I'm supposed to be writing a three page essay that's due tomorrow.  Early tomorrow.  I haven't started it.  But I'm too furious to think academically.

I let Jake stay in the dorm without me, for the second day in a row.  At first, I was completely against it.  "I'd rather have him with me" and "I didn't want for him to be caught here without me", being my reasons.  But I figured that, since room inspections weren't going to be happening, it would be okay. Just a couple times.  But as he was leaving the building, he was caught.  And my keys were confiscated.  I'm in my room now because I had Brittany come get us.  But they're not going to just hand my keys back.  It went from "go to the front desk to pick them up", to "... you're going to yell at me for this, but."  I have to set up an appointment with the Resident Life lady to discuss the terms of my lease and how I've broken them, maybe pay them a gigantic fine, or a small one, maybe be dismissed from the dorm for breaking the rules.  Maybe just a slap on the wrist.  Who the hell knows.  But they have my card, which means that I can't operate on campus at all. I really can't do anything without that.

And for a moment, I was thinking that maybe all of the shit that gets messed up with this guy around outweighed the good things. After all, my class ring is gone, my grades are plummeting, and I'm being reprimanded for breaking the terms of my lease over this guy. Which is a situation that I've been in before, and hated.  I don't like blatantly breaking the rules, when they're there for a good reason.  Especially when I've signed on them.  I'm not that type of person, and anyway, I don't want to be problematic.  This situation is problematic.  I just wanted to give him a window to move down here... but it's been a while, hasn't it?  The semester is ending.  And I'm feeling chained down and completely culpable for something that wasn't really all that bad, if you think about it.  I let Jake stay where I lived while I wasn't there.  The rule makes sense, from an outsider's perspective, maybe, but I'd like to have the freedom to have people over for however many nights I like without having to have it cleared by some office.  That, and the cost of this place, and how cramped it is, were some major reasons for my wanting to stop living in a dorm in the first place.  I know that Brittany wants me to stay in the dorm, but... this is it.

It is my fault, I broke a rule.  But to be honest, I don't think that this place is for me anymore anyway.  And I want to move out after this year.  If this year happens... that all depends on tomorrow.  I don't think I blame Jake. I'm furious.  Mostly mad at myself for letting him stay in the first place.  That was stupid.  But it's also a stupid rule, for a grown adult that's living on their own.  This isn't my parents' house. 

I'm just so mad.

Dear Diary.

I woke up this morning feeling energetic and inspired.  It was a much needed change from the heavy despondence that had struck last night.  I'm not sure where I keep going wrong, but sometimes, I get the feeling that it's not really worth it to try anymore.  If the semester ends the way that it looks right now (and that seems likely), I'll be shot right out of the running for the master's program that I was going to apply for.  I'm not sure that I have time to correct this semester.  I'm not sure that I could, even if I had the time.  Sometimes, I feel utterly incompetent.  & last night I really wanted to jump off a bridge and die.  When everything that I've done for the past twenty-two years has come to these moments, and it seems like they've amounted to nothing (twenty-two years of taking classes and "being passionate" about my education, for this ), because I can't even keep my grades decently, I'm not really sure what I can do with myself.  My past/ present/ future has been my education, and where this schooling would lead me.  But what if I'm not enough?

But like I said, this morning was better.  I woke up and finished up my presentation for tonight and resolved to work on at least one essay before the night was through.  I think it's likely to happen.   I also really need to study for my Physiology exam.  .  ...And I've also resolved to go on a small date with Jake today.  That's the kind of thing that's going to keep my days bright when everything else is failing.  ...By everything else, I mean myself, of course.  It's times like these when I think that I'm just a better person when I'm alone.  When I'm always with people, people that I love to be with,  I do silly things, get distracted, become bubbly and have a shorter attention span... I spend a lot of time snuggling and babbling.. and everything else can go to hell.  So it did.  ...But when I'm alone, I make things. I write stories, I finish all of my work (because I've got nothing else to devote my attention to), I write long letters... and I think I try harder.  At everything.  Because I'm not in a state of content, anymore.  Is it weird that I like myself better when I'm discontent?

  I can't seem to find a balance.  I don't think I'm the "balance" type of person.  I think I'm the "jump headlong into stuff and hardcore as you can because it's cooler that way" kind of person.  It doesn't need to be logical.  I'm not logical.  I'm just passionate.
At least, I pray I that's what I am.

