One of the most frustrating feelings in the world is knowing exactly what you want to say and then actually saying it, and watching your words disappear entirely.  I don't even know what happened.  As I was typing the entry, a window kept popping up asking if I wanted to go back, and I kept hitting "cancel".  I was confused, since I certainly wasn't hitting back, my mouse was hanging out in the textbox, and I know which keys I was hitting, and none of them were leavethispage keys.  But while I was typing the last sentence, the box popped up again.  While I was hitting a spacebar.  And I watched everything that I'd wanted to say disappear.  .  You'd think that after so many times, someone would get used to these setbacks.  That's a benefit of keeping a handwritten journal... your words don't mysteriously vanish, sometimes.  And it's in your handwriting.  And tangible.  If it didn't take so much time, and if I didn't write so much that it would make my hands hurt, I'd keep another handwritten diary.  The worst part is that words will only spill out the same way once, and I happened to really love the way that they had arranged themselves before.  But alas.  Here we go again:

Dear Diary.

I can't imagine the agony that my mother must have felt the day that she sat down in her car and rode the four hour drive to her empty house, after she helped me move into my dorm in Birmingham.  I can't imagine how empty it must seem, after living with someone that you love, and love to live with-- to have to go home to a place devoid of that person, and to know that you can't just see them whenever the loneliness gets too heavy.  I can't pretend to want to know how much that must hurt.  I'm only just starting to realize.

There's a lot about her that I didn't understand... and I'm sure that I still take much of her for granted.  I hope that, in the end, it all seems worth it to her.  I hope that she's happy.  She deserves it so much, and I feel completely powerless.  And ignorant.

The best news is the Jake is moved into his new place, and his roommate doesn't suck.  To the contrary, I like his roommate.  He's friendly and sweet and seems to be a reliable guy.  Plus, he's easygoing.  Anthony seems like a lot of fun.  Jake's room is pretty nice.  He's got a lot of storage and it's bigger than my place... we (including Josh and Brittany) spent all of Wednesday moving stuff in and organizing a bit.  We were going to have a movie night over the weekend, with Josh and Brittany sleeping over and lots of ice cream and fun... but Josh came down with a virus and Brittany's family had a tragedy... so it was just Jake and I.  We didn't waste the extended weekend, though.  Instead, we spent it entirely on his bed, playing Zelda & Mario, or watching House & Scrubs, with intermittent breaks to grab stuff from my dorm (like my TV and Wii) or to eat ice cream or other yummy things that Jake made.  It was entirely lazy.  & amazing.

My place looks entirely empty, now.  But that's fine, since I wanted to get all of my stuff out of here before the semester ended.  I feel like it's past time to move on from school housing.  It's not that it's terrible.  It's secure, convenient, and pretty alright.  But it's confining, too... and I feel like I'm just ready for a new place.  Anyway, I'm not used to staying in the same place for too long... and if I'm going to settle down, I don't want it to be in this cramped room, with all of its restrictions and random roommates. 

I think that what's more pathetic is the fact that even though he's only a few miles away, I feel desperately regretful because I didn't turn my car around to share just one more drink with him and enjoy his company for a couple more hours.  It's sickeningly cute, or just sickening, how I forget to feel alive without Rephe.

Eventually, there may be some pictures popping up around here.  Since we had a long weekend (and Josh bought me a clubbing dress that's purple and really cute... but  I don't go clubbing), we took a trip to the gardens.  The weather was amazing and it was pretty out.  It was the only day this weekend that wasn't rainy (for cuddling).  So we explored areas that we don't usually go to, like a little green gazebo and the barren rose-garden.  :3  I notice that we talked an awful lot, too.  I like that about him... no matter how much we've already said, I always have good conversations with him.

So this weekend was fantastic.  The entire week was... And moving back and forth between all of these houses made me think.  It was always supposed to be Dal.  I'm living with roommates now, like Lane and Brittany, Kush... even Josh & Jake could be considered.   I've enjoyed my time with all of them.  Especially lately.  And I've been thinking about the way that these people make me happy, and what I want to do to make them happy.  How much I'm afraid to spend a second without them.  If I lived with Dal, I'd come home with a slushie every single day so we can sit and babble about how crappy life was without each other.  God, I miss her.
And James.  I don't take my time with you for granted.  I'm sure that I don't make as much of it as I could, but God, am I happy for every single second.  I love you.  Be happy, it's only a couple days until I race back over to you.  I miss you...

