  Step back. 
To New Orleans.  I'm a little bit cold and my hand hurts, from being hit over and over and over by flying strings of solid things.  But I have a bag between my legs full of Mardi Gras beads, and even though my parents are nearby so I can't be too affectionate, every once in a while I get to steal a hug from Rephe.  We're planning on grabbing him some Jelly Bellies later.  :3.  I'm really proud of my haul- I've gotten a some really cute beads with masks attached, and some really gigantic beads, and my mom's given me a super special one with lips that says "hug me, kiss me" that everybody seems to want.  But there are some pretty asshole people nearby.  Even though people keep pointing us out to throw, they're taller and reach in front of my face with their stupidly long arms and take everything.  But I'm still happy.  I'm celebrating here with friends.  <3

Step back.  It's two in the morning and I'm about to pass out.  I've been trying to get CDs ripped since we got home.  Rephe is in here helping me... everyone else is already asleep.  We're doing okay.  But I've noticed something about myself.  I'm not affectionate anymore.  I don't take every opportunity to snuggle, kiss, smile, tell secrets, poke at him as I can.  I never wanted to be the girl that let that kind of thing go, or that got my fill of it and was done.  I wanted to be magical and affectionate and obviously in-love forever.  How can I revive myself?  How can I un-acquaint myself, and realize that everything is absolutely special and needs to be taken in with as much passion as I can muster?  Because I don't deserve to do anything unless I do it with all the passion I've got.  And I don't want for him to ever feel alone.  I want to drown him in my feelings.  The way I drown in his passion.  Why do I ever stay up this late?  I always get so depressed when I stay up late.  Step back.  We're standing in a small crowd-- we'd decided to go to a smaller parade, with less crowds so that we could catch more beads.  Anyway, I love Selene parades.  We just got out of the Wal-Greens... everyone had been freezing because it was actually pretty cold out here.  The stuffies in there were amazingly cute.  I've always wanted a giant stuffy, and they had frogs.  This whole frog prince thing has been a huge theme for me lately.  My dad had bought some light sabers earlier, and gave one to Rephe since they broke apart.  It was really pretty.   Back to the point.  I'm hardly noticing the floats go by.  My mind's racing with happy things.  How we huddled together like penguins for warmth and how daddy goes out of his way to talk to my prince.  Mom's not quite to that point yet, but... I really couldn't ask for more.  Anyway, I've caught us a potato sack to shove our beads into.  When everyone noticed that I had it, they all rushed over to shove their in, too, even though we'd been standing a good distance apart.  I was especially happy when I caught a string that lit up.  :3  Stupid things make me feel special.  Like strings of beads and tiny presents.

Step back.  We're at the dinner table, at home.  My mom had kept some chicken warm for us, and it really was delicious, but I wasn't paying attention to it at all.  I was busy staring at my ipod.  My last one had met an unfortunate end and my itouch (which dad had given to me from a conference) was too small for my music, so my parents went ahead and bought me a new one.  The back said "With all our love" and "Helen Marie Bliss".  Not what I would have chosen, which honestly meant that I'd appreciate this one more.  I was completely obsessed.  My mother was quickly transforming from amused to annoyed, though.  I'd better put it down.  Step back. Birmingham, early morning.  Jake can't find his papers and everything is going wrong. Plus, it was supposed to snow today.  People here don't know how to drive in the snow, and I've been forbidden from driving if it snowed because it was likely to be very very dangerous.  I really, really wanted to take this trip home this weekend.  I look outside-- there it is.  The snow, and it's piling up on the ground.  Quick, executive decision-- go anyway, or play in the snow?  ...I'm not missing this trip.  But I'm going to grab my camera and take pictures in the snow, anyway.  Rephe and I play around for a while, taking pictures of ourselves in it, shivering... I feel it on my tongue.  This is why I want to live in the north.  I don't even feel the cold, when it's all powdered p on the ground, making the world sparkle.

I honestly don't remember what happened before this weekend.  We went to Macaroni Grill and had, no joke, the best pasta I've ever tried.  And it wasn't too expensive.  And when you combine that with a tablecloth made of paper and crayons to doodle with, Olive Garden begins looking like a joke.  Seriously, drawing on the table while your happy customers wait for food?  Great idea.  Apparently, I sat up in the middle of the night while Brittany was over and started asking her where Brittany was because I couldn't find Brittany.  >_>;

My favorite floats in the parade were the bear float, the neverland float, the princess float, and the alice in wonderland float.  :3  I freaking love parades.  Especially ones that you get to drag home bags of free stuff from...  Ah.  It's snowing again.  What are the chances.... we haven't had snow that stuck to the ground since the beginning of time, and now it's come twice in one week... :3 I'm off to go enjoy it.
Thanks for listening, diary.  Writing keeps me sane.