Despite everything, I'm looking at myself now and realizing that I'm happy.  & that if I had some kind of choice, I don't know that I'd honestly want anything to change.  I smile a lot these days, & I think a lot.  I discover things about myself and about the world I know all the time, even if I don't have time to record these things and develop them and make them real.  Everything glitters to me.  Even my failures.  I don't understand myself, but I like it.  I really, honestly, truly love what I've become.  And most of the things that it took to bring me here.

Happy December, by the way.  In spite of everything, I'm excited that December is finally here... it's my favorite month.  As if to herald the season, it finally became really chilly here today... and windy.  I could feel my cheeks growing numb, outside.  And all I could think about was how excited I would be when I finally finished enough work to go and look for Christmas presents.  >:3. 

...It's time for me to go and watch Star Trek with Jakey...  I've been glancing over, watching him take a nap on my bed.  He's been exhausting himself to get things done for me.  And for us, in general.  He's the most peace-instilling, beautiful concept in the world to me when he's asleep and completely helpless.  I love this guy.

I need to think of something special to give him for Christmas.  ;_;  ...Along with Dally.  I want to find something that can make these people smile, since they're the reason I do.

All in all, I'm happy today.  Despite it all, I'm happy today.  :3
The end.<3

Shhhh.  I'm supposed to be writing an essay, or getting this presentation (which is due in a couple days) finished-- or even started on.  But I'm finally alone, and I want, so much, to spend some time writing.  I don't want to lose a thing.  Memory is funny.  There are things that I could swear are true--feelings I've had, small details about experiences that seem direly important to me... and, going through my blog, I find that they've completely twisted in my memory and they weren't the way I remember at all.  For a moment, I could almost believe that I fabricated my blog.  After all, I remember these things so clearly.  But I know myself, and how this writing and recording and expressing is more important to me than anything else that I've done.  I wouldn't fabricate significance or life just for fun.  So I don't trust my memory.  And I don't want to let my life fall into blur.  So I need to write.  More than anything.

This trip has been amazing. Thinking about it now, I get a general feeling of accomplishment.. if I were to pick parts of my life to go back and relive,  I think I'd definitely want every moment with Dal & Kalinesti.  A lot of moments with Nathan.  And this weekend, for sure.  It seemed like the simple kind of perfect-- the kind that you think of when you're imagining a happy, normal life.  A warm family that always eats together, watching movies late into the night, playing video games until the unGodly hours of the morning and then waking up with the sun to take care of menial tasks with your dad.  Christmas traditions (like decorating a Christmas tree with your boyfriend, and shopping on Black Friday)... this was probably the warmest Thanksgiving I've experienced.  We had my parents, of course, cooking this amazing Turkey that was cajun butter flavoured... all of the normal salads, cranberries, green bean casserole, pies... and the stuffing this year.  It was different.  Mother added meat, and somehow, that gave it this addictive property.  I'm seriously obsessed with this stuffing.  And Brittany was there to make the situation lively.  And Jake was there to make it complete.  I think my parents want to dislike him on principle-- he's dating me, they don't want him to take me from them/ nobody is good enough, they have to drive him away.  But he's charming.  And I knew he would be.  The first night here, he started spilling ice cream everywhere while he was trying to scoop it.  My dad made fun of him for missing so much.  I made him try Wii fit and my mother could. not. stop. laughing at how horrible his balance was.  He tried to slide on the wooden floor into the living room and crashed into a wall and landed on his butt (we laughed so hard that my stomach hurt).  He fell down the stairs.  He wandered into a ladies' clothing store and my mother had to rescue him.  And he tries to talk to them.  And even though they're tense and usually distant (but friendly, too.  We're good at that), I think that he's easing his way in.  My mother is starting to loosen up and look more comfortable with him around.

I guess I'll have to ask her later, though.  With us, you can't really tell what we're really thinking because we're usually very concerned with other things.