Even the stars refuse to shine.  [you&Icollide].

I feel...

angry:  Rephe finally has a rooming arrangement.  They're letting him walk in tomorrow, sign his lease, and move in.  I hope nothing goes wrong, because this situation has been stressing me out so much that I'm pretty sure I'm near the point of exploding.  The thing is, Bradley, who has been pestering us for weeks and begging us to get his stuff out of there, is a complete douche.  I know that he's family & that I should support him-- should, but I really can't right now.  Recall that he spent all of last semester at my dorm... without permission.  But now, when I'm risking being thrown out on my ass because Jake can't stay here anymore, Bradley isn't willing to keep him there for a single night because "he hasn't asked his roommates and it would be rude" or somesuch.  I can't believe that he's been so rude when I've done my dead- level best to include him and talk to him... maybe I'm terrible at making people feel loved.  But I tried.  Anyway, he's been whining at us to get Jake's stuff out. Great.  Tomorrow, we finally can... except that Bradley "has stuff to do" and won't be able to let us get it until after nine.  What?  Seriously, what?  If you want this crap out, don't make this inconvenient for us, or my vindictive butt will keep his stuff there until well after your little "angel" comes to visit and sees what a slob you are.  And while we're at it, I'll tell her all about how selfish and needy you are.  That's sure to make you look great.  Self-serving little.. Also, why the hell hasn't my professor turned in my recommendation?  If he seriously falls through, and destroys my shot before I'm even in the running...

excited: Rephe has a place to live.  I'm going to help him move in tomorrow.  He's finally going to live here officially... and now we'll have to spend more time apart.  Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm excited about spending more time apart.  I feel like I've grown complacent and too codependent lately.  And anyway, there's a lot that I feel like I'd be missing if we didn't stop and take this delicately.  I think I'll appreciate our time more when I'm thrown back into the confines of a more normal relationship, with the date nights and spending all night talking on the phone, with having to plan times to see each other because we've got different schedules, with having the time to read and think about things, with the pain of missing each other.  Growing into ourselves with each other... maybe being apart will help that.  Or maybe I'm trying to convince myself, because I know that even this tiny change is going to make me miss him incredibly.  But still, I'm excited, because I really think that this will give me clarity, when it comes to us... what us means.  It's important that I realize.  I think that it's all necessary for me to grow into really appreciating him.  And to really love him, although I swear that I love him as well as I can already.  I just don't want to miss anything.  Also, this weekend is a four day weekend for me!  Rephe and I are going to drive to Tuscaloosa and find a Hudson's... we might go sight-seeing or something, too..  and we're going to go on a photoshoot (maybe at the garden!) and we're also going to eat at Olive Garden with Josh.  I don't know what else is going to happen... I'm still convinced that we should spend a day playing board games.  I can't wait to have a date with him.  This man does the most amazing things, I swear.  Like making music that's intricate and deep.  He's the only one that I can still really have deep conversations with.  He's fantastic.

happy:  I came home today to a new frog prince keychain (I'd lost my old one) and another pearl necklace from Josh.  It's really pretty... I don't know why he still bothers to spoil me at all, but it always cheers me up.  It seems like he knows exactly when I need it.  Rephe also cooked something amazing tonight... it was just baby sausages with rice, but it tasted fantastic.  And my classes seem like fun.

creeped out:  Patrick may be in my microbiology lab.  He didn't show up today, but he was on the roll.  The only empty seat left is right next to me.  I'm really hoping that he's dropped it... I know that I made mistakes in my past.  I know that I can be a horrible person.  God, I don't want to face it every other day this semester.  I've been trying to move past it.  Also: there's a guy at my church, Joshua.  He has a huge crush on me, but he's autistic... so I didn't tell him anything but that we should just be friends.  When he found out that I had a boyfriend, he tracked down Rephe's youtube page (we can't figure out how, my pages are all private and he's not friends with me on any social networking sites) and left a comment that simply said "bitch ass".  ...That's going too far.  He neither knows this guy personally enough to make that judgment nor should have the resources to find him in the first place. 