Dear Diary.

I guess I'm getting used to writing just once a week.  The thing is, the meaningful things only happen on the weekend... when I just so happen to be without internet and/or free time to write.  Anyway, I also happen to use weekends for cramming in sociolinguistics homework and microbiology studying.  Despite the lighter workload this semester, I've still got a lot of work to get done... and anyway... I've got a lot to be stressed out about.  I really feel like I do, although I admit that I'm probably not going through anything new to the world.  It's still all real to me.

I went with Rephe on Friday to get his doctor worked out.  The guy that we saw was completely awesome.  He was giving my prince all of this advice about how to get onto his feet and whatnot.  Stuff that we probably wouldn't have thought of or found on our own.  But we spent all morning and part of the afternoon at the hospital.  And since I'd parked by a parking meter, every two hours (and there were several sets of those), I kept having to run outside to refill the meter.  I think it was kind of exciting, in the end.  We had to figure a lot of stuff out (like how to reach certain elusive parts of the building via secret telephones) on our own, and we had to meet like thousands of people and figure out how to get everything together smoothly.  I'm surprised that it worked out at all, with me on the case.  But every time I have to face something new with this guy, whether it works out or not, I always come away feeling like I've just done something really fateful.  That's what he does to me.  He makes everything significant.

The night before, he had to run with me to my car in the most freezing rain I'd ever lived through.  It was so freaking windy and chilling that I'm absolutely certain that I felt ice forming in my lungs as we reached the garage for my car.  It was painful to breathe.  But Rephe and I were running through it together, and we agreed that it was kind of exciting to be so exhilarated.  But I can't help but feel that that little run might have contributed incredibly to the debilitating sick that struck me the next day.  You see, Rephe had been sick for the entire week.  For that reason, I kept him with me part of the time.  Anyway, Snow White is really good at taking care of people and she hates being alone, & he didn't want to be alone and vomiting everywhere all week.  And he did spend the week vomiting and lying around sleeping and not being able to even retain fluids.  He had a fever and was weak and had all kinds of symptoms and I spent the whole week raging out and thinking about taking him back to the E.R., but opting out of it because I knew we were going to be taking him Friday.  They didn't do anything about it, by the way.  And back to the point, I caught it the next day.  It started with a headache.  Then incredible stomach weakness, loss of appetite, feeling extremely cold and having a fever. Rephe let me take a bath when I felt cold, even though my temperature was up.  Twice.  :3 Then every one of my muscles hurt for the rest of the night.  So I spent the night being weak and unable to sleep at times and hating my life, but being somehow bubbly.  I'm always so happy when I'm sick.

Rephe got his Valentine's day present!  It's really pretty... a silver ring with black diamonds... they are incredibly sparkly.  I kind of glow when I glance at him and notice him wearing it.  I've also put aside enough money to take him on another date.  Maybe a Five Guys date, since he's been asking for one.  :3.  Even though this Valentine's day seems like it's going to be marked by complete poverty and not too many presents... I'm grateful.  Because what I really wanted was a mark, and something that I'd never had before, and that's exactly what I've been given.  Plus, we're going to have had two amazing Valentine's dates.  I wonder if there's anything else I should get him.  That's going to make me happier than anything else... but Rephe is amazing.  I know that I'm going to be happy this year.  :3 What is everybody else doing?  <3  I wonder.

Five months.  ^_-.  It was amazing fun... just hanging out in Sam's, munching on yummy food and watching Scrubs.  That's exactly what I want.  It's perfect.  … Even though it's been a complicated thing to set up (I'm still tearing through the setbacks), I'm thrilled about going to New Orleans this weekend for Mardi Gras.  I'm going to get so many beads!!  I think that should be part of the date, too.  XD Parades are romantic, right?  I think that, maybe... if we hold hands...

Happy Valentine's day, guys.

I always have melancholy days when I have melancholy dreams.  Last night, it was difficult to fall asleep.  I dreamt that I was in a relationship that I just felt so trapped in.  ...I felt trapped in everything about my world.  So I ran away. Or tried, but I realized that I'd never actually get anywhere.  But it was either die out there trying to find a more exciting life, or die living my mundane one.  I just felt desperate.  And in the next dream, I was dating a rich guy.  And he cared about me, but I didn't fit into his world.  Everything was pristine and snobby and he could only do so much to protect me.  I was drowning in that life, too.