We went to New Orleans and I took some pictures.  I was mad, that day.  I'm very hard on Jake (>_>; I have such high expectations of him) and every time he slips, just a little, it's easier and easier for me to get upset and I start looking for problems and then my temper swings out of control... I stopped talking, and stopped paying attention to everyone, eventually, and just started shooting photos of what we were doing.  I think it worked; my mood was kind of captured, and I think there's something of my perspective in them. &. I'm not in a single one of these pictures, and there's something about that that seems kind of poetic to me, too.  I got this wonderful weekend on film, without the raging Sephymonster that kept trying to ruin it.  ...I wish I had taken photography classes, I'd like to have some semblance of skill.  X3.  Temper is something that I need to really, really work on.  Bear with me, I'm trying?

Sincerely yours.  :3

Dear Diary.

Today, I woke up from a dream, in which my frog prince turned into a kitten.  He'd been given to me by my real prince, who fought to save my life against a typhoon, dragging me out of intense waves and away from a teacher who was conspiring to leave me deserted on an island because I was... nonchalant about my work.  I think I was secretly reproaching myself for being nonchalant... because lately, I am.  I remind myself to keep moving because my prince is here with me.  I have to care & to try for him, if not for me.  But it's difficult.  I have a longish, difficult essay, a basic project & handouts, and a presentation due on Tuesday.  I have two papers besides that one due "soon".  An exam on Thursday.  And exams every day the next week.  And I'm staring at all of this, not knowing where to even begin.  It feels like too much.  And I'm supposed to be inspired to keep moving, somehow.  :  ...At least my last undergrad semester happens next.  Unless something drastic changes.  Which, I concede, is always a likelihood.  Especially with my states of mind.

I am very, very excited that Thanksgiving is so soon.  I love Holidays-- especially cozy, warm feeling ones.  Especially wintry ones.  Especially near-Christmas ones.  This entire weekend is amazing; chilly weather, a large, bubbly meal with the family, black friday (I find it exciting), no classes, setting up the Christmas tree and putting up lights, running around to look at the early Christmas lights... Christmas music.  Everything starts moving very fast and very magically for me, now.  But.  This year, I'm taking a lot of people home.  Bradley, of course.  Brittany... no wonder.  And Jake.  I'm so afraid for this meeting, because from prior experience, when Mother disapproves of my boyfriend, things fall apart.  But this guy completes me, and I'm perfectly aware that feeling this right is excrutiatingly rare and I don't believe that somebody so wonderful could occur again.  Still.  A lot rides on her, and what she thinks of him.  Please don't ruin this, mother.  He's perfect for me.

But I know that if he lets them see him for what he is, quirks and brilliancy and all, they'll adore him.  Because they'll see what he's capable of and why he moves me.  Right? 
: Why am I so tense?

I'm probably not going to have time to write again this weekend.. (so Happy Thanksgiving, guys.  Please eat lots and lots of pie, enjoy your Turkey, & smile.  I wish I could be there with you, more than you know). After all, I'm going to be spending time with my family.  & Brittany will be staying in my room with me, and I don't think she can sit back quietly while I blog forever... she likes to interact.  Which is perfectly fine.  I hope she's not mad at me.  ...I'd be mad, if I were her.

There's a lot on my mind... mostly good.  Some things questionable.  Every once in a while, a sad thought strikes me and hovers, and I let myself be melancholic... just for a while.  Just long enough to get a new perspective and snap back into... whatever it is that I've been feeling lately.  I'm not sure that I can name it, myself.  But it feels like a transition, and I'm excited for where I'm  heading.  It feels like something bright.
Hey, Kalinesti, I love you guys.  Please don't go away. :3

... It seems I've run myself mute.
[The end.]

There are complicated things happening in my head.  I have a habit of contradicting myself.  I have a habit of being selfish.  Do you wonder what makes you unique?  Or what your personality really is?  When people do something "uncharacteristic" of themselves and say "...but that's not like me", I usually secretly think to myself that it must be within their personality, because it's happening at all.  But by this line, I'm a mess.  Nothing but a mess, because the things that I do one day work in complete opposition of the things that I've done the day before.  The things that I say are inconsistent and when I'm looking for a central me to be singular and constant, because I want to be known and a thing that's constantly shifting and different can't really seem known, can it?... I don't know what people might think that "me" is.  But I want to be singular.  The concept that I'm having difficulty with is the "being" one.  Because if I'm always changing myself, what can I really be?