Now that that's all out, I have to go and play Mario with my amazing prince, now..
I'm happy here. <3

I'm writing this as I watch Rephe play Twilight Princess.  I'd only seen snatches of it before... it really is a beautiful game.  And I've always loved watching people play games.  :3 I can't really explain why, but today, it feels like a date. <3. The first couple days of school went by quickly and easily.  I only had one class yesterday.  Microbiology.  It was nothing like I thought it would be.  And I've been to Statistics today... I've got to go to a Spanish class later.  It ends at 9:30 at night.  I was hoping that I'd never have to take another night class, but I ended up with two.  It turns out that every advanced level Spanish class is a night class.  ...Yayy.  The upside is that I don't have classes on Friday anymore, and I never have to wake up early, since my first classes start at eleven. 

It's snowing outside.  Not just a few flurries, and not hardcore.  It's just... snowing.  Just enough to fill the sky with white floating crystals.  They all melt as they hit the ground, but I'm hopeful... if it keeps up, I'm sure that some is bound to stick.  And if it keeps falling tomorrow, or if there's some on the ground tomorrow, I'm taking Rephe on a snowdate.  We can take pictures or leave tracks somewhere... maybe even collect enough to make a pitiful little snowball and name it and keep it as a pet...

Birmingham doesn't really feel like home right now.  Maybe it's because I've never lived in a place for more than four years (so my time here is up).  Or maybe it's because that one month in Louisiana was the happiest month of my life.  It's not that I feel particularly vulnerable here, but for once I felt completely safe, protected, whimsical in Louisiana.  I get the impression that my parents can do anything.  Help me out of anything.  Protect me from anything.  And Jake, too.  For the first time,  I feel like their affection extends to the person I love... who I'd throw myself out to protect.  When I'm here, I feel like I have to be thick-skinned and walled.  I have to look out for myself, here.  And anyway, this city isn't as warm and cozy as home.  And it's the first time that I've really felt this way about Louisiana and my parents.  It's the first time since I've been here that I didn't feel like Birmingham was my home.  I've always been magnetized to this city... anxious to come back when I was away.  But now... I miss the warmth that was this break... this Christmas.  I still can't get over how amazing the Christmas was. 
It was hard to leave home.

Lately, I've been a bit of a hermit.  I haven't really wanted contact with anybody [but Rephe, of course].  Sometimes, I've felt a bit melancholy.  Usually, I just kind of... want to be alone.  Today I want to be alone.  I feel happy... excited, even.  But I don't feel like I'm ready to deal with people.  But I miss you guys, so you should text me.  :3  <3. 

Today, I think I'm supposed to shoot off fireworks with Seth and Jakey.  And my parents want to drink sparkling cider and have our quiet little countdown, quickly followed by bedtime.  It sounds... cozy and quiet.  I'm extremely excited and determined to make it an awesome night.  Jake is here, and that means that I'm going to find a way to steal a kiss. ...& start my New Year's off with nothing but him on my mind.  It's supposed to set the stage for a close, affectionate relationship throughout the rest of the year. I was looking up other New Year's superstitions, too, such as making sure that the first man to cross into the household has dark hair (..a woman brings disaster).  And making sure that your wallet has lots of money in it, to bring fortune.  I think I'd be okay with just my kiss and a lot of laughter, tonight.  Maybe we should play some games and cook our own meal.  Or watch movies.  Is it really like me, to make plans so last minute?  But I feel like it's destined to be an amazing night, no matter what happens... :3  !Resolutions!  I haven't really thought about them, yet.  Thinking back on the person that I was this past year... Haha, I don't know if I really was anything at all this year.  It seems like I just melted away and worked from one dream to the next, most of the time.  There was a lot of cramming my butt off to save some grades.  I wasn't very good at learning things, for some reason.  I may have been distracted.  I went to Spain this summer!  That was the most adventurous, magical thing that's ever happened to me... that entire journey, an entire summer on my own.  No parents, no group of friends to protect me.  Just myself, a group of other students, and a gigantic, beautiful city full of Castles and art.  I made some bad decisions this year.  I had some pretty big secrets (like some drives to Missouri to meet a Prince).  I abandoned a person that didn't really have the passion that I need in my life.  And found someone who's got it (& everything else that's beautiful), even though doors have always been closing on him.  One of my vows, for the New Year, is going to be to protect Rephe.  After everything he's faced, I want for him to be... held.  I'm also going to resolve to eat out less.  :3  I'm going to resolve to not panic whenever school ends and my future is looming before me, blank and endless.  I'm going to resolve to take more time off for dates.  I'm going to resolve to smile more.  And to try to make other people smile more.  I'm resolving to try to talk on the phone more, or at least be on IM, or playing games with Dal more... whatever it takes to keep them closer.