This weekend was eventful and totally fun.  Now that I think about it, last weekend was, too.  But I still feel a bit stressed, and trapped.  I guess that explains the dreams.  Being the solitary kind of person that I am, I think I have to have a certain amount of time to myself to feel like myself-- to be comfortable.  And I wouldn't take a second of this weekend back, but I really want some time to just sit down and think or read or play games now.  So next weekend, Jake and I have decided to spend alone... snuggling and watching movies and playing games again.  :3  Those weekends are always my favorite, anyway.

Next weekend, we're going to Louisiana to watch some parades and eat King Cake.  Yum..

This weekend-- and for the sake of this entry, the weekend starts on Wednesday [XD], started with a trip to Olive Garden.  Rephe had a gift card (and Josh did, too), so we went to eat some yummy pasta and have some sangria (...which is still disappointing here, after having  been in Spain).  We managed to make Rephe drink enough to be bubbly and slightly dizzy, so Josh and I took him into the mall to watch him stagger around.  He was cute.  :3  He did things like hug televisions and say that they were smooth and whine when he found a really cute shirt and I wouldn't buy it.  For some reason, Josh decided to buy him a big (and kind of expensive) box of legos.  Which is great, since I didn't have the money to afford it and I really wanted for him to get it because it really made him happy.  I stayed over that night to watch him construct it. ...It was pretty awesome.  The wings do pretty cool things.

The next night (Thursday night), Brittany, Josh, Rephe and I went to iHOP to have some dinner.  I had some kind of sandwich, but we all shared anyway, so I ended up eating some omelet, some cheesecake pancake, and a crepe.  It was all kind of amazing.  It was all much better when we started throwing ice down each others' shirts and making puddles of water everywhere.  We were in there forever making silly jokes.  ^_^

The next day was supposed to be movie day.  For some reason, movie day never works quite right.  Suffice it to say that Josh and Brittany gave us some money to get some drinks (strawberry cream tequila and rum, among other things) and that I have a much higher alcohol tolerance than I thought.  Anyway, it was fun, but it didn't get too bad.  We mostly ended up playing rock band and acting crazy when Brittany was on the phone with various people. 

The next day, everyone left.  I watched Beauty and the Beast with Rephe.  I forgot to mention!  We took a trip to Sam's and got some delicious vegetables and lots of yummy chicken and stuff.  I was really proud of us for getting so much useful stuff within his budget.  Anyway, he was making these amazing chicken wraps with chopped up peppers and cheese... amg.  I love wraps.  Specially Rephe's.  He has got the best sense of flavour.

...The rest of the weekend was just homework.  Homework that I'm kind of still working on.  XP.  And other miniscule details that I really want to expound upon, but I've really got to wrap up and go to class now.  Anyway, I'm not feeling poetic enough to give things like bath time and breaking Jake's bed justice quite yet.  :3

I miss you guys I miss you guys I miss you guys.

Today is a laid-back day.  Jake and I have plans to go with Josh to eat at Olive garden later.  I'm dressed up for that, kind of.  I have a pretty shirt on and I'm wearing the cluster pearl necklace he gave me ages ago, when he made me cry and Maku didn't want to stand up for me because he thought it was all silly.  Until Josh gave me this necklace to apologize.  Then he cared.  He was livid that somebody would give me something like that.  But it's not like he ever did, either. 

Wow, putting aside the bottled rage... the necklace is really pretty, and it's pretty much all I need to feel like whatever I'm doing is fancy and sparkling.  No kidding;  I took Jake to get some papers this morning and we had to walk about eight blocks down and eight blocks back, and the entire time, I felt special.  :3  Except I also felt somewhat distant.   I do that a lot lately... I just zone out and stop wanting to be around anyone.  I'm usually thinking about what it would be like to be a hero, or a tragic princess, or forge something epic... instead of actually forging something epic.  I don't know how to stop it.

I am, on the other hand, taking a trip to an office depot later tonight to buy some new pens to inspire myself to use my journals.  I've finally decided what to do; one is for short stories and essays, one is for when I'm bubbly and want to write but have nowhere to write... and one is to develop my novel.  The one that I started developing last year and gave up, because I figured that it was going to drift away like all of my ideas.  But it's stuck with me, and it hasn't actually evolved into something completely different.  That's how I know that this is the one that I'm going to work on.  I get really charged up whenever I think about it.  :3  The first pages are going to be for character development.