And again I find myself focusing on the small things.  Hot cocoa is the best.  I love the winter, even though I get cold easily.  I love being in the middle of storms just to feel them, even if the feeling sucks.  Writing and literature is, has been, will remain my greatest passion, ever.  I love the idea of Romance.  I like playing with photography and art, because I feel like it's the closest I can get to being understood.  Thanks, Jake, for making me wonder what sets me apart from other people.  In the end, I find myself less kind, less polite, less sweet.  Less intelligent.  Less creative.  Maybe unique.  When the only constant about a person is contradiction, I wonder what about them there really is to hold onto.

But I still find that, even if I can't put my finger on it, everybody stands entirely apart to me.

That's not it.  That's not even beginning to be it.  But I haven't worked anything out well enough to describe what I'm feeling.  Or if I'm feeling.  The fact that I split my attention does imply that I split my intention, but I don't. 

What does set important from meaningless to me?  If one is to judge by my actions, I think I'd say that nothing is outstandingly important to me, because I flicker and change hands every day.  But I feel which things are important to me.  Jake is important to me.  The feelings that I have for him are.  Dalena is important to me.  Kalinesti is.  God is.  My education is.  But how do I show it?
I simply don't.

How should I?  Teach me.  I want to change.
I want a core.  To feel like there's a purpose and there's a me to be true to.  I want to be known.  Not famous.  And not by many.  Even just a little is fine. 

I'm pensive. & thinking that maybe I could use some change. 

Dear Diary.

Today was ... incandescently happy.  :3 I was let out of my only class today and decided to shun essay writing to take Jake out on a date... since I think spending time away from this cramped up room and my classrooms is necessary for my sanity.  I took him to Five Guys.. which is a place that I adore anyway, because they have great food and a great atmosphere and are generally really great.  Today they were even better.  I don't know if it's true, but I have the feeling that I spent the entire time either laughing, or being in deep conversation.  Somewhere during the meal, Jake managed to make me feel kind of beautiful. ...& I became so cheerful that I babbled incessantly at him for the rest of the trip.  We walked around in the mall there (this one has a Hot Topic and a bookstore, so there was actually stuff to see)... ran into Lane as she was working in Express, rummaged through board games, dragged each other through the hallways... and then returned home to snuggle and watch Pride & Prejudice.  Which is a movie that I happen to like, a lot.  I'm still feeling kind of beautiful.. and excited.  The date's not over (I hope)-- we're supposed to go and watch a play with Josh, and then Jake is going to make dinner and that'll wrap up my Friday... When did my life become so happy?  I can't imagine "happier" than today, simple& mundane as it may have seemed.

They say that -most- babies are born with gray-blue eyes.  "Baby blue", as it were. I think that Jake still has baby coloured eyes. :3  I tried to look up pictures of babies to find the colour, and his matched exactly.  Dark rims, vibrant gray with a hint or impression of blue.  They're so bright.  I remember telling him that, the first time I saw them.  And there I go, always babbling about the same things.  But my mind keeps going back there.  At least it keeps going back to a happy place, right?

I have to worry about Christmas presents already!  I didn't want to have to face that yet... I don't have any money saved up and I'm sure that a lot of what I get next month is going to have to go into surviving, so I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about presents this year.  I'm only just now starting to come up with ideas, and none of them are very good... Nevertheless, I'm excited.  Over Christmas break, we're supposed to go back to Joplin to finish wrapping things up with Jake's oldlife.  I don't know whether I can make it to Georgia, money/ mileage/ time-wise.. and something else.  I feel like everything is drifting and ... :.  I'm afraid. Anyway, I'll be taking Jake back home with me for Christmas, if my parents like him.  And if not, I may employ the help of Spike... if he's not too busy with his fiancee (:3 which I'm so proud of him about).

Question! What do you want for Christmas?
My happy thought today is~ chasing someone [Jake :3] around the room, trying to shove ice down his clothes... and spewing water at him to get him soaked when the ice doesn't work.  ...I like those games. :3  ...We are a dysfunctional family.

<3 Today was a good day; I miss you guys.  Incredibly.