I've been spending this week writing essays and pulling together references to apply to graduate school.  I'm starting to have to face the possibility that I won't make it.  I don't think my parents want to send me through more classes if I so happen to fail, so... If I don't make it, I'll be looking for a small job to fill in the gaps until next year, when I can reapply.  I think I'm determined to have this job.  It's not what I would have expected for myself, but now that I'm here...  I really want it.  I think that it sounds perfect for me.  ...I think that it'll remind me to live as much as I can, and that's important.  I've also seen all of season five of House, watched Star Trek, played a lot of Wii games (like Pikmin, and A Boy and his Blob)... I've been shopping a lot.  I'm still sick, by the way... I've been sick since I came home.  But I feel it dying out, finally.  :3  It's been a great week.  I wish that life could stay like this, for just a little bit longer.

My future scares me. 

I've been talking to someone from my past, and it's gotten me thinking... thinking.  About love.
And what I could be doing.  And what I want to be defined by. 

Romantic.

I've also been thinking about the past.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like I'm close to something beautiful.  These connections that we make are... significant.  I want to talk about it, but I don't know how.

...Celebrate hard tonight.  But not too hard.  :3 Make some pretty lights and laugh a lot.
Remember me.
I love you. <3

Dear diary.
I'm not sure how I feel right now.  I caught Jake's cold.  It started with stuffy sinuses... I thought I was just having allergies.  But last night, my nose started running, and I remembered that Jake's cold started that way.  ...Within the hour, I was freezing, my throat hurt, and I had an incredible pressure headache.   I couldn't sleep because both of my nostrils were plugged up, until Jake came and took care of me.  But the sleep didn't last long.  I've never had a sick quite like this one.  The pressure headache is enough to make me regret every breath I take, and cold medicine seems to be ineffective.  On every front.  I'm still excited.  I like being sick.  I like how alive it makes me feel... I wonder if I'll lose my voice?

The other day, Jake and I went out to buy presents for my parents & Bradley.  I love going Christmas shopping.  I love deliberating about presents, and spending hours looking at cheerful things and trying to think about what would make people happy.  I usually have to go out several times and spend all day out each time.  I like to think that I'm careful.  I enjoy the pressure to find something awesome for everyone.  But this time... Jake had such clear ideas about my parents & stuff.  And his ideas were ... perfect.  We spent all of one day out, and when we came home I felt... accomplished, and triumphant, and really happy about everything that we found.  Everything just kind of came together, when he became a part of it.  And I'm happy about that. I'm happy about how perfect it all seems.  We deliberated... about where to get specific things, or which variation of thing to get, but all of the choices seemed obvious, this time.  That's never happened for me before.  I'm absolutely certain that everybody's going to love it.  This really is going to be the best Christmas I've ever had.
...I'm more excited than I've been since I was a child.

My aunt and uncle are coming, too.  "The more the merrier", so to speak. And I'm thrilled, because more people usually means more noise and more cozy and more laughing. Like I said, everything's coming together to make this perfect.  And I have no idea why I deserve to be a part of it.  But I'm happy.