So tonight is Olive garden night.  And some Wednesday soon, we're going to go bowling.  Among the other "to be realized" plans that we've made are: going to Roanoke to take Jake mudding, movie night, Flip, Mardi Gras, the beach... and to see people, but that's all when we have the money.  First, we have Bradley's birthday and the rest of Christmas presents.  :  I'm hoping for a lucky break soon, because even when we're trying to live simply and not blow through money, we never have any saved up... and we've got some big plans.

I finally know what I'm going to do with myself if this AMNP program falls through.  <3

It's really mortifying when you've got strict parents that are judgmental and somewhat controlling (<3 even though I'm grateful for it) randomly open up a facebook without letting you know and then call you to tell you that they don't like your picture.  XDXD.  But it's been kind of amusing, rushing through all of my profile and hiding things because I know that they're going to find ways to spy now.  Something else that's amusing... Joshua sent Rephe another message via youtube, telling him that if he didn't break up with me, the consequences would be major.  But he's not even bothering to talk with me anymore..

Apparently I've been grinding my teeth hard core at night.  I don't really feel like I'm sleeping at all either, even though I get really decent amounts of sleep.

...I wanted to say something meaningful, like You're my meaning, but I think you know.  I love you.
:3  And all of you.  Have a lovely week.

Dear Diary.

This weekend was supposed to be a movie weekend.  Josh was going to come over and we were going to spend a night watching movies.  He did end up coming over, but when he arrived, Rephe and I were already on Episode IV of Lego Star Wars, and Josh sat down to watch us beat the level.  Soon enough, he was waving a wiimote around wildly and yelling at his ship as it crashed into other ships and beaming triumphantly with us as True Jedi status was achieved.  This is only a slight exaggeration.  We stayed up until four in the morning trying to finish the saga... he crashed on the couch and we woke up and completed the game in the morning. 

And then Josh, being the spoil-Sephy-rotten guy that he is, took us to eat at Panera bread and then we wandered around the bookstore, where he ended up buying me a new purple diary that has a magnet latch and a pocket in the back... and words scrawled across the front.  The point is that it's pretty, and that wasn't all that he did for us this weekend.  I really don't understand this guy.  But I love him all the more.

My favorite thing to get from Panera is still a Chipotle sandwich, broccoli and cheddar soup, and a good Jones soda, though.  I'm pretty sure that I could be watching the sky rend apart and demons coming to eat me and I'd be satisfied with my life, so long as I was having Panera as my last meal.  Speaking of which, I'm disappointed that our Sonic no longer sells chocolate cream pie shakes.    Chocolate cream pie shakes used to be one of my absolute favorite drinks...

Rephe gets anxious in huge crowds.  Plus, neither of us are really going to have any money next month, since Jake has all of his rent and housekeeping expenses and it's Bradley's birthday and we have to go and see my parents and I'm still not even done with Christmas.  Because of all of that, we decided to take a step back and take our Valentine's date on Friday.  We went to this new burger place called Flip.  Two Flips exist: one in Atlanta, and one here.  This place is beautiful.  The ceiling is all graffiti'd out, the booths were white bubble-cushioned with high, domed tops... the lights were these silver reflective circular globes... it looked modern, pristine, and really suave.  It seemed like the place to be... especially with its N2 milkshakes-- they add N2 to make the shakes steam, and they're in wonky flavors like pistachio truffle, krispy kreme, and pumpkin pie.  Plus, their burgers are all really unique-- things like chipotle flavored, or korean barbeque flavored.  And God, it was delicious... plus, it didn't break my budget at all.  This is, without a doubt, my favorite date place.  I'm thinking that I've finally found a place magical enough to call ours.

Even though it's going to put me in the poor house, I'm still giving Rephe a proper present and another date for Valentine's day.  And other meaningful things.  Like promises.  Even though, sometimes, I find promises a little bit tenuous, and difficult to have faith in.
They're just stepping stones to something stronger, for us, for now.

We randomly stumbled upon "failbooking.com"... Rephe and I have been laughing about it uproariously for the past couple of hours.  Really..  I just looked at the clock and was extremely perturbed and distressed to realize that I've actually got to get to bed so that I'm not late for classes tomorrow.  Anyway, this site is just full of stupid people on facebook and whatnot.  I've been remembering how lucky I am to have someone to laugh like that with.  And how amazing it is to be the one that's hearing him laugh.  Jake has the most innocent laugh.  As if he's not holding anything back. It makes me smile harder.  Especially when I can tell that he's laughing so hard that it hurts.  X3  I remember laughing like that (shh, I've done it a couple times tonight, too). 

Anyway, it's sleeytime for classes.  I love you~
Mrow.  :3