This morning, I woke up to my alarm at seven, rolled over, and fell back asleep.  An hour and forty-five minutes later, I woke up again, panicking because I was going to be late, and rushed to wake Jake up and dash to my first class.  But it was weird.  We got there, and there was a guest speaker, who was talking about coronary heart disease and all of its medications, instead of anything nutritious.  Confused, I sat through it until the class was almost over, and then I took Jake and left to work on a project until my next class.  It was there, two hours later, that I finally realized that I'd sat through a nursing class, and my real class was held ...well, about the time that this thought struck me.  x_x  I had actually... sat through a nursing lecture, and took notes on it, firmly believing that it was somehow really my class.
...I'd set my alarm for my Monday schedule.  I'm so dumb. ;_;

Brittany has a new boyfriend.  She spent this weekend in Tennessee with him, escaping Birmingham life.  I was somewhat jealous; they stayed in a cabin and went to Dollywood and it sounds like they just had an awesome time.  I feel bad, though... she spent so long away from the dorm, and when she got back the other day, I was so preoccupied and distracted that I didn't take the time to go outside and ask her how it went or welcome her home or act like she mattered at all... even through she brought back a chocolate-covered apple to share with us and made us dinner... and she's always being thoughtful and talkative.  And I'm not.  I feel like this is a failure of mine. 

Random thought: Beauty and the Beast is re-released soon.  >:3

I don't know if you guys still have moments like this, but remember the days when you could just sit down with your friends and flip through a book (or a website) and just laugh with each other over it for hours?  Maybe it's not so uncommon, normally; it is for me.  I'm uncomfortable with people lately.  I'm all too conscious that my sense of humour doesn't at all fit into anybody else's.  I'm geekier than most of my female friends, and too judgmental and self-conscious to let myself go (bemyself) like that around boys. I just never feel really comfortable.  (or loved? or accepted? ... I don't want to explore this.)  But of course, somehow, Jake unlocks that part of me, too.  We were digging through MLIA the other day and laughing over it forever.  Just laughing, and snuggling.  And I didn't even think about it, or realize what was happening until it had been going on for hours. & I felt happy and comfortable. 

It feels strange to me.

You know, losing yourself completely in the wake of someone-- sharing life & experiences and & special things & hot cocoa... and wasting hours laughing with them, is the closest that I think I can ever feel to somebody.  It sounds so simple, but darn it, it's such a rarity to me.  I miss that feeling, with friends and whatnot.  I really do. Things like that make me think back, and look at all of the missteps I've taken and the mistakes I've made to lead me to this.  I feel like much of the 'drifting apart' that's happened has been my fault.  Sometimes excusable. Oftentimes, not, although it was never intentional.  I just miss sharing my life with them.. they made it feel so complete and boundless.  And I'm happy, now. But I'd be happi-er with them.  I really would.  There are ways that they can make me laugh that I can't encounter elsewhere. 

That picture up there was.. taken by me, but made pretty by Jake. <Jake>
He's becoming more important to me every day.  He's been taking care of me, and keeping me close and standing when I've been feeling alone and weak.  He's really an amazing guy. & I keep discovering things about him that blow me off my feet (like when he says he'll try, he means that he's really going to try- it's something that I've heard before, but never actually seen).  He's passionate about things (passionate: intense or vehement, as emotions or feelings) that communicate to me.  Small gestures and deep moments are meaningful to him.  He lets the world affect him.  And I think that he affects the world.  He leaves an impact on me with everything that he touches (>_> like pictures, and songs that I thought I loved, until he touches them and I discover what it means to love all over again). There are so many things about him that I've never encountered in a man before.
 ...And one day, I want to make a list of everything that I liked about every ex-boyfriend I've had. I've been thinking about it lately, and I'm pretty sure that I can find the complete list in Jake (Nathan's passion, Patrick's sense of humour, The Disease's perfect words/ gestures, etc.).  I just wish everything would fit together.  Right now, I feel like there's a chasm in my life-- Jake & Birmingham, vs. everything else.  ... But, I love Jake.  IloveJake.  So I'm determined.

I am so floored by you, Jake.  Thank you for existing.  [lionface].
</Jake>

Happy thought of the day is~ it's getting really cold, and it's almost Thanksgiving. Christmas decorations are popping up everywhere... I need to start working on presents, and... :3  buuuh.  Hot cocoa and layering jackets and watching my breath in the air and looking at lights and having to snuggle for warmth-- they're all my happy thought.  I love the winter.