... Yesterday, my parents took us out to finish shopping.  Jake and I finished buying presents for each other there.  We actually had each others' input, so I guess both of us know part of what we're getting.  Both of us also know that we're at least getting something that we really like. .  He's beating me, now.  He's bought sweeter things and spent more than I possibly could.  I feel like a failure... I don't know that a boyfriend's ever actually won at Christmas before.  Anyway, we had fun, running around the outlet, & then eating Chinese with my parents.  They spoil him.  They really do, and I don't know why.  It's something that I've only seen them do for me before... it's shocking.  I feel like they must really like him, if they're going this far to try to make him happy.  They bought him shoes, yesterday, and then they took us to Hudson's.  And we found an awesome jacket for him, but they weren't going to buy it because it was kind of expensive.  But it seemed like he really wanted it, and I watched them struggle for a minute.  They didn't want to disappoint him.  So they bought it.  Everything seems so perfect.  My parents seem to really like him, & I love him.  So much that the word finally seems like enough.  Because I keep learning what it means.  He's the force that drives me.  I feel like he always has been, as much as I can feel that way without encroaching on God's place in my life.. and Dal's.  God first.  I feel complete.  I feel like I live when he's around.  And like I'll forget what that means if he leaves.

Which is why it really, really hurts when I feel like my love isn't coming through to him.  He made a list of the things that he was feeling, last night.  Melancholy things, like that it seems like I'm always mad at him, that our sweet moments "never stick", how I push the things that matter to him away when he's embraced everything that I love... they're all true things. I didn't realize that I was doing such a bad job... I thought that this was happy. I thought that he was happy.  And I'm definitely blaming myself, because if he feels so tremulous, then I'm failing to love him.  I just... wasn't aware that it was so bad.  I wasn't aware that I was always mad.  That I was so negligent.  That I was so careless and unattached.  He means the universe to me.  And I want him to feel it.  It's depressing-- I feel like a failure if my love isn't getting through to him.  If I'm not making him happy, incredibly happy, for at least most of the time.  I want the best for him.  Is that here?  ...I'm trying.

And I need him.  I'm sorry that I didn't apologize for so long.  That I'm walking all over it.  I didn't know.. I didn't. 

This Christmas is going to be the best ever... even still.

I love you guys, so so much.  Be happy.  :3

I'm done with exams.  I'm done.  With exams.  They didn't go well.  Oh, how they didn't go well.  But I made it through alive.  I'm tired and my spirit is dragging along behind me on the ground.  But I'm alive.  And my mother called me about letting Jake come over.  She said no, and we proceeded to have a gigantic fight (right in front of Jake ._.)... but she gave in and he's coming back.  He's going to have to do a lot of sucking up to her to get her to enjoy this at all.  I hope that this fight didn't change her disposition about him to something less than pleasant forever.  I'm just happy that I get to spend my favorite holiday with him (:3)... and then New Year's!  This is going to be magical.  Oh, I hope it snows.  And we get to burn some fires and have warm cocoa and be cozy.  But mother made a rule: I can't touch Jake at all in front of her.  Not even for a relatively innocent hug.  XD...

I'm planning to spend a lot of time playing games with Jake and my cousin.  And watching Firefly.  And doing Christmas shopping.  Even though the apartment situation isn't remotely resolved, once we step out of this dorm, I'm counting on not coming back in here with him.  For a while, at least.  So I guess we'll have to do a lot of shopping in Louisiana, or in Missouri...  I still don't even know what I'm going to buy for people (or who I'll be buying for)-- especially Jake.  I don't know how to blow him out of the water with presents.. I don't even know where to start.    But challenges are fun, and I want to make this special for him.  I just wish I had more money/ time.

My hot water keeps breaking.  T_T.

Happy thought of the day: my baby Christmas tree.  It's like a foot and a half tall and covered in little red baubles and white lights, and it's very warm and cheerful looking.  Merry December.  :3

Another setback:  Jake's application to The Heights was denied because his guarantor had bad credit.  He makes enough money to pay the rent himself, but their policy is that he needs a guarantor, and we don't know who else to go to.  The huge problems with this are:  I can't just let him stay here, with or without me, for much longer;  I'm going home for Christmas break soon, and if my parents don't want him coming with me, I don't know where else he could go; everywhere else that we've looked is way too expensive.  Not that The Heights is the pinnacle of apartmentage.. I'm not that excited about the place, myself.  It's just all we have, and our time is fast running out.  When you're out of options, what do you do?  I always thought that being in tight situations spurred brilliancy-- desperation leads to trying harder, better ideas, and somehow making things work.  And I've got faith that we'll be okay.  I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be doing, and the ideas aren't coming.  We don't have much time.