Yesterday was a mess. This entire weekend was a mess.  I thought I was finally catching up with work on Friday, so I took the day off to watch Firefly with Jake and snuggle and be generally happy.  Commence chaos.  I wanted to get Windows 7 on this laptop.  I've been meaning to do it for a while.  So I go and buy it, get it downloaded, everything's fine, time to upgrade, WALL.  You need vista service pack.  Fine.  Downloading vista service pack, commence. WALL. Internal error.  Install can't complete. Get [random install file] to help! Fine. Doing it.... WALL. Can't finish install, there's a file missing. Argh.  Okay. Fine. In my intense frustration, I decided to back up all of my files and reformat using Windows 7.  Which worked... but get this, I started this operation on Friday. I finished... now.  Just now. And it works great! I can finally update my programs and probably open .pdfs again, but holy crap, that was a lot of working around small problems and trying to work out kinks and wasting time and having to babysit my computer because it needed to reset at the most random times and a fan error keeps preventing resets from running smoothly unless I'm there to F1 at it. *heavy breath* Also. Yesterday. We wanted to get Jake his medication, because he's fragile and dies without it.  We went to the hospital at one to get some prescriptions.  We were there until after six, with people walking in every once in a while to interrogate, but generally leaving us to twiddle our thumbs in the room. So we leave after six to get some food and fill the prescriptions. But Wallgreens is like "sorry. Here's a problem. Bwahahaha." ... It's been over a week since he's had these, and this was kind of a last ditch effort.  I was worried and tense and starting to breakdown.  We went back to the hospital and called to see what they could do.  And they said to call his own hospital. In Missouri. Which turned him away saying, pretty much, that it was his concern, not theirs.  It was getting really late, and I wasn't prepared to go home without this medication... since I don't really want to watch Jake die. So we went back to the E.R.. where the doctor scratched his head at us and told us that we shouldn't be there. And then everyone started pulling strings to get us just enough medication under the table to last until we can meet up with a kidney doctor.  But by this time, it was one in the morning and I was worn out from spending twelve hours straight struggling to get Jake his survival.  Why is it so hard?

Somewhat related.  It's disheartening to wake up with millions of things on your mind and realize that you've got nobody to talk to about them.
Because, let's face it, we're all drifting.
And sometimes, nobody cares.

: Jake, you're the best thing that's happened to me.  Don't die.
We went on a McDonald's date yesterday before Walgreens, by the way.  It was special.  Simple things that are easy to take for granted are special.  And if that's the kind of thing I've got to look forward to, I'll gladly take it.  I was happy. And still am.

Dear Diary:

Jake is in Birmingham, to stay.  We drove to Joplin this weekend.  To Missouri.  We drove for ten hours to stuff his life into my car and relocate it, here.  To me.  With me...  Packing everything away and leaving it all behind for someone special.  For love.  For a new start.  On a whim.  It's rapidfire and ill-conceived.  It's working.  It's the most romantic thing that's happened to me.  & I consider myself a romantic, but I wouldn't have the guts to make a move like that. I have to think everything out, get everything squared away, follow the rules just strictly enough to know that I'll succeed.  I play it just a little bit safely.  I admire Jake for whatever it is that gives him the passion or will or the ganas to take a jump like that, with me.  [take my hand. and never let me go.]  I'll never see whatever it is in me that he values enough to make such a fairy-tale situation come to life.  I admire this kid so.

There was the night that we spent there, in Cassville (where he used to live).. we drove to the church parking lot and left my car behind to run through the streets.  Actually, it began as a walk.  We were talking [significantly] and holding hands [significantly] , peering through small shop windows.  He smiled every time I gushed over the Christmas trees.  I smiled every time he smiled.  But something triggered and I started chasing him through the streets.  There were moments when we'd collapse against a wall and I'd bury my face into his shoulder, or he'd kiss me, and it would be exhilarating.  I couldn't tear my eyes away from him, after those moments.  We communicate so well without ever speaking.  It's amazing.

Had I mentioned that this weekend was my school's homecoming?  Sometime during the week (it might have been Thursday, I can't be sure anymore), I heard the indistinct sound of the band parading underneath my window, so I flung it open... and Jake took my hand and we went on an adventure.  By the time we got outside, the band was far ahead of us, so we ran through the streets, following the sound.  I was cold... I was in nothing but a spagetti strapped shirt anyway.  Little did I realize.  The band was leading us straight to a gigantic bonfire.  I mean it when I say gigantic; the burning ashes that escaped the fire into the air were going so high that ... well.  I marveled at how high they were going, anyway.  Jake looked amazing.  The harsh shadows/ soft light combination on his face makes him look raw and ...lucid.  So there we were, chasing each other around this giant fire, snuggling, kissing in front of everyone.  People were staring at us and taking pictures.. openly talking about us.  We tend to draw a lot of attention when we're out.  I get the distinct impression that affection and being openly enamored isn't so much college etiquette.  I think it's adorable that we don't so much care. I feel like a high school kid with him.. my heart skips when he pulls me close in public and I probably blush every time he catches me staring at him and I swear I still find myself crushing on him.  Especially when he looks focused and serious and I feel like he's not all mine.  Anyway, this bonfire was some kind of spontaneous adventure and I find myself loving my life more every single day.  Because things like this keep happening with more frequency.  I'm. so. happy.

And this week.  It's been horrid.  Two difficult tests, two long homework assignments, and a project, all due "so far".  I have three more tests, a project, and no less than three papers to finish. Plus normal homework assignments.  Do you realize how close Thanksgiving is?  I hadn't.. it's two weeks away.  And after that, I have one more week of regular classes, and then judgment day.  ...Then I'll know whether I'm really graduating on time or not. I'm trying to promise myself that I won't be too disappointed if I have to stay a while... after all, most people (the vast majority) don't actually graduate in four years.  But I'd probably be a little bit let down if I don't graduate next semester.

But Jake.. he's been cleaning up around here.  He's been doing all of the cooking, and looking after me when I become distressed.  He's been walking me to my classes and taking care of his own life, trying to get himself settled into this completely new city with me.  He's also been helping me with my work.  Given that I'm about to explode, he's sitting  down and working through things that he's never even seen before to try to keep my life tolerable.  And I appreciate him so much.  ;_;  He's still smiling at me through all of it.  Have I mentioned that he's got the most amazing smile[s]?  I was digging through pictures of him, and it seems that everything about him has changed since I met him.  He's growing into a real prince.

And this is somewhat random, but in my physiology building earlier, I became aware of an experiment.. they were vying for "healthy girls" between the ages of 19 and 31, who did not have HIV... to test a medication and see if it could help prevent capturing HIV.  ...Please tell me that you understand that absurdity of this situation. 

:3

I've been forcing Jake to walk around outside in my Mokona hat.  It looks like a bunny hat, with long ears and everything.  He looks absolutely cute in it.  Especially when he's being serious, because the hat is so fluffy and cute that it becomes absurd...ly cute.  It draws a lot of attention.  But he and I always draw attention when we're out together. <3 

Jake is clumsy.  I was making a list of things he's screwed up this past weekend, but I kind of want to extend this list to "always" for the sake of this entry:  he lost my class ring. he lost my spain-bell. he lost my jacket. he projectile-vomited on my car. he spilled cookie all over my car. he leaves trash in my car. he spilled superman [!] ice cream all over my car... and himself.  he almost killed us on a dirt road. But I think that he's cute this way. ...He's really careful with me, at least.   

Dear diary.  I have a lot more to tell you, but I'm painfully aware that I've got an exam tomorrow and I can't afford to spend all day making things real.  How I wish I could. I don't want to let a moment blur and fade away, the way that they tend to do in my head.  But I hope I wish I pray that I'll find more time to write more frequently soon, because this is one habit that I don't want to miss.  Anyway. I miss feeling close to the people that matter the most to me.  ...And no matter what, I feel the most revealed [closetoyou] here. Even if nobody else feels it. Point being: goodbye for now.  If you're so inclined, tell me how you are lately.  And what's been going on. A mini-blog, of sorts.  I'd like to see it. :3.

Hasta luego.

Hey, Jakey: you're my resplendent, effulgent, brilliant prince. &Iloveyou.

I ran away from home, once. 