That being said, I'm surprised that we've made it this far.  This entire semester feels like a gigantic trial.  I've got three days of exams coming up (I'm hardly prepared)... but if I can make it through in one piece, I'm done.  I can go out and get presents, I can wander around and look at Christmas lights, I can play games for days on end... and for a very short while, I've got nothing to worry about.  But next semester is the crux.  Next semester, everything comes together or falls apart.  I'm afraid of next semester.. . but it's all starting, now.

It's so cold!  And the hot water isn't working.  But I've been making cocoa more frequently and using fuzzy socks and hoodies to keep warm.  I hear that it's snowing everywhere but here, and the thought makes me happy.  I love December.  Even though I'm tense, and distressed, and making countless mistakes every time I turn around... I like where I am.  Where my life is, and how it turned out.  It's amazing, to look at yourself and realize that who you are is absolutely who you want to be.  Mistakes and all.  Even though, if I could help it, I'd be smarter again, and less temperamental, and maybe less strong-willed.  I've got so many flaws... I could do away with a few of them.  But there's so much about what's happening and who I feel I've turned into that I treasure.  Like how beautiful everything seems, and what a nerd I am.  How I don't mind getting dirty, and love playing games.  How I hate being wrong and how I make dumb animal noises when I'm surprised and how I squeal when I encounter a bell... :3 

By the way, Jake, happy today.  I love you.
Here's to many more todays. <3

Everybody else.. I miss you.  Keep me updated, somehow.. and be happy. 

To put it simply, we're on house arrest.  Since my visitation rights have been revoked and we really have nowhere else to stick Jake, I've decided to leave the apartment only when I have exams (which I'm to be studying for.  I can't wait until this semester ends.  Scholastically, it was one disaster after another) and then to go to Missouri, and home.  I still don't know what to do for Christmas.   I'm sorry to say, I cannot afford to go to Georgia.  It isn't the money; I've been reprimanded for using so much mileage on my car, and I have to drive Jake back to Missouri-- he needs to finish things up there again.  So I can't just go anywhere else.  My concern now is where he'll be during the holiday itself.  Ideally, I'd rather he be with me.  Especially since my mother, despite her earnestly trying to dislike this boy (for various reasons, such as "he's your boyfriend", "he's not pretty enough", and "I didn't see this coming") finds herself thinking that Jake is beautiful and that she likes being around him.  But I can't drag him home for an intimate holiday alone.  That's too presumptuous.  And my cousin, with his infinite knowledge, has decided that we all hate him, living here isn't what he thought it would be (nobody is quite sure what he expected), and he'd rather go home, where his mother can wait on him and never ever let him feel alone at all.

...I'm just a bit bitter.  None of this it turning out the way it was supposed to.  I'm still here, together, and somehow dragging my way through, but there are so many things falling through the cracks and so many near-misses... I'm not sure how much I can take.  On the plus side, I have a little bit of money for presents.  Not enough to buy anybody what I would have wanted to, but having anything at all to give people cheers me up.  This semester is just days away from completion.  Jake (my prince Rephe) has started playing Maplestory with me, and I'm fairly sure that he's enjoying himself.  I have cookies.  Despite it all, I'm usually very cheerful.  Happy, even, because I tend to not think about the crumbling state of everything.  And whenever I do start depressing myself over the countless things I've tripped on, Jake is here to snuggle me back to cheerfulness for just long enough to get another thing done. 

I can't believe life is rushing at me so quickly. 
I wish I had time to sit down, pick apart my thoughts, and leave them sprawled out for everyone [myself]  to see.  But I've got exams to study for.  Maybe if I'm diligent, I'll still have a ghost of a chance.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful December.  I miss you guys more than I can say.