I had thought about it before, as a child, because sometimes, you just want things to be different--just to see.  Sometimes, the world around you just isn't good enough.  Or remotely good at all.  So I'd dream about running away, and I'd spend my time wondering where I would go.  I was so vestal, then--without calloused, numb thoughts of philosophy filling my head--everything was simple and straightforward.  A small child, dreaming dreams of leaving the routine for something new, passionate, bright, and adventurous.  I never had the opportunity to go, never the means.  Eventually, my passion broke, and I decided that if I was going to do something that drastic, I should have a really, really, really good reason for doing it.  Something out of the ordinary.  Something special; something once-in-a-lifetime. I stayed put... for a while.  And... my dreams faded. 

Then something beautiful came into my life, and it threw everything I'd known into sharp contrast.  Suddenly, complacency was thrown out the window completely.  Life became urgent again--no, life became important to me again.  For once, I know that the sky is blue, and that the grass is green, with something more than electrical signals in my brain being interpreted into a vague, useless image.  Life is beautiful again.  And I fought against it all for this moment.  I fought against ever-crashing waves of commitment and dispassion, watching a storm brew, bridges burning fiercely in the distance, and trying to not stay caught in the undertow, in the current.  I suppose even the ocean needs waves.   But then again, that predicament wouldn't be exactly new for me, would it? 

I certainly did, and I knew I didn't have them.  But I knew where they were.  Getting there was the difficult part. But somehow, she taught me how to get out of the dark mental recesses that I'd been shoved into out of fear, and she taught me that rationality and consistency are never absolute.  I think I've figured it out, finally.  There is a certain dark intelligence in knowing where the line between consistency and inconsistency is... but there's a genius, a brilliance, in being able to cross the threshold at will.  It's a sad thing to be able to see that line, and not be able to cross it.  But she is brilliant.  To contradict ourselves from day to day is the only way to truly live--and the distinction between knowing it and living it is amazing to me.

Sometimes, you just have to leap.  Sometimes, you just need to have faith, because the alternative is... suffocating. We all have to decide at some point whether we want to be safe, or be significant.  There's always that choice.  To be safe, or to be significant.  And I... choose the latter.  And they all told me it would be stupid, that everything would crash and burn.  I would be left alone, worse than I was before.  But I did it anyway.  I ran.  I ran for my life.  Because as uncertain as this all may be, I can finally feel something.  I finally feel alive.  [Forgive my hesitation, but I'm learning to trust in you.] Knee deep in uncertain waters, watching everything around me that doesn't matter fall out of place, out of the way, and all I can see and focus on is right in front of me.  Let my world crash.  What could it possibly mean, compared to this?  ...What significance does anything in it have, now?  I'd ran it my way for a while, and it became uninhabitable.   I turned it over to Someone Else, and they're... doing with it what they will.  And I... will walk on this water.  Everything will be alright.  Everything is alright. 

I ran away from home.  A lovestruck prince after his lovestruck princess, running through the wind and rain.  I just picked up and left, without a word to anyone, without a place to live, without schooling, without a vehicle, without a job.  I picked up and left  I can't explain the hows or whys, it just worked out in such specific detail that there's only one word that comes to mind when I try to think of an answer.  Fate.  I'm not exactly paying for my seat in the stadium, but Someone's out there batting for us.  Someone's fighting for us.  And I can feel it, and I know it.  So I'll fight, too, with my resolve strengthened a hundredfold.  I will tear down everything for this girl.  I'll tear down walls, buildings, worlds, galaxies.  Everything that I know for this girl.  For this feeling.  For this faith.  Everything fits.  And that's just exactly the way it is. 

Why would it be this way if it weren't meant to be?  It's not supposed to be this easy, is it?

I ran so fast, I burst out of the storm--and I'd become something new, something I hadn't ever been before.  My own person.   I feel like a phoenix.  The stars shine and brighten the way, and it leads directly to her, and nowhere else.  There's absolutely no ambiguity.  There are no other signs.  I'm hers, and she's mine.  I'm so deeply in love.  I don't merely love her; I'm in love with her, in ways that I never thought I could be in love before.  It's like there's a whole new level of 'in love' that was made for just us.  I don't exist anymore.  I don't have to.  Not independently.  I'm hers, and that's all I need.  And I can do anything. 

^_^


Here's a secret:  I'm not afraid of anything today.  I'm afraid of nothing at all.  Of no one.